The Captain's Ark

There are some things that just belong together: peanut butter and fluff, cats and dogs, penicillin and gonorrhea. These are the obvious ones, but when The Captain fills his ark in anticipation of the world’s end, it will be filled with wondrous yet conundrous pairs only he can imagine (yes, “conundrous” is a made up word, here meaning a boatload of conundrums, which, for my adolescent readers, are not condoms and will not prevent pregnancy).

So which pairs get a ticket to board The Captain’s Ark to oblivion?

· A capuchin monkey and a South American Condor – breed the world’s smallest monkey with the world’s largest aviary and what do you get? Flying monkeys!! I couldn’t imagine starting a brave new world without them.

· MacKenzie Philips and Kurt Cobain; this couple has no redeeming value for any civilization. They’re on board strictly for entertainment – it’ll be fun to see how long it takes MacKenzie to detox and figure out that Kurt’s a stiff (a little insurance in case MacKenzie gets amorous and wants to breed).

· Tyra Banks and Sean Penn. Gasoline and Fire. If we survive the journey, it would be kind of fun to give these two their own island paradise, tell them to play Adam and Eve, and come back in a few hundred years to see what became of The Captain’s social experiment. Couldn’t do any worse than the originals. Then again…

· Pat Robertson and RuPaul. If the theological dialogue isn’t already interesting enough, tune in to see how Pat handles the sexual tension in the room. Eventually (I think) Pat will figure out that he can’t spread his seed with the attractive drag queen. This couple is the ultimate barometer for a new society; if they can manage to get along, there’s hope for us all. If not, I made sure to order a fleet of fully stocked Bud Light trucks to transition smoothly to the world’s end

· An Opossum and an Eagle. I guess I just feel sorry for all those blind Opossums who keep getting hit by motorized wheelchairs in the middle of the night (I’ve always suspected that marauding bands of sadistic senior wheelchair gangs chase down Opossums at night as part of some twisted AARP initiation right). An Opossum/Eagle hybrid would have excellent eyesight, no?

· Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie, and Brad Pitt. I am fully aware this is a threesome and not a couple, but I’m fairly confident we’ll have an even number by journey’s end. My money’s on Jolie sending Jenn into the abyss. But hey, anything could happen at sea. Pitt could end up the odd man out as lobster food and the new world gets Jenngelina.

· Simba and Miss Teen South Carolina. I’ve always wanted to breed a sphinx. Simba…obviously the male lion. Miss Teen South Carolina? She’s young, pretty, human, and dumb enough to do it.

· Barack Obama and Sarah Palin. OMFG.

Believe The Captain when he says: flying monkeys rule!!

Yours singing Hakuna Matata,

The Captain