The Oxymorons

“Oxymoronic” is one of my favorite words. First, it describes so much of what The Captain sees as he navigates the deep, mysterious waters of life. It is quite possible, if not entirely likely, that my phenomenological filters are fried and cracked and I am viewing the world through a broken prism, which would make everything appear contradictory and disjointed but nevertheless interesting in a twisted, colorful, kaleidoscopic sort of way. But you know all this. I also like it because within it is the word “moron.” But, to take it beyond the literary, I would be surprised if most of you did not also see the humorous irony in the juxtaposition of two opposites when walking the dog or traversing the long, nondescript aisles in your corporate prisons pretending to be lost while looking for a meeting you have no intention of attending. I invite you all to submit your own instances; I will gladly publish them if they are funny. But for now, on to The Captain’s virgin list of life’s Oxymorons!

· Gym Teacher. I never once witnessed an act of teaching in gym class, unless you consider showing the jocks how to use a dodgeball to knock down nerds like bowling pins didactic.

· Star Trek Food. For a ground breaking Science Fiction TV show with imaginative features like Warp drive and the deconstructing and reconstructing of the human molecular structure by drunk Scotsman, it is ironically inexplicable that its renditions of futuristic food look an awful lot like the Play-Doh meals I prepared as a lad.

· “Skinny” Jeans on not so skinny people. Let’s not sugar coat this. The Jeans companies had a reason for inserting this adjective. If this adjective does not describe you, then I suggest you shop in the “Loose Fitting” section.

· Reality TV. My life may be bizarre, but it’s certainly not scripted or edited. In real life, we don’t get a chance to read the script ahead of time or edit our “film” after behaving badly. I wish that I had a “Reality TV” mode I could switch on just before I go out drinking.

· Project Managers. These are people who work in businesses about which they know nothing but get paid way-too-much-fucking money to boss around, nag, bother and pontificate over the people who actually know something about the business they work in and who make far-too-little fucking money. If you are a Project Manager reading this, don’t be offended. You know less but make more. So who’s smarter?? It doesn’t get more Oxymoronic than that!

· Smart Blondes. They’re out there and ironically have a distinct advantage over smart brunettes or redheads precisely because people underestimate their intelligence. The truly smart blondes act dumb because they are smart while truly dumb blondes act dumb because they are dumb. Confused? That’s exactly what the smart blondes want you to be you Oxymorons!

· My Myrmidons. In spite of my jibes and insults and incoherence and incontinence and superfluous exclamation points and unbearably long non sequitur parentheticals, you remain loyal readers. And for that Oxymoron I say THANK YOU!

Believe The Captain when he says: I’m just a plain old Moron!

Yours with sincere apologies to Project Managers (of course, you have no way of really knowing if I am sincere, unless you dare to probe the depths of my psyche – far too scary – or are sitting next to me as I type to observe my body language or facial expressions – far too creepy – so I leave it ambiguous by design while executing my hidden agenda, which is to insert a long-winded parenthetical. Mission accomplished!)

The Captain