The Captain, Evolution, and Sexuality

Discussing sex with your kids is always an adventure – at least it is for The Captain, though I am guessing people of all generations consider a conversation with yours truly adventuresome. While riding in the car the other day with my three legitimate children, my 16 year old son and self-professed atheist began an interesting conversation about science and religion, which somehow took a wrong turn down a side discussion alley about sex (and it wasn’t even me but my 13 year old daughter who brought it up). He was discussing a scientific theory that stated that Bisexual human beings have an evolutionary advantage over Heterosexual and Homosexual humans. He claimed it was based on actual research. I did not verbalize the thoughts that popped into my head about how such an experiment might be conducted as my 9 year old son was in the car – he doesn’t need any ideas. But I was intrigued.

So I shared a story about a very heated debate I once witnessed while attending a class that was part of the Certification training for the CT Sexual Assault Crisis hotline (yes, a true story and no, I do not have the time or space here to explain – perhaps another time). The topic was sexual assault in the Gay and Lesbian communities. I was listening quietly (for once I had nothing to offer) when a woman stood up and announced that she was Bisexual and suggested that future training include Bisexuality in the discussion. This seemed like a logical suggestion to me, which should have been a dead giveaway that something was about to go awry – which it did. Immediately, a group of angry homosexuals pounced on this poor woman. Gays and Lesbians alike began screaming that there is no such thing as a Bisexual. She must be a Lesbian in denial! She must be confused, a victim of right wing religious propaganda insisting that homosexuality is a mortal sin! I woke right up. Being a male, I am genetically predisposed to enjoy a good catfight, and here a doozy was brewing between a bunch of lesbians and a Bisexual woman (who was drop dead gorgeous, by the way)! However, my enthusiasm was soon tempered by the very real possibility of the pissy Gay men jumping to the fray. Much to my chagrin, the dismayed training facilitator soon recovered her wits and was able to restore order before anything really interesting developed.

I am not entirely sure why I thought this story was relevant to the discussion other than my admitted penchant for non sequiturs; I probably thought it might be a clever diversion, but the offspring of The Captain are on to me, and my daughter asked me what I would do if one my children turned out to be Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual? In typical fashion, I responded that, as a parent, I am categorically, emphatically and morally against parents having sex with their children. My daughter, who is accustomed to her Father’s twisted and disjointed stabs at humorous distraction, replied as she always does: “Daddy, that is so sick!” laughing through her words of mock indignation. But she plied on, repeating her question. I answered that I was offended by her exclusion of Asexual human beings in her query. What about those people who, like the poet Morrissey, claim to have no sexual drive whatsoever? “Answer the question” came the reply. The damn kid is relentless. So I told her that I would love her no matter what. That shut her up!

Meanwhile, my oldest son was waiting patiently to share some of the research findings. For example, there are hermaphroditic fish which turn male or female in response to the prevailing natural stress of their environment. I said “Huh?” He explained that if there was a shortage of females, then a male could “convert” to the feminine, or vice versa, so the fish could continue to reproduce to ensure survival. Or when food for a particular species is scarce, rather than continue to reproduce at the same rate, the number of homosexual relationships increases so that the number of offspring decreases so that no member of the species will ever starve to death.

I pondered the above and reached the inevitable conclusion and announced to my brood that I should not be surprised if they all turned out to be homosexual. I know Mother Nature and there is no way she’d let my kids pass on to future generations the defective genes they inherited from their father. Oh well, I’ll certainly be saving on Christmas gifts for the grand kids! My 9 year old Ginger (slightly condescending slang for red headed people) meanwhile, who was uncharacteristically quiet throughout the conversation, announced that he was very annoyed by the fact that he’d have to break the news to the 17 or so girls who “liked” him that they would need to look elsewhere for a boy with whom to lip kiss. He then announced that he was a Lesbian.

Believe The Captain when he says: “The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son!

Yours a victim of evolutionary theory,

The Captain