Profession Pecking Order

There’s a pecking order among professions; we all know it. Mom reminded m…er, us every single goddamn time I tried to explain the dog ate my homework or when I once again managed to spill the purple grape juice on my homework log rendering it unreadable. Never mind that we didn’t have a dog, but stick to the messaging: study hard so you can get good grades and get into college so you can become a doctor or lawyer and make a lot of money to support madre’s financially burgeoning nicotine habit. Those two professions were at the top of the list because they draw large salaries and carry a good measure of social status as well. Then there is the next tier – professions that make good money but lack any cache whatsoever. Dentists come to mind. Insurance executives fall in here as well. Descending the ladder, we come to Insurance middle management, where The Captain toils. I ain’t rich and I ain’t poor and I certainly ain’t bragging to friends and family about what I do. Strangers have no need to even know. I’d like to say that this hierarchy is “unofficial” or all based on heresay and anecdotal evidence, except that we have a profession of social scientists who feel the need to conduct formal studies and pick on other professions because the rest of the world sees absolutely no need for a profession that likes to scientifically prove that we are nothing more than glorified gorillas. Yet, as I read the scientific literature, I can’t help but wonder if bias has crept into the methodology. Being a crusader for all sucky professions, I take umbrage with findings that are clearly myths created by social scientists who can’t get a date. So with the same discipline and rigor I applied to my homework, I submit to you my professional readers The Captain’s social examination of professions. My methodology relies on my gut and an ample supply of gin and limes. Suck on that you Sociologists!

· Doctors are better than lawyers. Let’s examine this one. Both screw us all out of a lot of money. Yes, lawyers screw their clients, but only figuratively. Doctor’s stick their arms up your rectum all the way up to their elbows. Which method do you prefer?

· Claims Adjusters are at the bottom of the popularity chain along with Dentists. Having been a Claims Adjuster, I readily acknowledge that I didn’t make a ton of friends; however, I never poked around the inside of anyone’s mouth with a sharp metal object (or if I ever engaged in such behavior it was always outside of the workplace and purely consensual and involved copious amounts of booze). To prove my point, the suicide rate among dentists is significantly higher than the rate for Claims Adjusters, who are more likely to be killed as the result of their own acts or omissions of liquor liability as opposed to the intentional act of bludgeoning oneself with a pair of dental forceps. Besides, have you ever gone to the mirror and taken a close look at the inside of your mouth? It’s no wonder those poor bastards take their own lives!

· Strippers are an interesting case. Most of us have been conditioned to assume that this “profession” is morally tainted and exploits young women. But it’s common knowledge that the vast majority of strippers are paying their way through graduate school by exploiting the weaknesses of their male clientele (ask any guy about this – I think these clubs recruit Marine Biology Majors). If I could get paid good money by simply using my God-given physical gifts, I most certainly would. Unfortunately, there is no market for someone who can wiggle their ears and nostrils at the same time. I blame God.

· School Teachers make steady money and enjoy the benefits of working in a profession that is romanticized and lauded. The only problem is, for every Mr. Holland there is a Mr. Glynn, who flunked out of Harvard because he was an uncontrollable lush and got stuck teaching English to a bunch of hooligans from West Torrington whose bitterness was exceeded only by his addiction. To be fair, he’d always buy for us at cost, so we liked him. But I do feel the need to expose some outrageous hypocrisy. Be honest. When a 14 year old male student has sex with a hot twenty-something female teacher, he is not a rape victim. He’s a freakin’ Hero!! The only reason he’s punished is because the Principal is pissed because his own romantic overtures were rebuffed by said teacher. The Captain is a truth teller.

· Blog Writers. The Captain does not make a living with his blog; but he has read many a blog that became famous and brought fame and fortune to its author. I guess I just don’t get it. I write about things that make me laugh. I tried cooking my way through a Julia Child cookbook so I could write about it and get discovered and have someone make a chickflick about it; unfortunately, I ran afoul of both the state Health Department and Animal Control division. How was I supposed to know that the snow white goose wasn’t wild but my neighbor’s daughter’s pet or that I needed a permit to slaughter it in public because it be carrying diseases?? I still insist it would have made a great movie but my probation officer tells me that any profits from books or movies about the commission of a crime would go straight to the victim, my neighbor. I’m toying with building a nuclear bomb using instructions I found by asking Jeeves so I can blog about it. Thoughts?

· Milk Man. No profession, not even Rock Star, has sex with as many beautiful women as this one. Got Milk Ma’am???

Believe The Captain when he asks: Got any spare plutonium?

Yours getting out the Duct tape,

The Captain