Battle of the Swim Bitch Moms

We’ve all heard the stories about the rivalries between Hockey Moms, and how from time to time, the spectator competition mimics the on ice festivities and bitch slapping and high sticking and low hissing and skin scratching ensues. It is, as the NHL will secretly admit, part of the show. But riding the bus this morning, The Captain had ringside seats to a subtle but equally nasty confrontation between “Swim Moms.” Rather than give a straightforward description of the action (when is The Captain ever straightforward?), I will recreate the literal dialogue and interpret the dramatic conflagration hidden just beneath the surface of this icy episode (fire and ice! Yes, this is another one of those pretentiously cryptic expressions I’m so fond of writing; but I never know if anyone gets them or if it’s just me taking bizarre, incomprehensible and desperate stabs at cleverness – don’t answer, that’s a rhetorical question – so I am going to be explicit. A conflagration is a destructive fire or a conflict, so placing this word in the same sentence with the adjective “icy” creates the “fire and ice” referenced above. This is an 88 word parenthetical, by the way!) So now I skate mercifully on to the task at hand: the Battle of the Swim Bitch Moms!

Swim Bitch Mom # 1 (SBM1 for short)
Swim Bitch Mom # 2 (SBM2 for short)
The Captain’s commentary in Red

SBM1: So how did your daughter’s team do at the weekend tournament? Our team won nearly all of the events. I think only Farmington beat us. In other words, “We kicked fuckin’ ass. Yeah we’re good!”

SBM2: Oh, we actually beat Farmington. Meaning “I’ll bring you down to earth you self-important bitch.”

SBM1: (With a look of incredulity on her face) Really? I didn’t see that in the tournament results they published online. “Right back at you, you lying blowfish.”

SBM2: (A nearly imperceptible glare passes over her face) So is Carly going to the swim camp again this summer? My daughter isn’t sure she can make either week; she may not be back from Europe. We may have to hire a private instructor again. “Stick that up your pauper ass!”

SBM1: It’s more than two weeks, I’m pretty sure. She ought to be able to find a time slot that works. Or put another way: “You don’t even know what the f*ck you’re talking about; I know it’s more than two weeks. I bet you’re making it up about Europe you lying sack of shit.”

SBM2: (Obvious glare accentuated by pregnant pause) Oh, that’s good news. Then she can go for two weeks in the weekend program. I know it costs more but Sherry thinks it gives her a competitive advantage. (Already knowing the answer to her question) Did Carly do the weekend program last year? Translation: “You guys don’t have the money, do you? Too bad, ‘cause Carly’s fat little ass can use the extra work.”

SBM1: She decided not to do it last summer; she wanted to spend time with her friends. She spends the rest of the year swimming. She won quite a few medals this year, so she thought she should take a break and recharge her batteries. In other words: “Your daughter has little swimming talent and no friends, which is not surprising with a raging bitch for a mother.

SBM2: And her coach is OK with that? Sherry’s coach makes it mandatory. Meaning “You lack the necessary commitment to be a true Swim Mom. I don’t really care that my daughter stinks and cries herself to sleep at night because she is afraid of the water; I’ll do what I need to do as a parent to guarantee her a spot on the team, including hosting parties you can only dream of affording.”

SBM1: No, our coach decided to give the girls a break since we won the championship. To paraphrase: “Your daughter still sucks.”

SBM2: Oh well. I have to return all of those new high-tech full body swim suits I bought for Sherry’s team; apparently, because other teams can’t afford to buy them, we aren’t allowed to use them – (laughing bitterly) they said it gives us an unfair competitive advantage. Meaning “I’m still rich and you’re not.”

SBM1: Oh, didn’t they cause some controversy at the last Olympics? But I suppose talent will still win out. Did the suit really help Sherry with her times? Which is something like “Those things are for talentless cheaters. And no suit is gonna change the fact that your daughter swims like an arthritic guppy missing a fin.”

SBM2: (Glaring) Gotta take this call. Or “This conversation is so over.”

Believe The Captain when he says: Stay out of the pool!!

Yours putting on my life jacket, or is that a flak jacket?

The Captain