Summer Fire Safety Tips

Summer is just around the corner. Soon we will all be enjoying barbecues, warm summer rain, camp fires, warm summer rain, Fourth of July celebrations with illegal fireworks, warmer summer rain, heatstroke and steamy summer rain!

Summer is also a time when careless morons commit inexplicably idiotic acts of tomfoolery that often include fire play. Below is a simple but time tested list of behaviors to avoid in order to keep your summer safe and incendiary free.

DO NOT:

Spray lighter fluid onto an open flame; soak the charcoal briquettes thoroughly and evenly prior to lighting the grill;

Use gasoline to remove the paint from those stolen bikes in an unventilated environment (such as your basement); a tiny spark is all it takes to ruin the fun;

Make your own homemade sparklers by tying a line of metal wire around a large piece of untreated steel wool, heating until red hot with a lighter, and swinging the steel wool around rapidly in a circular motion to create a spectacular back yard display of pyrotechnics (don’t do this indoors, either);

Sneak a cigarette in the tall, dry grass;

Use your hand as a launching pad for a bottle rocket;

Place an aerosol can in the Girl Scout camp fire; remember, even making Smores can be dangerous;

Go see “Jackass – The Movie” if you have an IQ below 75;

So the next time you are tempted to play with fire, remember what happened to Prometheus when he stole Fire from the Gods. To the summit of a craggy mountain, Vulcan, attended by Strength and Force, binds the arms of Prometheus with chains, driving an iron wedge through his breast, placing a girdle round his hips, and encircling his feet with fetters of brass. Then, after insulting him, they leave him, thus imprisoned, alone with his pain, waiting for the vultures to pick away at his intestines. So if this doesn’t appeal to you, DON’T PLAY WITH FIRE!

With paternalistic concern,

The Captain