Our friends at Family Connection have taken a chronological excursion to the far end of the human lifespan, having already taken a stab at adolescence and fired shots at adulthood with precious advice about marriage and parenting those pesky adolescents. So now it’s on to the Geritol set. I confess sometimes there is no better cure for writer’s cramp than my Friends at Family Connection. God bless shallow shows of feigned corporate beneficence. Keep ‘em coming Son of Sigmund! The Captain’s comments in Autumnal orange.
Many of us are reluctant to initiate what we imagine will be difficult conversations for our aging parents or other relatives. Yet postponing these discussions can make critical decisions about finances, health care, legal issues and physical or social needs much more difficult when the need is upon us. If you’re searching for tips on initiating these types of conversations, join us for the November Family Connection seminar – Talking to Your Aging Relatives about the Future.
Whenever I speak with someone about the topic of aging relatives – code for curmudgeons in the guise of blood relatives – I inevitably hear the same old and tired refrain (I can’t resist the opportunity to pun – it’s like crack cocaine for me): “Remember, you’ll be old one day yourself. Treat your aging parents like you want your children to treat you when you are old and incontinent (OK, I added incontinent).” But these words have no hope of eliciting their desired effect when Mom poisoned Dad and then, seemingly overnight, turned the inheritance into a private liquor bunker in the basement of the family homestead. We think Mom died there, but none of us children was ever given a key. I have looked into my future and I have seen cirrhosis.
Growing up, I treated my parents like an epidemiologist treats the ebola virus – from a distance with kid gloves sterilized by cheap booze. The Captain has vowed to be a far different Dad – I have already informed my brood that I will willingly share my booze with them. But as far as expecting them to take care of me in my elder days, I freely admit I have no delusions. Adult children are like Corporate Pension plans: they will be gone when you’re old.
But this view certainly does not preclude conversing with our chronologically advanced kin. As you just knew I would, I am offering my own Captainesque advice on how to speak with seniors.
Tips for starting conversations with aging relatives:
* Shout
* Carry around a copy of a blank Will and Testament – you never know when Mom will be drunk
* Bring pictures of yourself when you were still a cute child and flash them periodically throughout your plea for a loan; if that fails, pull out the polaroids of Mom you stole from her secret drawer when you were a clever little child – that oughta secure a loan with 0% interest!
* Consider bringing along your own kids (only if they’re cute) but keep them a safe distance from Grandpa just in case they remind him of you
* Always remember to start every conversation with “Do you know who I am?” If the answer is affirmative, ask for a name to be sure. If negative, ask probing questions about your crazy uncles and insist on details. Offer nips as you see fit to jog the memory.
* I agree that discussing legal and financial issues can be awkward. However, I have good news. Old people, by definition, have limited futures and will be dead soon enough, so you can save time – a valuable commodity for the geriatric crowd – and move straight to the finances. After sharing a few nips that is. If you discover in your inquiry that there is in fact no money left in the family coffers, save the nips for yourself.
* Don’t let senility be a deterrent; in fact, look on the bright side. You can cheer up grandpa by bringing along a young man who looks just like your Uncle as a young man, the same Uncle who disappeared forever after he was kicked out of the house by your Grandpa because he was a no good sonovabitch drug dealer. Have him dress in fancy duds and pretend to be a successful banker or football star. That’ll cheer up Grandpa for sure.
So Believe The Captain when he says: It’s not death that’s painful, but the living moments leading up to it!
Yours taunting time,
The Captain
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