The Vocabularian Strikes Again!

Guarded as The Captain is about his personal history – an unnatural shyness and an overbearing parole officer are mainly to blame – there are kernels of my past which I scatter behind me as I wend my way through life to leave a trail for those brave or foolish enough to follow (and for myself to help me crawl back to my car after a riotous night on the town!). So brace yourself, for I am about to toss another crumb to get stuck between your teeth: I have a degree in English Literature - and I am neither Gay nor unemployed! I have at various times in my life mastered Latin, Koine Greek and Ancient Hebrew. Call me a Necrophilologist if you must, but living languages never appealed to me because it takes a shitload of work to actually learn how to speak a foreign language, thus my affinity for dead languages.

I once had a prickly professor who was a Chaucer scholar who made us all read the Canterbury Tales in Middle English, which might as well be a foreign language. In fact, there are many words in Middle English that did not make the cut to Modern English (which, by the way, is rapidly being replaced by the language of Instant Messaging – LOL!). The bastard actually included as part of a final exam a vocabulary test comprised solely of those Middle English words that didn’t survive; we were supposed to be able to provide the definition based on the placement of this gibberish in the context of the reading – wft?! Why do I reference this professor (let’s call him Dr. Douchebag because it has a certain ring to it)? Because he introduced me to one of the greatest works of the English language that you’ve never heard of, or should I say of which you’ve never heard: the Oxford English Dictionary, or OED, not to be confused with OCD. While FARKing around tonight, I ran across a news feature about a man named Ammon Shea, whose claim to fame is that he read all 59 million words contained in this 20 volume masterpiece. The Captain is not claiming to have done that. Nope. But I did peruse these venerable tomes for really cool words to use to complement my all-time favorite word: inebriate. More accurately put: I’d get hammered and throw out OED gems like they were cubic zirconia!

The article in question listed some of Mr. Shea’s favorite words from the OED, which I immediately stole, or purloined, if you prefer. Or if you’re like my cousin Milan, I stoled ‘em. LMAO! So without much further ado about nothing, here they are - the coolest words you’ll never use!

Accismus(n) An insincere refusal of a thing that is desired (as in “no, please, I really would like for you to have the last doughnut ”) The Captain’s sample sentence: “No thanks Tyra (Banks), I don’t have time for a quickie tonight because I have to wash my hair.”
Bayard(n) a person armed with the self-confidence of ignorance. The Captain aka The Bayard!
Deipnophobia(n) fear of dinner parties. The number two phobia of all males, right after matrimonyphobia.
Paracme(n) the point at which one’s prime is past. The Captain’s sentence: “If you have reached Paracme, then reach for Viagara!”
Petrichor(n) the pleasant loamy smell of rain on the ground, especially after a dry spell. The Captain’s sentence: “The Petrichor was palpable, as was the smell of dead worms.”
Somnificator(n) one who induces sleep in others. ME!!!
Unbepissed(adj) not having been urinated on; unwet with urine. The Captain’s sentence: “Any night that passes Unbepissed is a good one in my book!”
Wine-knight(n) a person who drinks valiantly. OMG. My new calling.
Yepsen(n) the amount that can be held in two hands cupped together; the two cupped hands themselves. The Captain to the bartender holding the bottle of Patron: “Yo barkeep: Yepsen me!”

Believe The Captain when he says: Floccinaucinihilipilification is a bitch to spell!

Yours Unbepissed!

The Captain