DEAR THE CAPTAIN: My husband and I are having a dispute I hope you can help settle.
Our middle son is turning 10 this month, and for his birthday, we agreed to paint and decorate his room. (We live in a new-construction home, and all the walls are currently white.)
We let our son pick a border to go around the middle of the room (it is his room after all), and he picked a black and gray camouflage, which he really loves.
The problem is that my son picked a dark charcoal gray for the bottom of his walls and a very light gray for the top. I respect my son's choice and agreed to the paint job, but my husband now refuses, saying that the color scheme is too dark, and he's afraid our son will turn into some kind of dyed-hair, pierced-eyebrow gothic kid.
My husband's reasoning also includes the fact that the son in question is the middle of three boys and already feels like ``the middle child." He thinks that this color scheme will serve to encourage his self-imposed outcast status.
I say he's overreacting, and we should paint our son's room in a way that will make him happy. What do you think?
- Decorating Mom
Dear Deluded Decorator,
I have good news and I have bad news.
The good news is that your agonizing over the paint color choices for your 10 year old son’s room in your new construction home with white walls is utterly unnecessary. Your amateurish psychological assessment of your “middle child” is amusing but blindly naive. It’s pathetically poignant that your suburban fantasy includes a “reasoning” husband and a 10 year old son who “might” turn into a Goth. In point of fact, you are married to a cretin and have spawned an abomination.
Now here’s the bad news. Pierced eyebrows and pink hair would be far preferable to the reality you are unable to perceive. Camouflaged in gray and black, psychotic middle child will creep into your oversized Master Bedroom in the dead of night and pretend you and your Neanderthal husband are pin cushions and his hunting knife a pin (Picture the lovechild of Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme having a homicidal tantrum, a chemical reaction to all that mascara).
I’d be negligent if I didn’t propose a solution: set mini Manson to work with a couple of cans of black paint, lock his bedroom door from the outside, and call 911. And I hope you're happy with the paint job. Send pics!
The Captain
Believe The Captain when he says: New construction walls are “Psychiatric Ward White.”
Yours with no intended piercings,
The Captain
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