The Captain Rides the Bus

For several years now, The Captain has sailed the good ship Hartford Express to work. For the uninitiated, that’s the public bus. And though my metaphor is indeed cheesy, there is still an ounce or two of truth in it, for riding the bus is like entering a dark and dank box of stinky, moldy gorgonzola crammed with mice.

Like quantum particles, the parallel universe of bus travel is invisible to the waking world and operates with its own separate and distinct set of laws. Emily Post would not last 30 seconds in the world of public transportation. The Captain, with his keen powers of observation, enhanced by a healthy imagination, has attempted to chronicle the unique mores and customs of this itinerant sub culture. So pardon my mixing of metaphors as I proclaim: All Aboard!

Written Rules

• There are no free rides: you must pay the fee or feel the wrath of the masculine looking female driver;
• No smoking, or fume prohibito (I now butcher the Spanish language thanks to bus travel!);
• No eating (is that a food stain on that seat?);
• If you are one of those who prefer to sit up front, you must relinquish your seat to the mean “elderly” bitch with mothball breath – it’s the law.

Unwritten Rules

• One ass, one seat;
• Fat ass, still one seat;
• Halitosis, any seat you like;
• If the bus is crowded, you must keep your carry on items on your lap and off of the seat next to you; there are several exceptions: If you carry a mannequin onto the bus, you may set it down in the seat next to you – this gives everyone the chance to whisper side conversations, making the trip fly by; for audible outbursts, ride with a mannequin on your lap or, better yet, set it down in an open seat next to a complete stranger; cute puppies are also allowable exceptions.
• No cutting – PERIOD! And why is it that all the jerks who do this are so well dressed?
• Have your cash or bus pass ready when exiting the bus and not at the bottom of a Gargantuan purse or man bag;
• Check the seat before depositing your keester on it; you never know when there may be a fresh unidentifiable stain, or moisture, or a lap, on it;
• Lack of eye contact on the part of the person sitting next to, or across from, you is not an invitation to strike up a conversation (boy, was that one choppy sentence);
• If you tell a joke in a voice loud enough for all to hear, you better be damned sure it’s funny;

The Captain’s Rules

• Just because the cash machine takes nickels doesn’t make it OK to pay the entire fare in 5 cent increments!
• It is not acceptable to stretch your legs into the aisle, unless, of course, a cutter is speeding past and then all bets are off;
• If you ride the bus with me and tell a funny joke, please share so I can steal it and pass it off as my own;
• The following words and idioms should never cross your lips in bus conversation:
  • Bunion
  • Bowel Movement
  • Rash
  • Canker
  • Puss
  • Lawyer
  • Claim Adjuster
  • Root Canal
  • Scabies
  • Skivvies
  • Fire

• It is never a good thing when your bus is pulled over and a cop asks the driver where the blood on the front bumper came from – not a rule exactly, but this really did happen once; our driver was too lazy to serve around Bambi’s carcass;

Believe The Captain when he says: Bus riders with IBS should identify themselves!

Yours just waiting for that cutter to cross my path,

The Captain