Petting the Bumblebee

You may have heard of the Butterfly Effect. I have. Admittedly, I thought it was a sarcastic dig at Ashton Kutcher’s acting abilities, or lack thereof. I was half right. There was a movie by that name that starred Kutcher and he did not disappoint as he sucked in it (to his credit, he still managed to look pretty according to some female coworkers). Turns out the movie was based on some far out chaos theory or some such junk science. Still junk, either way you look at it.

So when 12 year old SOTC (Son of The Captain) told me this week that you can pet a Bumblebee, I naturally thought of Kutcher in one of those camera commercials heavy petting a giant black and green bumble bee supermodel. Though this may not truly qualify as a natural thing to think, it is at least a believable reaction given the author. But SOTC insisted that this was not a ruse and that he has in fact himself petted a Bumblebee. His explanation was that Bumblebees are very secure as insects go due to their sturdy, rotund build – the tank of bees he called them. If one were to make a Pixar film, I could definitely imagine a Bumblebee character with tank like qualities; then again, I can imagine myself as President of the United States. Plus, he is my son and a ginger to boot, so he is a questionable character.

I’d like to say that this statement from SOTC was atypical; however, he has baited me in the past to do things for his amusement. I’ll let you be the judge.

• Talking to a Chia Pet will make its hair grow faster. SOTC mentioned something about human carbon dioxide emissions being good for plants and pointed out that my personal emissions levels were off the charts. Four hours of dialogue later, there was no discernible hair growth. SOTC claimed he saw some and encouraged me to continue, but I didn’t want to get blamed for global warming so I stopped; plus, I had to pee something fierce. I did learn one thing, though. Sterling (that was Chia Pet’s Christian name) was a better conversationalist than I’d anticipated, so we agreed to meet regularly to debate the finer points of English Romantic poetry (I’m a Keats man while Sterling fancied Wordsworth) and Hair Club for Men. By the time Christmas rolled around, Sterling did have a little more hair whilst I had a tad less.

• You can make tea from Catnip. IT’S TRUE, IT’S TRUE, YES, YES, YES, IT’S TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Catnip is now a staple of my diet and the special secret ingredient in my killer brownie recipe! Thanks SOTC!

• Squirrels like it when you pet them under their chin. Never was able to test this, however, as exhaustion set in after 6 hours futilely chasing the blessed things around the woods in back of my house. SOTC sat comfortably in a lawn chair in the back yard sipping Catnip tea so he could “monitor” my progress.

• Old people who have a problem with flatulence really appreciate it when you point it out to them. They don’t. Especially not the old ladies.

• Children whose Dads buy them the remote control Parrot.AR.Drone Quadricopter will develop healthy, happy, lifelong relationships with their Dads. The jury is still out on this. Haven’t seen SOTC since I shelled out the $300 and bought him the damn thing.

Believe The Captain when he says: Old lady farts are lethal.

Yours waiting for Spring and my first glimpse of a Bee Tank,

The Captain