The Roof Monkey

This is my idea, so no one steal it. Since most of the time people treat the sewage that spills from my brain as if it’s radioactive, this declaration would not normally be necessary. But in this case, my idea is so freakin’ good that I want to patent it – only I don’t yet have the slightest idea how! Until then, hands off!

I am not ashamed to admit that the concept was borrowed from an invention called the Roof Robot, a mechanical device spawned by Insurance companies to handle roof damage claims. The robot climbs onto roofs and takes measurements and photos to assess the damage on pitches far too dangerous for the average, overweight claims adjuster. Well, the thing breaks down a lot and is expensive to build and repair, so the Roof Robot has yet to catch on.

While discussing the merits of such a machine with coworkers one day, I had my Eureka moment – the Roof Monkey! Same basic idea as the robot, only cheaper and more versatile. I am talking a cute little monkey similar to the Organ Grinder monkey or Rally Monkey (I hear he’s been layed off and is available but a bit of a Prima Dona). Absolutely no chimps, because Focus Group studies seem to indicate that creatures known to maul human beings could frighten the customers. But think of it. Monkeys are already being used as home companions for Quadriplegics; so climbing on a few roofs and taking a few measurements and photos should be a piece of cake – or should I say banana – for the Roof Monkey. And you can do all this for peanuts – literally! I understand that the countries where these little suckers come from are dirt poor and chock full of poachers with hungry children, so they should come cheap. I’m also told they potty train well and can be a blast at parties or when you are out drinking with friends or strangers. Plus, they’re Babe magnets! Puppies are cuddly and adorable, I’ll give you that. But can a puppy dance and pick pockets? Can a puppy install a hidden camera? Can a puppy make a Martini to order? Can a puppy, on queue, amble up to an attractive woman at the bar and flash the “please pet me” puppy dog eyes and wait there obediently until you show up with a complimentary drink??!! I think not!

Now I’m not saying that there won’t be pitfalls. Primates, in general, can’t always be trusted. But I’m guessing the pros outweigh the cons. But just to be sure, The Captain has drawn up Pro and Con lists to help make my decision.

Roof Monkey Pros

· Climbing is second nature to monkeys. Enormous savings potential for Insurance companies by completely eliminating the need to purchase expensive, safe ladders for their employees; factor in the reduction in Workers Compensation payout, and this is a financial boon.
· Monkeys are cute, which is not something that can be said about many Insurance Adjusters.
· Unlike those lying Homeless bastards at Highway exit ramps, monkeys really will work for food. Plus, a monkey’s idea of a fringe benefit is a ripe yellow banana or a good de-lousing.
· Dogs may fetch balls and sticks, but Monkeys can fetch tools, laptops, car keys, not to mention beer, ice, Doritos, and party favors.
· Roof Monkeys have prehensile tails, which can hold an extra tool or beverage. Can you say “Three fisted drinker!”?
· Monkeys can be trained to “borrow” product from Liquor stores and have an uncanny knack for eluding curious law enforcement professionals (conveniently, monkeys are not fingerprinted and thus will never show up in the FBI criminal database).
· Monkeys will always have worse breath than their owners.
· Monkeys are not fussy about who they live with. They have even been known to cohabitate with grown men who wear bright yellow cowboy suits to match their giant yellow 10 gallon hats.

Roof Monkey Cons

· Monkeys will always have worse breath than their owners.
· Some Roof Monkeys will smoke in the house and there’s little an owner can do about it because monkeys know you won’t ever be able to catch ‘em.
· Sometimes, Roof Monkeys are confused about work monkey time and play monkey time. You have to be careful about this. The last thing you want to have happen when visiting a customer’s home is have an attractive young female answer the door and have Roof Monkey pull out a wad of dollar bills and attempt to tuck them into the customer’s thong.
· Roof Monkeys stink worse than my Aunt Edna and, just like puppies and Aunt Edna, hate to bathe.
· Roof Monkeys have sharp teeth.
· Like humans, Roof Monkeys are individuals with a wide variety of personalities. Always have a psychological profile conducted on a Roof Monkey before committing to one. If not, you might wake up one day and realize you are living with the monkey version of your mother or ex-spouse.
· Monkeys are natural mimics, so you will need to train your monkey never to mimic any behavior he may have seen you exhibit at 3 AM on any given Saturday morning. It would not do to have a customer witness the Roof Monkey playing with his “tool” or fashioning a loin cloth out of the bathroom curtain.

Upon further review, the tally is a bit closer than I originally thought it might be. Nevertheless, The Captain believes that, with proper training, inviting a Roof Monkey into your home is, on balance, a worthwhile endeavor. After all, if he does something untoward to a customer or drinking colleague, you can simply flash him the secret signal to pull the sad puppy face and all will be forgiven!

Believe The Captain when he says: Wearing a bright yellow suit is suspect!

Yours researching Patent Law,

The Captain