The Captain of late has been, to directly quote some of my Myrmidons, “scathing” and “brutal” in his social commentary of stupid old people and dumbass Project Managers…er, sorry, I mean our respected elders and dumbass Project Managers (OK, that will be my last Project Manager dart for at least six months). But yours truly has thick skin to complement my thick skull. Though I routinely sprinkle my creations with self-deprecating comments about my personal and professional flaws, not to mention totally bash my hometown, I have yet to devote an entire piece to critiquing The Captain, unless you count the time I interviewed myself and I came off looking shallow and unintelligent, even for me. So I am transforming into the Fox News of the Blogosphere by offering a fair and balanced look at my psychological imbalance! So, because you are all dying to get this started so you can chime in, here it comes: The Captain’s very first and quite possibly his only attempt at self-reflection!
· Our two-fingered typist unapologetically and unabashedly pecks out excessively long and grammatically challenged parenthetical sentences with no other purpose than to convey as little thought as possible in the most amount of words, which also conveniently provide his base and demeaning mind with endless opportunities to f*cking drop the F Bomb as often as possible for sophomoric yet dramatic effect – always punctuated by superfluous exc!amation points!!!!!!!!! Were I normal, I’d just write: “He writes meaningless run on sentences.”
· This Jackass fancies himself a writer with a following and has even gone so far as to give his readers a pet name – Myrmidons. Seriously, who the f*ck uses a word like “Myrmidons”?
· Is basically a lazy writer, resorting to the old standby topics that require little thought or research: sex, drugs, alcohol, and male superiority. He is often asked: “Where do you come up with this stuff?” Well, drugs cause hallucinations and alcohol, when applied generously, can release trapped memories and color the recollection of them in very interesting ways. Sex? The Captain is all for it. And in keeping with the laziness theme, there is no easier way to elicit a response from a woman than reverting back to your childhood days on the playground and figuratively shouting, “nah, nah, nah nah nah, boys are better than girls!”
· Born and bred in Torrington, CT. Even more disturbing, admits this freely.
· He’s a cheap gin connoisseur, if there can be such a thing.
· All Id and no Ego The Captain makes! According to Freud, the uncoordinated instinctual trends are the "id"; the organized realistic part of the psyche is the "ego," and the critical and moralizing function the "super-ego”. This explains a lot.
· Who a writer chooses to interview tells you a great deal about the mind of a writer. Let’s see now, The Captain has interviewed…a black bear fluent in Latin, himself, and a homicidal kitten from his dreams. So to recap. The Captain is…delusional, narcissistic, and psychotic.
· Our anti-hero is adept at sugarcoating the truth. He at various times has described himself as “imaginative,” “a creative genius,” “unorthodox,” and “a truth teller.” Here’s some truth: there’s something seriously wrong with that boy. Normal people don’t think like that.
· After elucidating endlessly on how often he embellishes and “makes shit up,” he nevertheless chooses to punctuate each and every entry by imploring his readers to “believe” his pile of BS. Well, believe this: THERE’S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THAT BOY!!” (I’d like to thank my Mom for inspiring this last mantra, having listened to her repeat it daily, unsolicited, for some 18 years.)
So Believe me, or don’t, when I say: “It’s all in the genes, Mom!!”
Yours blaming it all on my upbringing,
The Captain
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
If Parakeets Could Talk
I was having a reflective father and son talk recently with my youngest legitimate, an eleven year old ginger with a mischievous grin and a Captainesque imagination. He is responsible for taking care of a pet parakeet and was wondering what all the funny bird sounds really meant. He questioned the accuracy of our interpretation of said sounds. Was Seamus (the budgie) thanking him for giving him food or critiquing it? Below are some examples of possible human/bird miscommunication identified by father and son.
· When Seamus clicks quietly like a metronome, he could be saying:
§ “I am content; my food trough is filled with healthy seeds and my water bowl with fresh, crystal clear water.” OR…
§ “That’s the sound of a ticking time bomb; I’m sick of that dry garbage you feed me – I wouldn’t serve that crap to a diseased wren! And I shit in my water but lack the fine motor skills to clean it up! I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my razor sharp beak on your ear lobe and never let go!
· When he chirps melodically he is singing:
§ “My cage is my castle and in it I am happy and safe living with my human benefactors.” OR…
§ “Mother Canary, Mother Canary, do you copy? Imprisoned by giant, psychotic biped homo sapiens. Please summon the giant eagles to come and rescue me!”
· When he squawks loudly and climbs the cage walls, he is shouting:
§ “Time for some fun and exercise; come play with me!” OR…
§ “Get me the f*ck out of here!!!!!!”
· When he sits stock still and stares at me with his bright black eye, he is thinking:
§ “I gaze upon my lord and protector, my source of light and life. I am in awe.” OR…
§ “I must locate the jugular artery. I may only get one shot so I’ve got to get it right.”
· When he sits on my shoulder and poops on me, is he communicating:
§ “I am relaxed around you and even feel comfortable moving my bowels while in your company.” OR…
§ “I shit on you, human jailkeeper.”
Believe The Captain when he says: Fly away little bird!...oops, I forgot, your wings are clipped.
Yours wearing a beak-proof scarf,
The Captain
· When Seamus clicks quietly like a metronome, he could be saying:
§ “I am content; my food trough is filled with healthy seeds and my water bowl with fresh, crystal clear water.” OR…
§ “That’s the sound of a ticking time bomb; I’m sick of that dry garbage you feed me – I wouldn’t serve that crap to a diseased wren! And I shit in my water but lack the fine motor skills to clean it up! I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my razor sharp beak on your ear lobe and never let go!
· When he chirps melodically he is singing:
§ “My cage is my castle and in it I am happy and safe living with my human benefactors.” OR…
§ “Mother Canary, Mother Canary, do you copy? Imprisoned by giant, psychotic biped homo sapiens. Please summon the giant eagles to come and rescue me!”
· When he squawks loudly and climbs the cage walls, he is shouting:
§ “Time for some fun and exercise; come play with me!” OR…
§ “Get me the f*ck out of here!!!!!!”
· When he sits stock still and stares at me with his bright black eye, he is thinking:
§ “I gaze upon my lord and protector, my source of light and life. I am in awe.” OR…
§ “I must locate the jugular artery. I may only get one shot so I’ve got to get it right.”
· When he sits on my shoulder and poops on me, is he communicating:
§ “I am relaxed around you and even feel comfortable moving my bowels while in your company.” OR…
§ “I shit on you, human jailkeeper.”
Believe The Captain when he says: Fly away little bird!...oops, I forgot, your wings are clipped.
Yours wearing a beak-proof scarf,
The Captain
More Jargon Juice from Myrmidon Yarbs
Captain, what is the medical term for "craw" anyway? I never quite got that during my Westerns period...
Also, creating big, complex sounding words and sentences is not solely the art of PM's. The job postings arena here at Small Cubicle Insurance Company is a great and fun read (if you're not looking for a job). Note some of the wonderful phrases used for the claim handler position (oh wait, that's "Senior Technical Specialist"... 'nuf said). Below are some of the phrases and then their meanings in normal language:
1) “Completing essential functions” (Meaning: Do your job, especially the important stuff)
2) “Strategically-appropriate contact with appropriate parties” (Meaning: Call people when you need to and don’t go to a muffler shop when you need a paint job)
3) “Actively engage” (Meaning: Don’t just sit on your butt more than you should)
4) “Direction of appropriate internal and/or external resources” (Meaning: Tell people want you need them to do)
5) “Increase the technical expertise and improve bench strength” (Meaning: Like a basketball team, a claim office needs more than 5 starters and if the bench warmers are really bad we’re gonna lose)
6) “Share accountability” (Meaning: Take others down with you)
7) “Understand, synthesize, interpret and convey, in a simplified manner, complex data and information” (Meaning: The person who wrote this FAILED!)
8) “Drive Results” (Meaning: Results has no license and may occasionally need a ride)
9) “Leads Change” (Meaning: You take the risk not upper management. Each time I lead change I getting hammered down because the higher ups hate change and anything with style)
10) “Executes Business Strategy” (Meaning: Go to upper management and tell them what you think of their business strategy. This can also be called “Execute Your Employment”)
11) “Attract Top Talent” (Meaning: Forget what HR says about sexual harassment and discrimination, employee hotties)
12) “Leading Self-Emotional Intelligence” (Meaning: I have no idea what this could possible mean)
So Captain, as you can see, the problem goes even deeper than you suggest. All the above could be replaced by “Handle claims”…
Also, creating big, complex sounding words and sentences is not solely the art of PM's. The job postings arena here at Small Cubicle Insurance Company is a great and fun read (if you're not looking for a job). Note some of the wonderful phrases used for the claim handler position (oh wait, that's "Senior Technical Specialist"... 'nuf said). Below are some of the phrases and then their meanings in normal language:
1) “Completing essential functions” (Meaning: Do your job, especially the important stuff)
2) “Strategically-appropriate contact with appropriate parties” (Meaning: Call people when you need to and don’t go to a muffler shop when you need a paint job)
3) “Actively engage” (Meaning: Don’t just sit on your butt more than you should)
4) “Direction of appropriate internal and/or external resources” (Meaning: Tell people want you need them to do)
5) “Increase the technical expertise and improve bench strength” (Meaning: Like a basketball team, a claim office needs more than 5 starters and if the bench warmers are really bad we’re gonna lose)
6) “Share accountability” (Meaning: Take others down with you)
7) “Understand, synthesize, interpret and convey, in a simplified manner, complex data and information” (Meaning: The person who wrote this FAILED!)
8) “Drive Results” (Meaning: Results has no license and may occasionally need a ride)
9) “Leads Change” (Meaning: You take the risk not upper management. Each time I lead change I getting hammered down because the higher ups hate change and anything with style)
10) “Executes Business Strategy” (Meaning: Go to upper management and tell them what you think of their business strategy. This can also be called “Execute Your Employment”)
11) “Attract Top Talent” (Meaning: Forget what HR says about sexual harassment and discrimination, employee hotties)
12) “Leading Self-Emotional Intelligence” (Meaning: I have no idea what this could possible mean)
So Captain, as you can see, the problem goes even deeper than you suggest. All the above could be replaced by “Handle claims”…
Monday, April 12, 2010
Jargon Juice
The new Kool Aid in corporate America is Jargon Juice, an invention of the trendy corporate entitlement set of Project Managers, a clever if not helpful group of “professionals” who manage to be overpaid by simply dressing up and inserting the latest in meaningless corporate slang into every conversation they have and creating pretty Pamela Anderson PowerPoint presentations, not pornographically but metaphorically speaking. In other words, pretty, littered with fake parts, and utterly lacking in substance.
Now corporate jargon is certainly nothing new, but the Project Management Cult is so frighteningly adept at inventing new words to express obvious, self-evident thoughts, that I am convinced they are on some kind of verbal steroids – Jargon Juice. When I contacted the FDA with my concerns about an unregulated steroid, the spokesperson replied: “Dear The Captain, we have run your concerns up the flagpole and our senior leadership has by divine decree established the Verbal Steroid Advisory Board to address your concerns in this space; we will leverage the combined expertise and synch up with a multi-disciplinary team of subject matter experts. We have put out a call to our functional leads to identify the right players and should have a crackerjack board of key stakeholders assembled and ready to run in 12 to 120 months. We’ll revisit your concerns at that time. Have a wonderful life!” It’s worse than I’d imagined. They have infiltrated our government!!!!
The Captain is not prone to paranoia. Embellishment, playing fast and loose with the truth, poetic license, fibbing, and creative truth telling – guilty as charged! But there is a well-hidden undercurrent of rationalism and pragmatism that ultimately drives my nonsense. But in this case, paranoia has crept in alongside my delusions and fantasies. I am beginning to think that PMs (looks a lot like PMS, which I know is a sexist comment, but somehow fitting here) are descendents of those aliens who colonized northern Africa and built the Pyramids in Egypt; but then reason prevails, as it’s obvious to anyone whose had the misfortune of working with them that PMs never really build anything. But they are good at playing PMS tricks, kinda like my sisters when I was a kid. So before I start spitting verbal steroids, here is The Captain’s list of PMS Tricks!
· Kick Off Meeting: If a “Project” being managed was a house, this would be the equivalent of the homeowner hiring a consultant to call a meeting with the GC, the rough carpenters, the trim carpenters, the plumber, the electrician, the electrician’s wife (she does his books; plus, she’s hot), the painters, the carpet installers, the hardwood layers (sorry, couldn’t resist), the roofers, the tile guy, the architect, the interior designer, and Cousin Vinnie for the sole purpose of telling them all that a house is about to be built and furnished and they are expected to perform their assigned tasks to make it all happen and then – the cherry on top of the sundae – calculating the cost of his (homeowner’s ) time to be deducted from the final invoices of the invitees, Electrician’s wife excluded.
· PowerPoint Presentations. These are the PMs version of The Sims, that video game where teenagers create a virtual but nonexistent world, which is basically what PMs do when they present Project Proposals to the Senior Leadership Team (what they call their bosses) in slick PowerPoint presentations. They have no clue about how to actually make the pretty pictures and sounds come to life, but it sure as heck looks good to the SLT and carries with it an expensive price tag, so it must be a “value package,” whatever the f*ck that is. And by the way, female PMs don’t like it when you ask them if they wanna see your value package.
· Project Reassignment. When the people who have to actually try and build the overpriced toys in the PowerPoint presentations fail miserably because of the unrealistic goals and deadlines created by the PMs and the project heads South in a hurry, PMs hurry up and get themselves “reassigned” to leverage their expertise on other high level projects, preferably in another part of the company where they are not well known. They are immune to fan shit.
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. That’s quite a trick!
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. Oops, sorry about that; this one just sticks in my craw.
· Set up recurring 3 hour meetings for all the project team members that they themselves attend sporadically but only to take attendance at the beginning and crack the whip on deadlines at the end.
· Create spreadsheets with deadlines for things like: Reference SLT 14.5 times during Kick Off meetings; buy milk; make at least 7 condescending remarks to Senior Business Analyst who questioned a deadline in front of peers; book Cruise; request feedback from Business SMEs to create illusion they have input; blame IT for missing deadlines every 45 to 60 seconds; take meeting roll call at 1, 3, and 5 minutes from time dialed in, after spending first 5 minutes gloating about vacation no one else on call can afford.
· “Accidentally” kick out phone plug when Business SMEs start asking difficult questions (OK, I do this).
Believe The Captain when he says: I have a special value package!
Yours taking screen shots of my special value package,
The Captain
Now corporate jargon is certainly nothing new, but the Project Management Cult is so frighteningly adept at inventing new words to express obvious, self-evident thoughts, that I am convinced they are on some kind of verbal steroids – Jargon Juice. When I contacted the FDA with my concerns about an unregulated steroid, the spokesperson replied: “Dear The Captain, we have run your concerns up the flagpole and our senior leadership has by divine decree established the Verbal Steroid Advisory Board to address your concerns in this space; we will leverage the combined expertise and synch up with a multi-disciplinary team of subject matter experts. We have put out a call to our functional leads to identify the right players and should have a crackerjack board of key stakeholders assembled and ready to run in 12 to 120 months. We’ll revisit your concerns at that time. Have a wonderful life!” It’s worse than I’d imagined. They have infiltrated our government!!!!
The Captain is not prone to paranoia. Embellishment, playing fast and loose with the truth, poetic license, fibbing, and creative truth telling – guilty as charged! But there is a well-hidden undercurrent of rationalism and pragmatism that ultimately drives my nonsense. But in this case, paranoia has crept in alongside my delusions and fantasies. I am beginning to think that PMs (looks a lot like PMS, which I know is a sexist comment, but somehow fitting here) are descendents of those aliens who colonized northern Africa and built the Pyramids in Egypt; but then reason prevails, as it’s obvious to anyone whose had the misfortune of working with them that PMs never really build anything. But they are good at playing PMS tricks, kinda like my sisters when I was a kid. So before I start spitting verbal steroids, here is The Captain’s list of PMS Tricks!
· Kick Off Meeting: If a “Project” being managed was a house, this would be the equivalent of the homeowner hiring a consultant to call a meeting with the GC, the rough carpenters, the trim carpenters, the plumber, the electrician, the electrician’s wife (she does his books; plus, she’s hot), the painters, the carpet installers, the hardwood layers (sorry, couldn’t resist), the roofers, the tile guy, the architect, the interior designer, and Cousin Vinnie for the sole purpose of telling them all that a house is about to be built and furnished and they are expected to perform their assigned tasks to make it all happen and then – the cherry on top of the sundae – calculating the cost of his (homeowner’s ) time to be deducted from the final invoices of the invitees, Electrician’s wife excluded.
· PowerPoint Presentations. These are the PMs version of The Sims, that video game where teenagers create a virtual but nonexistent world, which is basically what PMs do when they present Project Proposals to the Senior Leadership Team (what they call their bosses) in slick PowerPoint presentations. They have no clue about how to actually make the pretty pictures and sounds come to life, but it sure as heck looks good to the SLT and carries with it an expensive price tag, so it must be a “value package,” whatever the f*ck that is. And by the way, female PMs don’t like it when you ask them if they wanna see your value package.
· Project Reassignment. When the people who have to actually try and build the overpriced toys in the PowerPoint presentations fail miserably because of the unrealistic goals and deadlines created by the PMs and the project heads South in a hurry, PMs hurry up and get themselves “reassigned” to leverage their expertise on other high level projects, preferably in another part of the company where they are not well known. They are immune to fan shit.
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. That’s quite a trick!
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. Oops, sorry about that; this one just sticks in my craw.
· Set up recurring 3 hour meetings for all the project team members that they themselves attend sporadically but only to take attendance at the beginning and crack the whip on deadlines at the end.
· Create spreadsheets with deadlines for things like: Reference SLT 14.5 times during Kick Off meetings; buy milk; make at least 7 condescending remarks to Senior Business Analyst who questioned a deadline in front of peers; book Cruise; request feedback from Business SMEs to create illusion they have input; blame IT for missing deadlines every 45 to 60 seconds; take meeting roll call at 1, 3, and 5 minutes from time dialed in, after spending first 5 minutes gloating about vacation no one else on call can afford.
· “Accidentally” kick out phone plug when Business SMEs start asking difficult questions (OK, I do this).
Believe The Captain when he says: I have a special value package!
Yours taking screen shots of my special value package,
The Captain
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Senior Entitlement
After conquering all the civilized world, Alexander the Great sat and wept, depressed that there were no barbarians left to enlighten and lamenting the fact he could not get to the moon to conquer it. This story has little to do with the topic I am tackling, but I like it and just felt like sharing it. Plus, my retelling no doubt suffers from having been interpreted by my brain, so it’s no don’t a faulty retelling. But worry not my Myrmidons, I will find a way to tie it back to my chosen theme – old people who think they are “all that and a bag of chips.” Lucky for you, I found my connection when writing the prior sentence. Like The Captain, many senior citizens demonstrate an utter and complete disregard for others, often to the point of outright and intentional discourtesy. What is it about getting old that drives some people to throw away the rules of polite society they spent decades inculcating in their offspring? Say please. Say thank you. Hold the door for others. Shower. Use deodorant. It’s like they just wake up one day old and cranky and begin cutting in front of the cutest toddlers to get to the head of the buffet line. Below is a smorgasbord of offensive behaviors you can add to all the others you’ve witnessed. So here they are: The Captain’s Edition of Senior Entitlements!
· I’m going to lead with a cliché, but a timeless one: who the f*ck gave Aunt Edna permission to place my cheek in a vice grip with her clammy yellow reptilian claw?? I have to chuckle at the image that just this instant crossed my mind; with so many spoiled brats out there today, it won’t be long before we read about some likewise entitled fat kid who goes off and hauls a haymaker at his skeletal Aunt and gets arrested for assault. I predict this. Just wait and see.
· Personal space. Seniors I am describing suddenly seem to think that my personal space is now theirs as well. Why just the other day while at the salad bar I made a quarter turn without leaving my personal space and grandma’s hairy, gooey nose was buried in my chest. Ruined my meal and my Ralph Lauren Polo!
· Their big cars are but an extension of their attitude. Where in the Driver’s Ed manual does it say that being on the lookout for other drivers before pulling out in front of traffic is optional for seniors? And I used to think that it was difficult for grandma to navigate a Lincoln Town Car between the lines of a parking space because of failing eyesight, but I’m now convinced it’s just her way of saying, “F*ck you world, I’m old and could go at any minute now so I’m gonna take up two spaces because I DON’T CARE!
· Remember when you were a naïve kid and would always sit at the same seat at the dinner table like God had somehow taken time out of his busy day fighting plagues, wars and pestilences to carve out a special place for you in the world? Well, it’s the same with seniors and slot machines. But even God won’t be able to help if you accidentally try and use Aunt Edna’s “lucky” machine. I put “lucky” in quotes because I’m not sure that taking 20 years of cumulative winnings and spending it all on tobacco is very lucky, especially when your fanny pack is an oxygen machine.
· And what about when your parents, who spent your entire childhood lecturing you incessantly on why buying you a Nintendo would fry your brain when they really just didn’t want to spend the money on you? Today they routinely ignore your protestations about buying yet another expensive, brain-frying electronic device for your own children, who in turn routinely laugh at your incessant lectures because they know Gram and Gramps will come through for them.
· A man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against fashion that we all believed Larry Bird managed to kill off decades ago. A wrinkly old man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against humanity. But a wrinkly old man donning them without wearing so much as a jock strap beneath while sitting spread eagle at the quad machine at the gym is a crime against God, I tell you!
· Seniors with canes – don’t be fooled. While some may actually have a walking impediment that warrants the possession of a cane, the sadistic entitlement lot are simply taking advantage of our sympathetic attitude; they figured out a long time ago that a sturdy wooden club is great for flogging the younger generation they bitterly loathe, especially when they realize no cop in the world is ever gonna arrest Heidi’s infirm uncle. But The Captain will give credit where credit is due, and I applaud seniors with the hidden flask canes. Nice work you old farts! But seniors need to also beware of the younger confidence men who pretend to have a debilitating disease which requires the use of a cane when they are nothing more than drug dealers who hide their product inside the canes. I once witnessed the tragedy of a senior taking a drug dealer’s cane by mistake; he pulled out the secret flask to take a swig and ended up ingesting some cocaine, which was a bit too much for his old ticker; he died within seconds, though with a big grin on his face.
· Senior Selective Memory (SSM). There are certain social activities that we are all obligated to attend: relatives’ birthday parties, baby showers, Sunday Mass, etc. But seniors with SSM tend to forget those “inconvenient” appointments, especially when they conflict with early bird specials, happy hours, or tee times. And because SSM can easily be confused with Alzheimers Disease, no one dares accuse Grandma of having SSM for fear of being wrong, so seniors are allowed to skate. Nice.
Believe The Captain when he says: Never approach an entitled senior without backup!
Yours shopping online for novelty canes,
The Captain
· I’m going to lead with a cliché, but a timeless one: who the f*ck gave Aunt Edna permission to place my cheek in a vice grip with her clammy yellow reptilian claw?? I have to chuckle at the image that just this instant crossed my mind; with so many spoiled brats out there today, it won’t be long before we read about some likewise entitled fat kid who goes off and hauls a haymaker at his skeletal Aunt and gets arrested for assault. I predict this. Just wait and see.
· Personal space. Seniors I am describing suddenly seem to think that my personal space is now theirs as well. Why just the other day while at the salad bar I made a quarter turn without leaving my personal space and grandma’s hairy, gooey nose was buried in my chest. Ruined my meal and my Ralph Lauren Polo!
· Their big cars are but an extension of their attitude. Where in the Driver’s Ed manual does it say that being on the lookout for other drivers before pulling out in front of traffic is optional for seniors? And I used to think that it was difficult for grandma to navigate a Lincoln Town Car between the lines of a parking space because of failing eyesight, but I’m now convinced it’s just her way of saying, “F*ck you world, I’m old and could go at any minute now so I’m gonna take up two spaces because I DON’T CARE!
· Remember when you were a naïve kid and would always sit at the same seat at the dinner table like God had somehow taken time out of his busy day fighting plagues, wars and pestilences to carve out a special place for you in the world? Well, it’s the same with seniors and slot machines. But even God won’t be able to help if you accidentally try and use Aunt Edna’s “lucky” machine. I put “lucky” in quotes because I’m not sure that taking 20 years of cumulative winnings and spending it all on tobacco is very lucky, especially when your fanny pack is an oxygen machine.
· And what about when your parents, who spent your entire childhood lecturing you incessantly on why buying you a Nintendo would fry your brain when they really just didn’t want to spend the money on you? Today they routinely ignore your protestations about buying yet another expensive, brain-frying electronic device for your own children, who in turn routinely laugh at your incessant lectures because they know Gram and Gramps will come through for them.
· A man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against fashion that we all believed Larry Bird managed to kill off decades ago. A wrinkly old man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against humanity. But a wrinkly old man donning them without wearing so much as a jock strap beneath while sitting spread eagle at the quad machine at the gym is a crime against God, I tell you!
· Seniors with canes – don’t be fooled. While some may actually have a walking impediment that warrants the possession of a cane, the sadistic entitlement lot are simply taking advantage of our sympathetic attitude; they figured out a long time ago that a sturdy wooden club is great for flogging the younger generation they bitterly loathe, especially when they realize no cop in the world is ever gonna arrest Heidi’s infirm uncle. But The Captain will give credit where credit is due, and I applaud seniors with the hidden flask canes. Nice work you old farts! But seniors need to also beware of the younger confidence men who pretend to have a debilitating disease which requires the use of a cane when they are nothing more than drug dealers who hide their product inside the canes. I once witnessed the tragedy of a senior taking a drug dealer’s cane by mistake; he pulled out the secret flask to take a swig and ended up ingesting some cocaine, which was a bit too much for his old ticker; he died within seconds, though with a big grin on his face.
· Senior Selective Memory (SSM). There are certain social activities that we are all obligated to attend: relatives’ birthday parties, baby showers, Sunday Mass, etc. But seniors with SSM tend to forget those “inconvenient” appointments, especially when they conflict with early bird specials, happy hours, or tee times. And because SSM can easily be confused with Alzheimers Disease, no one dares accuse Grandma of having SSM for fear of being wrong, so seniors are allowed to skate. Nice.
Believe The Captain when he says: Never approach an entitled senior without backup!
Yours shopping online for novelty canes,
The Captain
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Male Brain
I admit it. I was skeptical. A female psychiatrist writes a book called The ‘Male Brain’. I know what you are all thinking. “What? Are you f*cking kidding me? A female doctor who’s too pretty to be smart knows more about the male brain than The Captain, that armchair psychologist with advanced degrees in BS from the University of Hard Knocks who has the distinct advantage of actually possessing a male brain?” That was actually my thinking, but no matter, because, being a male, I only pretend to care about what others think because my gender engenders the quiet confidence that I’m always right. I dare anyone to get more ‘male’ than that! But back to our author. I assumed that, having a ‘Female Brain,’ she would simply ignore anything a man has to say and write what she wanted anyway. But I am going to shock you all. Though I do not need to assume anything to make an ass out of myself, I openly (but not gayly) admit that our author is not only attractive, but also makes some valid and creative arguments that – gasp – appeal to my male brain! See my commentary below in red.
The 'Male Brain': So that explains it
By Dr. Louann Brizendine
Hot Red Head Dr. Louann Brizendine (I cropped her bosom to avoid falling into a Man Trance.)
The…Cap-tain
The 'Male Brain': So that explains it
By Dr. Louann Brizendine
Hot Red Head Dr. Louann Brizendine (I cropped her bosom to avoid falling into a Man Trance.)(CNN) -- Although women the world over have been doing it for centuries, we can't really blame a guy for being a guy. Thank you Saint Louann Brizendine! And this is especially true now that we know that the male and female brains have some profound differences. Men have known this since forever; we have bigger heads, ergo bigger brains. Duh!
Our brains are mostly alike. We are the same species, after all. I’m not convinced this is true. But the differences can sometimes make it seem like we are worlds apart.
The "defend your turf" area -- dorsal premammillary nucleus (this sounds like a female organ if you ask me) -- is larger in the male brain and contains special circuits to detect territorial challenges by other males. And his amygdala, the alarm system for threats, fear and danger is also larger in men (Men often fight over whose amygdala is bigger). These brain differences make men more alert than women to potential turf threats.
Meanwhile, the "I feel what you feel" part of the brain -- mirror-neuron system -- is larger and more active in the female brain. So women can naturally get in sync with others' emotions by reading facial expressions, interpreting tone of voice and other nonverbal emotional cues. This is perhaps the cruelest fraud perpetuated by Mother Nature (a woman, of course). She allows humankind to develop highly complex languages but then sneaks the old mirror-neuron system into the female brain while men were out hunting or gathering or something. So as men attempt to communicate with uniquely human sounds which form arbitrary auditory symbols that we as social animals agree to communicate with, women are looking at our faces and our posture and completely ignoring the words which are the product of millions of years of evolution.
Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. I question this assertion. Remove the decimal point and I might agree. And what’s the scientific name for this part of the brain? Grabthegluteous? Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 200 to 250 percent more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.
If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of two gallons a day. OMG. Was she spying on me? This fuels their sexual engines (Ha! Testosterone is the Gasoline for the Grabthegluteous!) and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex. I think it’s time women embrace their female body parts as much as men embrace them.
And so begins the 'Man Trance'
All that testosterone drives the "Man Trance"-- that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts (or scientifically, Peepatpectoralust). As a woman who was among the ranks of the early feminists, I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Here comes the long-winded non sequitur. During a spirited lunch time discussion with coworkers (2 male, 2 female), the long term effects of acknowledging the existence of the “Man Trance” were discussed. The men initially saw this as a positive and revolutionary step for the advancement of inter-gender communication. Finally, women would comprehend us, thus eliminating all the heartburn and headache associated with trying to make women understand; but of course, it took a woman to point out the potential pitfalls of such a development. Our own brains can be used against us! She suggested that all a woman has to do to gain political, social and economic power over a man is approach him and stick out her boobs, instantly inducing a “Man Trance,” rendering the male completely helpless. Rather than being seen as a demeaning and objectifying gesture, the boob attack would become the ultimate weapon in turning the world on its head by allowing women to gain control of the Universe. Let me tell you, this did not sound very appealing to us guys! Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates. Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods. Ha! I love it. Guys, next time you get caught checking out the goods, your response should be, “Sorry, my visual brain circuits were pursuing visual enticement.” You’ll still probably get slapped, but it’s worth a try.
To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. I did not write this - a highly educated woman did. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later (try 5 hours!), while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken breast for dinner. He, if married for less than 5 years, asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV. We smolder and fear that he'll leave us for another woman. I had no idea that really worked!
Men look at attractive women the way women look at pretty butterflies. Thanks for another great argument, Louann. Next time your spouse or girlfriend starts smoldering because you were looking at pretty butterflies, tell her, “No need to worry, darling, when’s the last time I had sex with a butterfly?” Not surprisingly, the different objectives that men and women have in mating games put us on opposing teams -- at least at first. The female brain is driven to seek security and reliability ($$$) in a potential mate before she has sex. But a male brain is fueled by booze to mate and mate again (so the Mormons had it right all along!). Until, that is, he mates for life. No, she must be talking about Swans.
Despite stereotypes to the contrary, the male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so. When he meets and sets his sights on capturing "the one," mating with her becomes his prime directive. And when he succeeds (he moves on to “number two, and so on and so forth), his brain makes an indelible imprint of her. Lust and love collide and he's hooked.
The 'Doting Daddy Brain'
A man in hot pursuit of a mate doesn't even remotely resemble a devoted, doting daddy. But that's what his future holds. Don’t tell us that! When his mate becomes pregnant, she'll emit pheromones that will waft into his nostrils, stimulating his brain to make more of a hormone called prolactin. Her pheromones will also cause his testosterone production to drop by 30 percent. Guys, we need to lobby the Pharmaceutical Industry to develop an antidote to prolactin!!!!!! These hormonal changes make him more likely to help with the baby. They also change his perceptual circuitry (I already have booze to do this, why do I need prolactin?), increasing his ability to hear a baby cry, something many men can't do very well before their wives are pregnant. And with good reason!!
And a word to the wise for all the young mothers who are reluctant to let your husbands hold and care for your newborn. The more hands-on care a father gives his infant, the more his brain aligns with the role of fatherhood. So, hand over the baby. AAARRGGGHHHHHHH!!
His emotions run deep
Although men have earned the reputation for being more stoic than women, they actually have stronger emotional reactions than we do. They just don't show it very often. She lies! How could she possibly know this? She’s a woman!!
The male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so.
Studies of men's faces show that the male brains initial emotional reaction can be stronger than the female brain's. But within 2.5 seconds, he changes his face to hide the emotion, or even reverse it. The repeated practice of hiding his emotions gives men the classic poker face. Wrong, wrong, wrong on this one Louann. These behaviors are performed by men to make women think that men have deep feelings. I can assure you that those 2.5 seconds are spent thinking about visual enticement.
It's his poker face and his analytical response to personal problems that can put him in the doghouse. Correction. Any act on his part, be it trivial or innocuous, can get him in the doghouse; it’s all dependent on the mood of his woman. She's crying as she talks about what's wrong with the relationship, and instead of hugging her, his mind is racing to find a way to resolve the problem as soon as possible. Well, she got this half right. His mind is racing… to figure out a way to end the conversation ASAFP so that it can get back to thinking about what it should be thinking about – visual enticement. With practice and because of the way their brains are wired, men use their analytical brain structures, not their emotional ones, to find a solution.
They enjoy this advantage, but women often take affront to it. Why do women always feel affronted when men enjoy an advantage over them?? When you're telling your husband your problem and he tries to solve it instead of hearing you out, you may think he's being insensitive. But that's not what's going on in his brain. He's working to solve the problem so he can (end the conversation ASAFP) relieve your pain as quickly as possible. Not because he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen, but because he loves you. Yeah, that’s it sweetie.
'Lovable Grandpas' and 'Grumpy Old Men'
As men age, the male brain hormones change and the male brain and body goes into the stage of life called andropause. The king of male hormones -- testosterone -- goes down and the queen of female hormones -- estrogen -- goes up. Lies, lies and more lies!! She failed to mention ‘Dirty Old Men’ who are no different from young men if you discount the age difference. Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes. For example, if his testosterone levels drop to an abnormally low level, he can feel tired, irritable and even depressed – in other words, like a woman!. Some men in this condition seek hormone replacement therapy and others (real men) find relief in exercise, more frequent sex, and spending more time with other people.
· Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes.
The grandpa that kids can't wait to see is the one who's feeling the effects of the hormone oxytocin, often called the "cuddle hormone." I’m pretty sure oxytocin is found in beer. He's fun and playful and likes to hear what his grandchildren have to say. He's much more patient with your children than he was with you, when you were growing up. Everyone knows it’s easier to be patient with kids you can send away at the end of a long day without any legal repercussions. The love circuits of the mature male brain can be hijacked by his grandkids, even more than they were by his own children. That just sounds so wrong.
The 'Lonely Hearts Club'
Not only is the mature male (oxymoron) brain more receptive to closer bonds, but it's also more sensitive to loneliness. Nobody thrives when they're lonely, but it seems to take a major toll on older men. Sixty-five percent of divorces in couples over the age of 60 are initiated by women, leaving their husbands shell-shocked and devastated. This is the untold story about why middle aged men divorce their wives to be with younger women – they know what’s coming once they hit sixty so they’re simply making a preemptive strike.
Once his wife leaves, unless he makes a point of socializing more with other people, his brain stops getting the social workout it needs to make him feel good about himself. Simply not true. He still has the right to purchase alcohol and his two hands. If he becomes a loner, his social-approval circuits don't get activated. In brain scan studies of older males researchers have found that the brain's pleasure and reward areas, the VTA and the NAC, remain more active in men who are social. So don't begrudge the divorcee or the new widower some socializing and seeking female companionship. Finally some good advice again.
The bottom line
The male human brain is the best learning machine on the planet and male human beings are capable of making major changes in our lives. But there are some things that the male brain and female brain are not likely to change anytime soon. And it makes more sense to deal with these brain realities, than to argue with them or ignoring them.
The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain. Let men be men. Hallelujah Sister. Amen to that!
Believe The Captain when he exhorts: Men – prepare to do battle! Women – take out your weapons!
Yours…Los-ing…the…bat-tle…
Our brains are mostly alike. We are the same species, after all. I’m not convinced this is true. But the differences can sometimes make it seem like we are worlds apart.
The "defend your turf" area -- dorsal premammillary nucleus (this sounds like a female organ if you ask me) -- is larger in the male brain and contains special circuits to detect territorial challenges by other males. And his amygdala, the alarm system for threats, fear and danger is also larger in men (Men often fight over whose amygdala is bigger). These brain differences make men more alert than women to potential turf threats.
Meanwhile, the "I feel what you feel" part of the brain -- mirror-neuron system -- is larger and more active in the female brain. So women can naturally get in sync with others' emotions by reading facial expressions, interpreting tone of voice and other nonverbal emotional cues. This is perhaps the cruelest fraud perpetuated by Mother Nature (a woman, of course). She allows humankind to develop highly complex languages but then sneaks the old mirror-neuron system into the female brain while men were out hunting or gathering or something. So as men attempt to communicate with uniquely human sounds which form arbitrary auditory symbols that we as social animals agree to communicate with, women are looking at our faces and our posture and completely ignoring the words which are the product of millions of years of evolution.
Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. I question this assertion. Remove the decimal point and I might agree. And what’s the scientific name for this part of the brain? Grabthegluteous? Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 200 to 250 percent more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.
If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of two gallons a day. OMG. Was she spying on me? This fuels their sexual engines (Ha! Testosterone is the Gasoline for the Grabthegluteous!) and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex. I think it’s time women embrace their female body parts as much as men embrace them.
And so begins the 'Man Trance'
All that testosterone drives the "Man Trance"-- that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts (or scientifically, Peepatpectoralust). As a woman who was among the ranks of the early feminists, I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Here comes the long-winded non sequitur. During a spirited lunch time discussion with coworkers (2 male, 2 female), the long term effects of acknowledging the existence of the “Man Trance” were discussed. The men initially saw this as a positive and revolutionary step for the advancement of inter-gender communication. Finally, women would comprehend us, thus eliminating all the heartburn and headache associated with trying to make women understand; but of course, it took a woman to point out the potential pitfalls of such a development. Our own brains can be used against us! She suggested that all a woman has to do to gain political, social and economic power over a man is approach him and stick out her boobs, instantly inducing a “Man Trance,” rendering the male completely helpless. Rather than being seen as a demeaning and objectifying gesture, the boob attack would become the ultimate weapon in turning the world on its head by allowing women to gain control of the Universe. Let me tell you, this did not sound very appealing to us guys! Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates. Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods. Ha! I love it. Guys, next time you get caught checking out the goods, your response should be, “Sorry, my visual brain circuits were pursuing visual enticement.” You’ll still probably get slapped, but it’s worth a try.
To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. I did not write this - a highly educated woman did. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later (try 5 hours!), while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken breast for dinner. He, if married for less than 5 years, asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV. We smolder and fear that he'll leave us for another woman. I had no idea that really worked!
Men look at attractive women the way women look at pretty butterflies. Thanks for another great argument, Louann. Next time your spouse or girlfriend starts smoldering because you were looking at pretty butterflies, tell her, “No need to worry, darling, when’s the last time I had sex with a butterfly?” Not surprisingly, the different objectives that men and women have in mating games put us on opposing teams -- at least at first. The female brain is driven to seek security and reliability ($$$) in a potential mate before she has sex. But a male brain is fueled by booze to mate and mate again (so the Mormons had it right all along!). Until, that is, he mates for life. No, she must be talking about Swans.
Despite stereotypes to the contrary, the male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so. When he meets and sets his sights on capturing "the one," mating with her becomes his prime directive. And when he succeeds (he moves on to “number two, and so on and so forth), his brain makes an indelible imprint of her. Lust and love collide and he's hooked.
The 'Doting Daddy Brain'
A man in hot pursuit of a mate doesn't even remotely resemble a devoted, doting daddy. But that's what his future holds. Don’t tell us that! When his mate becomes pregnant, she'll emit pheromones that will waft into his nostrils, stimulating his brain to make more of a hormone called prolactin. Her pheromones will also cause his testosterone production to drop by 30 percent. Guys, we need to lobby the Pharmaceutical Industry to develop an antidote to prolactin!!!!!! These hormonal changes make him more likely to help with the baby. They also change his perceptual circuitry (I already have booze to do this, why do I need prolactin?), increasing his ability to hear a baby cry, something many men can't do very well before their wives are pregnant. And with good reason!!
And a word to the wise for all the young mothers who are reluctant to let your husbands hold and care for your newborn. The more hands-on care a father gives his infant, the more his brain aligns with the role of fatherhood. So, hand over the baby. AAARRGGGHHHHHHH!!
His emotions run deep
Although men have earned the reputation for being more stoic than women, they actually have stronger emotional reactions than we do. They just don't show it very often. She lies! How could she possibly know this? She’s a woman!!
The male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain, and maybe more so.
Studies of men's faces show that the male brains initial emotional reaction can be stronger than the female brain's. But within 2.5 seconds, he changes his face to hide the emotion, or even reverse it. The repeated practice of hiding his emotions gives men the classic poker face. Wrong, wrong, wrong on this one Louann. These behaviors are performed by men to make women think that men have deep feelings. I can assure you that those 2.5 seconds are spent thinking about visual enticement.
It's his poker face and his analytical response to personal problems that can put him in the doghouse. Correction. Any act on his part, be it trivial or innocuous, can get him in the doghouse; it’s all dependent on the mood of his woman. She's crying as she talks about what's wrong with the relationship, and instead of hugging her, his mind is racing to find a way to resolve the problem as soon as possible. Well, she got this half right. His mind is racing… to figure out a way to end the conversation ASAFP so that it can get back to thinking about what it should be thinking about – visual enticement. With practice and because of the way their brains are wired, men use their analytical brain structures, not their emotional ones, to find a solution.
They enjoy this advantage, but women often take affront to it. Why do women always feel affronted when men enjoy an advantage over them?? When you're telling your husband your problem and he tries to solve it instead of hearing you out, you may think he's being insensitive. But that's not what's going on in his brain. He's working to solve the problem so he can (end the conversation ASAFP) relieve your pain as quickly as possible. Not because he doesn't care or doesn't want to listen, but because he loves you. Yeah, that’s it sweetie.
'Lovable Grandpas' and 'Grumpy Old Men'
As men age, the male brain hormones change and the male brain and body goes into the stage of life called andropause. The king of male hormones -- testosterone -- goes down and the queen of female hormones -- estrogen -- goes up. Lies, lies and more lies!! She failed to mention ‘Dirty Old Men’ who are no different from young men if you discount the age difference. Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes. For example, if his testosterone levels drop to an abnormally low level, he can feel tired, irritable and even depressed – in other words, like a woman!. Some men in this condition seek hormone replacement therapy and others (real men) find relief in exercise, more frequent sex, and spending more time with other people.
· Whether Grandpa is your kids' hero or the grouch they hate to visit depends a lot on how he handles these hormonal changes.
The grandpa that kids can't wait to see is the one who's feeling the effects of the hormone oxytocin, often called the "cuddle hormone." I’m pretty sure oxytocin is found in beer. He's fun and playful and likes to hear what his grandchildren have to say. He's much more patient with your children than he was with you, when you were growing up. Everyone knows it’s easier to be patient with kids you can send away at the end of a long day without any legal repercussions. The love circuits of the mature male brain can be hijacked by his grandkids, even more than they were by his own children. That just sounds so wrong.
The 'Lonely Hearts Club'
Not only is the mature male (oxymoron) brain more receptive to closer bonds, but it's also more sensitive to loneliness. Nobody thrives when they're lonely, but it seems to take a major toll on older men. Sixty-five percent of divorces in couples over the age of 60 are initiated by women, leaving their husbands shell-shocked and devastated. This is the untold story about why middle aged men divorce their wives to be with younger women – they know what’s coming once they hit sixty so they’re simply making a preemptive strike.
Once his wife leaves, unless he makes a point of socializing more with other people, his brain stops getting the social workout it needs to make him feel good about himself. Simply not true. He still has the right to purchase alcohol and his two hands. If he becomes a loner, his social-approval circuits don't get activated. In brain scan studies of older males researchers have found that the brain's pleasure and reward areas, the VTA and the NAC, remain more active in men who are social. So don't begrudge the divorcee or the new widower some socializing and seeking female companionship. Finally some good advice again.
The bottom line
The male human brain is the best learning machine on the planet and male human beings are capable of making major changes in our lives. But there are some things that the male brain and female brain are not likely to change anytime soon. And it makes more sense to deal with these brain realities, than to argue with them or ignoring them.
The best advice I have for women is make peace with the male brain. Let men be men. Hallelujah Sister. Amen to that!
Believe The Captain when he exhorts: Men – prepare to do battle! Women – take out your weapons!
Yours…Los-ing…the…bat-tle…
The…Cap-tain
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Oxymorons
“Oxymoronic” is one of my favorite words. First, it describes so much of what The Captain sees as he navigates the deep, mysterious waters of life. It is quite possible, if not entirely likely, that my phenomenological filters are fried and cracked and I am viewing the world through a broken prism, which would make everything appear contradictory and disjointed but nevertheless interesting in a twisted, colorful, kaleidoscopic sort of way. But you know all this. I also like it because within it is the word “moron.” But, to take it beyond the literary, I would be surprised if most of you did not also see the humorous irony in the juxtaposition of two opposites when walking the dog or traversing the long, nondescript aisles in your corporate prisons pretending to be lost while looking for a meeting you have no intention of attending. I invite you all to submit your own instances; I will gladly publish them if they are funny. But for now, on to The Captain’s virgin list of life’s Oxymorons!
· Gym Teacher. I never once witnessed an act of teaching in gym class, unless you consider showing the jocks how to use a dodgeball to knock down nerds like bowling pins didactic.
· Star Trek Food. For a ground breaking Science Fiction TV show with imaginative features like Warp drive and the deconstructing and reconstructing of the human molecular structure by drunk Scotsman, it is ironically inexplicable that its renditions of futuristic food look an awful lot like the Play-Doh meals I prepared as a lad.
· “Skinny” Jeans on not so skinny people. Let’s not sugar coat this. The Jeans companies had a reason for inserting this adjective. If this adjective does not describe you, then I suggest you shop in the “Loose Fitting” section.
· Reality TV. My life may be bizarre, but it’s certainly not scripted or edited. In real life, we don’t get a chance to read the script ahead of time or edit our “film” after behaving badly. I wish that I had a “Reality TV” mode I could switch on just before I go out drinking.
· Project Managers. These are people who work in businesses about which they know nothing but get paid way-too-much-fucking money to boss around, nag, bother and pontificate over the people who actually know something about the business they work in and who make far-too-little fucking money. If you are a Project Manager reading this, don’t be offended. You know less but make more. So who’s smarter?? It doesn’t get more Oxymoronic than that!
· Smart Blondes. They’re out there and ironically have a distinct advantage over smart brunettes or redheads precisely because people underestimate their intelligence. The truly smart blondes act dumb because they are smart while truly dumb blondes act dumb because they are dumb. Confused? That’s exactly what the smart blondes want you to be you Oxymorons!
· My Myrmidons. In spite of my jibes and insults and incoherence and incontinence and superfluous exclamation points and unbearably long non sequitur parentheticals, you remain loyal readers. And for that Oxymoron I say THANK YOU!
Believe The Captain when he says: I’m just a plain old Moron!
Yours with sincere apologies to Project Managers (of course, you have no way of really knowing if I am sincere, unless you dare to probe the depths of my psyche – far too scary – or are sitting next to me as I type to observe my body language or facial expressions – far too creepy – so I leave it ambiguous by design while executing my hidden agenda, which is to insert a long-winded parenthetical. Mission accomplished!)
The Captain
· Gym Teacher. I never once witnessed an act of teaching in gym class, unless you consider showing the jocks how to use a dodgeball to knock down nerds like bowling pins didactic.
· Star Trek Food. For a ground breaking Science Fiction TV show with imaginative features like Warp drive and the deconstructing and reconstructing of the human molecular structure by drunk Scotsman, it is ironically inexplicable that its renditions of futuristic food look an awful lot like the Play-Doh meals I prepared as a lad.
· “Skinny” Jeans on not so skinny people. Let’s not sugar coat this. The Jeans companies had a reason for inserting this adjective. If this adjective does not describe you, then I suggest you shop in the “Loose Fitting” section.
· Reality TV. My life may be bizarre, but it’s certainly not scripted or edited. In real life, we don’t get a chance to read the script ahead of time or edit our “film” after behaving badly. I wish that I had a “Reality TV” mode I could switch on just before I go out drinking.
· Project Managers. These are people who work in businesses about which they know nothing but get paid way-too-much-fucking money to boss around, nag, bother and pontificate over the people who actually know something about the business they work in and who make far-too-little fucking money. If you are a Project Manager reading this, don’t be offended. You know less but make more. So who’s smarter?? It doesn’t get more Oxymoronic than that!
· Smart Blondes. They’re out there and ironically have a distinct advantage over smart brunettes or redheads precisely because people underestimate their intelligence. The truly smart blondes act dumb because they are smart while truly dumb blondes act dumb because they are dumb. Confused? That’s exactly what the smart blondes want you to be you Oxymorons!
· My Myrmidons. In spite of my jibes and insults and incoherence and incontinence and superfluous exclamation points and unbearably long non sequitur parentheticals, you remain loyal readers. And for that Oxymoron I say THANK YOU!
Believe The Captain when he says: I’m just a plain old Moron!
Yours with sincere apologies to Project Managers (of course, you have no way of really knowing if I am sincere, unless you dare to probe the depths of my psyche – far too scary – or are sitting next to me as I type to observe my body language or facial expressions – far too creepy – so I leave it ambiguous by design while executing my hidden agenda, which is to insert a long-winded parenthetical. Mission accomplished!)
The Captain
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