The Captain Branches Out - Again

The Captain, having beaten the dead horse of fire safety beyond recognition, is now branching out into other areas of human conduct. In short, just about anything else. This seems to me a natural progression from the particular to the general. Also, there’s just a whole lot more material to comment upon when you include, well, the whole world. So here’s the latest digression, courtesy of HR Inform.

Now comes the latest noon time session on “Relationship Success for You and Your Partner.” Ever wonder why a corporate human resources department conducts trainings aimed at improving our personal lives? Well, me neither, at least, that is, until about 7 minutes ago, when I read the course description. As always, I commend HR Inform for providing quality, relevant, and mildly patronizing didactic stabs at feigned corporate concern. They are refreshingly candid and effective, or at least I might be inclined to describe them so in a review had I ever bothered to attend even a single offering! Here’s the latest course description:

“Enjoying harmony and happiness in our primary relationships is often a challenge. This workshop will focus on skill-building designed to promote more effective communication, elevate awareness and understanding, and encourage activities that can greatly increase the likelihood of relationship success. Couples who don’t work on acceptance, understanding, and open communication with their partners run the risk of being chronically unhappy or worse, watching their relationships fail.”

As one not disinterested in literary device and creative composition, I could do naught but admire the subtle though perhaps unintentional understatement in the opening sentence. Harmony and happiness a challenge? Given that “primary relationships” are the source of countless domestic assaults, adulterous affairs, horrific homicides and, most disturbingly, ruined vacations, it is no wonder HR inform decided to have a go at it! Heck, why just make a profit when you can save the world as well?

The focus on skill-building appeals to the practical side of us all. How many times have I gently chastised myself for my inability to convey to my better half that medium is not medium rare? Or that “speak only when spoken to” is not a guideline but a specific instruction to be adhered to in a literal fashion? Or that the ironing board is not an ornamental conversation piece? I can already feel the mute rage churning inside me, waiting to erupt into incoherent, anti-social rants. Sounds like this is the session for me! Even if I weren’t genuinely interested in improving the quality of my primary relationship, I would like to know whether chemically induced “awareness elevation” is prescribed as an antidote to depression and disharmony. (Intellectual curiosity, you know). In all sincerity, I could do with some practical exercises to help me communicate effectively to my life partner that the understanding and acceptance of my world view, the only one that really matters, will greatly increase the likelihood of success in our relationship. I have never articulated this to my partner because, silly me, I assumed it was naturally understood, but as far as I am concerned, chronic unhappiness is just not an option for me. On the other hand, divorce lawyers can be a tad pricey. What to do? Well, thanks to HR Inform, I am confidant, having read the course description with grave discernment, that this session will give me the tools to go home to my partner, look her in the eye, and articulate in a clear and convincing voice, that, yes, it is in fact all about me, and the sooner acknowledged the better! Who knew relationship success could be so easy?

Thanks, HR Inform. Your e-mail has really made a difference in my life, so much so that I no longer feel the need to actually attend the session (unanticipated bonus!).

Believe the Captain when he says: make your partner understand, and success will follow!

Yours pseudopsychologically,

The Captain!

June Cleaver Understood!