Senior Entitlement

After conquering all the civilized world, Alexander the Great sat and wept, depressed that there were no barbarians left to enlighten and lamenting the fact he could not get to the moon to conquer it. This story has little to do with the topic I am tackling, but I like it and just felt like sharing it. Plus, my retelling no doubt suffers from having been interpreted by my brain, so it’s no don’t a faulty retelling. But worry not my Myrmidons, I will find a way to tie it back to my chosen theme – old people who think they are “all that and a bag of chips.” Lucky for you, I found my connection when writing the prior sentence. Like The Captain, many senior citizens demonstrate an utter and complete disregard for others, often to the point of outright and intentional discourtesy. What is it about getting old that drives some people to throw away the rules of polite society they spent decades inculcating in their offspring? Say please. Say thank you. Hold the door for others. Shower. Use deodorant. It’s like they just wake up one day old and cranky and begin cutting in front of the cutest toddlers to get to the head of the buffet line. Below is a smorgasbord of offensive behaviors you can add to all the others you’ve witnessed. So here they are: The Captain’s Edition of Senior Entitlements!

· I’m going to lead with a cliché, but a timeless one: who the f*ck gave Aunt Edna permission to place my cheek in a vice grip with her clammy yellow reptilian claw?? I have to chuckle at the image that just this instant crossed my mind; with so many spoiled brats out there today, it won’t be long before we read about some likewise entitled fat kid who goes off and hauls a haymaker at his skeletal Aunt and gets arrested for assault. I predict this. Just wait and see.

· Personal space. Seniors I am describing suddenly seem to think that my personal space is now theirs as well. Why just the other day while at the salad bar I made a quarter turn without leaving my personal space and grandma’s hairy, gooey nose was buried in my chest. Ruined my meal and my Ralph Lauren Polo!

· Their big cars are but an extension of their attitude. Where in the Driver’s Ed manual does it say that being on the lookout for other drivers before pulling out in front of traffic is optional for seniors? And I used to think that it was difficult for grandma to navigate a Lincoln Town Car between the lines of a parking space because of failing eyesight, but I’m now convinced it’s just her way of saying, “F*ck you world, I’m old and could go at any minute now so I’m gonna take up two spaces because I DON’T CARE!

· Remember when you were a naïve kid and would always sit at the same seat at the dinner table like God had somehow taken time out of his busy day fighting plagues, wars and pestilences to carve out a special place for you in the world? Well, it’s the same with seniors and slot machines. But even God won’t be able to help if you accidentally try and use Aunt Edna’s “lucky” machine. I put “lucky” in quotes because I’m not sure that taking 20 years of cumulative winnings and spending it all on tobacco is very lucky, especially when your fanny pack is an oxygen machine.

· And what about when your parents, who spent your entire childhood lecturing you incessantly on why buying you a Nintendo would fry your brain when they really just didn’t want to spend the money on you? Today they routinely ignore your protestations about buying yet another expensive, brain-frying electronic device for your own children, who in turn routinely laugh at your incessant lectures because they know Gram and Gramps will come through for them.

· A man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against fashion that we all believed Larry Bird managed to kill off decades ago. A wrinkly old man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against humanity. But a wrinkly old man donning them without wearing so much as a jock strap beneath while sitting spread eagle at the quad machine at the gym is a crime against God, I tell you!

· Seniors with canes – don’t be fooled. While some may actually have a walking impediment that warrants the possession of a cane, the sadistic entitlement lot are simply taking advantage of our sympathetic attitude; they figured out a long time ago that a sturdy wooden club is great for flogging the younger generation they bitterly loathe, especially when they realize no cop in the world is ever gonna arrest Heidi’s infirm uncle. But The Captain will give credit where credit is due, and I applaud seniors with the hidden flask canes. Nice work you old farts! But seniors need to also beware of the younger confidence men who pretend to have a debilitating disease which requires the use of a cane when they are nothing more than drug dealers who hide their product inside the canes. I once witnessed the tragedy of a senior taking a drug dealer’s cane by mistake; he pulled out the secret flask to take a swig and ended up ingesting some cocaine, which was a bit too much for his old ticker; he died within seconds, though with a big grin on his face.

· Senior Selective Memory (SSM). There are certain social activities that we are all obligated to attend: relatives’ birthday parties, baby showers, Sunday Mass, etc. But seniors with SSM tend to forget those “inconvenient” appointments, especially when they conflict with early bird specials, happy hours, or tee times. And because SSM can easily be confused with Alzheimers Disease, no one dares accuse Grandma of having SSM for fear of being wrong, so seniors are allowed to skate. Nice.

Believe The Captain when he says: Never approach an entitled senior without backup!

Yours shopping online for novelty canes,
The Captain