Dear The Captain

Dear The Captain (humor me),

I can only shake my head when I read letters from readers complaining about their allergies. I have three dogs to whom I am slightly allergic, and if any of my allergies act up, I take an antihistamine. I have friends who have cats. If I know I am going to one of their homes, I take an antihistamine before I go. I even carry them around with me in case I wind up going somewhere unexpectedly. These people who complain about other people's pets should take responsibility for their allergies and stop expecting other people to bear the brunt of their problem.

Dear antihistamine head,

You are quite the hero. In fact, I'm so moved that I am going to nominate you for sainthood. Pope Benedict and I are bingo buddies and go way back. I'm confident a good word from The Captain could get you on the fast track to beatification along with John Paul II – heck, all he did was stand up to a few murderous Communists in Poland and lead one of the world's major religions.

I'm right there with you on all those complainers. Watery eyes and skin irritation should not make you a shut in. And I'm told that anaphylactic shock is only fatal some of the time. Wusses. A word of caution, though. Be discreet when popping your antihistamine pills in public lest the DEA take you away "unexpectedly."

I, myself, am allergic to self-involved popinjays who turn the most trivial accomplishments into the sacking of freakin' Troy. Gotta go – my eyes are watering and my throat is swelling up. Where's that damn EpiPen???

The Captain says….. ACHOO….ACHOOOOOOO……..Gasp…….THUMP!!