Independent Living

If The Captain was to be honest with himself (and even I wanted to, this would get dicey given the fluid state of my “reality”), he must acknowledge he’s thrown a dart or two at the Noontime Session savants in the past. Perhaps I was engaging in some Schadenfreude. Perhaps I was attempting to satirically tackle some challenging social issues. Perhaps the arrogant know nothings just deserved it. Who can tell? But with this one, the dabbling dilettantes of armchair amateur psychoanalysis may be on to something. Other than the occasional clever allusion to my youthful Hooliganism, The Captain has been rather shy about sharing stories about his troubled youth. Well, maybe shy is not entirely accurate. Fearful – Mom’s a psychotic mess who’d busta cap in my ass if she found out I’d divulged details of our less than perfect family life growing up in the slums of West Torrington. But now, thanks to my good friends at the Cleaver Family Connection, I may finally be able to get the homicidal old fart and her fey ways out of my house (technically, it won’t actually be mine until I “amend” her will and she dies a sudden and unexplained death).

The transition from independent living to a supported level of care is emotionally challenging for all involved, especially you and your elderly parent (It should be mentioned that Mom has tried to “transition” me out of the house many times, without success and much to her chagrin; once even getting so desperate so as to pay my way through college. She’s taken to calling me BP – Bad Penny, always turning up). It's important to consider all of the implications of this transition early, well before you need to make this decision (Draft of amendment to Last Will and Testament – check. Mom’s secret cyanide medicine – check. Reams of psychedelic shag carpet for the soon to be finished basement bachelor pad - check. Lava lamp – Fire Hazard, UNCHECK. Mail order bride from Southeast Asia - check. Penicillin – double check).

Join us for this valuable Cleaver Family Connection Seminar: Housing Options for Seniors (Or How I Learned to Love Medicare), presented by representatives from Self-Important Consultants International. This seminar will:

> Focus on ways to assess a senior’s ability to continue living independently or semi-independently (Threat to others - mainly me – must be sent away.)
> Discuss the myriad of housing options available to seniors (What does Medicare pay for?)
> Explain how to evaluate and choose a quality nursing home, convalescent center or rehabilitation facility (What does Medicare pay for?)

Believe The Captain when he says: Lava lamps and shag carpets don’t mix!

Yours checklist in hand,

The Captain

The Captain’s Word of the Day = Schadenfreude: (German. No English equivalent) To take mischievous delight in the misfortunes of others.