The Captain Critiques Himself

The Captain of late has been, to directly quote some of my Myrmidons, “scathing” and “brutal” in his social commentary of stupid old people and dumbass Project Managers…er, sorry, I mean our respected elders and dumbass Project Managers (OK, that will be my last Project Manager dart for at least six months). But yours truly has thick skin to complement my thick skull. Though I routinely sprinkle my creations with self-deprecating comments about my personal and professional flaws, not to mention totally bash my hometown, I have yet to devote an entire piece to critiquing The Captain, unless you count the time I interviewed myself and I came off looking shallow and unintelligent, even for me. So I am transforming into the Fox News of the Blogosphere by offering a fair and balanced look at my psychological imbalance! So, because you are all dying to get this started so you can chime in, here it comes: The Captain’s very first and quite possibly his only attempt at self-reflection!

· Our two-fingered typist unapologetically and unabashedly pecks out excessively long and grammatically challenged parenthetical sentences with no other purpose than to convey as little thought as possible in the most amount of words, which also conveniently provide his base and demeaning mind with endless opportunities to f*cking drop the F Bomb as often as possible for sophomoric yet dramatic effect – always punctuated by superfluous exc!amation points!!!!!!!!! Were I normal, I’d just write: “He writes meaningless run on sentences.”

· This Jackass fancies himself a writer with a following and has even gone so far as to give his readers a pet name – Myrmidons. Seriously, who the f*ck uses a word like “Myrmidons”?

· Is basically a lazy writer, resorting to the old standby topics that require little thought or research: sex, drugs, alcohol, and male superiority. He is often asked: “Where do you come up with this stuff?” Well, drugs cause hallucinations and alcohol, when applied generously, can release trapped memories and color the recollection of them in very interesting ways. Sex? The Captain is all for it. And in keeping with the laziness theme, there is no easier way to elicit a response from a woman than reverting back to your childhood days on the playground and figuratively shouting, “nah, nah, nah nah nah, boys are better than girls!”

· Born and bred in Torrington, CT. Even more disturbing, admits this freely.

· He’s a cheap gin connoisseur, if there can be such a thing.

· All Id and no Ego The Captain makes! According to Freud, the uncoordinated instinctual trends are the "id"; the organized realistic part of the psyche is the "ego," and the critical and moralizing function the "super-ego”. This explains a lot.

· Who a writer chooses to interview tells you a great deal about the mind of a writer. Let’s see now, The Captain has interviewed…a black bear fluent in Latin, himself, and a homicidal kitten from his dreams. So to recap. The Captain is…delusional, narcissistic, and psychotic.

· Our anti-hero is adept at sugarcoating the truth. He at various times has described himself as “imaginative,” “a creative genius,” “unorthodox,” and “a truth teller.” Here’s some truth: there’s something seriously wrong with that boy. Normal people don’t think like that.

· After elucidating endlessly on how often he embellishes and “makes shit up,” he nevertheless chooses to punctuate each and every entry by imploring his readers to “believe” his pile of BS. Well, believe this: THERE’S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THAT BOY!!” (I’d like to thank my Mom for inspiring this last mantra, having listened to her repeat it daily, unsolicited, for some 18 years.)

So Believe me, or don’t, when I say: “It’s all in the genes, Mom!!”

Yours blaming it all on my upbringing,

The Captain