In medias res, “in the middle of things,” a Latin term for a literary device whereby the author begins his work in the middle of the story he is telling. Having told many a story about the trials and tribulations of controlling adolescents legally in your care, I decided I would start in the middle this time, because when it comes to teenagers, the beginning is always painful and the ending a shocking surprise, which I will not give away here. Is my pretentious application of this obscure literary device misguided and irrelevant?? You betcha. But I can’t resist tossing bouquets of Latin into my blogs because I can…plus, dear mother still wonders out loud at family gatherings why she spent so much of her hard earned money on my hoity toity liberal arts education so I could graduate with a useless degree like English Literature. Duh. So I could bedazzle the world with my Latin allusions!
So after years of writing about behavior management tools such as eviction and handguns, I am ready to share an incredible scientific discovery which has been hiding in plain sight all these centuries. Teenagers have the power to render their parents actually invisible. I’m not kidding. After months of methodical study, I have identified the scientific laws which govern this remarkable phenomenon. So before I lose sight of what I’m trying communicate, or pass out, here it is: The Captains Totally Suweet Scientific Treatise on the Nature of Teenage Witchcraft or How My Teen Makes Me Invisible.
- Certain conditions must be met in the environment for invisibility to occur. The biological parent must be alone in the same room as the teen. It can also work if both biological parents are present; introducing a step parent or still another one of Mom’s abusive boyfriends will render invisibility impossible. Skeptical? Perform the following experiment. Enter a room with your teen and ask about grades. Nothing. Ask what time they will be home tonight. Still nothing. Time to introduce irrefutable evidence. Fart loudly and clearly and tell me that you are not truly invisible when your teen briefly looks up, sniffs, has a look of confusion which rapidly transitions to disgust, and then continues to text more drivel to his or her friends as if you are not there.
- Once the state of parental invisibility is reached, there are only two known conditions which can cause an interruption:
- The teen needs you to chauffeur him or her somewhere;
- The teen has a cash flow problem.
Introduce either scenario individually or in combination, which is quite common, and the cloak of invisibility is instantly lifted and the parent is locked in the frightening tractor beam stare of a teenager who needs a lift and some cash and no means to acquire either without Mom or Dad.
Much of the skepticism within the scientific community about this topic is the result of common teenage behavior whenever teens and parents are observed together in public. But for the presence of Mom or Dad, the average observer would necessarily conclude that the teen is walking alone, that the parents are invisible to the teen. But the trained observer, upon closer inspection, will see the teens gritted teeth and hear the mumbled instruction, “too close, drop back ten feet please” and notice the ever so slight decrease in the pace of the parent’s gait. Social, not optical, invisibility.
Truly miracles are still performed today, but in the unlikeliest of places!
Believe The Captain when he says: Taking your teen with you to Vegas does not make you invisible, scientifically or legally.
Yours Potens in Adversum,
The Captainicus
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