Dear The Captain

Dear The Captain,

Years ago we became friends after meeting at a party given by Paul McCartney. The three of us have all been good friends since the 70's, although nobody believes it when we tell them about it. Actually, we have so many famous friends it isn't even funny, and we could name them all for you, but we don't really see how that is important. However, this is our question: if John McCain wins the election and dies, and Sarah Palin becomes the president, how difficult would it be to move to another country? Canada is freezing cold, so we wondered if you had any suggestions for alternative countries where people speak English.

---The Betsies

Dear The Betsies,

Please name all of your famous friends, and spare no detail. Though I am famous in the fantasy worlds of 13 of my 14 personalities, this has done little to enhance my financial status in the world where I am required to exchange currency for beer. Perhaps by verbally cavorting with such luminaries as The Betsies, and by association Paul McCartney et al, I can gain some measure of fame, enabling me to sell ads on my blog for frivolous, overpriced non-essential trinkets. And please send pictures so I can Photoshop myself into the mix.

Now, to answer your question, I will take the liberty of examining your premise: that John McCain will die in office shortly after being elected. Lest people dismiss your theory as Oliver Stonean, to coin a new phrase, I must reveal that there is a titillating internet rumor, or at least there will be as soon as I make this up as I go along, that John McCain will die a violent, ecstatic death after role playing Salmon spawning with Sarah Palin. I believe this is vaguely alluded to in some bizarre imagery in that handbook of Armageddon, the Biblical book of Revelation. Since one in eight Americans believes Alaska is a country, I will lump it in with Canada, and cross it off my list of possibilities.

You might try England or Ireland, where broken English is spoken. The climate is temperate as the Gulf Stream blankets these island nations. And the beer is great. But knowing that we are talking about The Betsies, I believe the only country for you is Monaco, that tiny haven for celebrities such as yourselves. They have gambling, sunny topless beaches, and a Grand Prix, which, I am told, is a rather pretentious form of street racing. With all that, who cares if they speak English! I bet you have friends there already with whom you can crash.

Please don’t forget to include me on your guest list after you're all settled in and throw your first star-studded bash.

Believe The Captain when he says: swim John, swim!

Yours boning up on Salmon migration,

The Captain