Dreams are strange to begin with. Let’s amplify that statement by talking about The Captain’s dreams. I don’t mean utopian, fantastic, fairy tale visions of an ideal future state I can only hope to experience through drugs. No. I mean what you do when you sleep, apart from all that other stuff you do. And I don’t mean the standard dream 101 shit where you fall from a height and get a pit in your stomach and wake up just before you are splintered and splattered on jagged rocks, or one of those recurring dreams with Pamela Anderson in it which are so real you could swear you are actually awake. I’m referring to those dreams that are so bizarre and disjointed that they make The Captain’s waking state seem mundane and normal (think about that statement!). I had this dream last night, so I have to write about it this morning on the bus because: 1) I might forget the details and 2) I will confuse the dream with visions from my OCD imagination, which, by the way, requires no artificial “enhancers.”
So before I lapse into my imaginary world, here it is – What The Captain Dreamed Last Night!
The dream started as a contemporary version of that famous scene from the original King Kong movie. A dark rainy night. My dream mind pans in like an exterior camera on a woman inside her high rise apartment. I think she is standing, preoccupied by the routine task she is performing (brushing her hair? Undressing? You vote). The camera eye moves in. It’s like I’m King Kong or something. She turns around with a nervous look, sensing that someone or something is watching. I am now expecting for the camera angle to suddenly switch to inside the apartment, bracing myself for a glimpse of a giant, incredibly fake looking gorilla. But wait! The woman screams and the camera angle widens just enough see…a giant kitten on two legs…
The scene changes swiftly to a house I lived in a dozen years ago – the kitchen. Still pouring rain. I look out into the dreary night toward my next door neighbor’s house and King Kitten appears out of nowhere on the neighbors front porch, which is probably not an easy thing to do for a kitten the size of a fully grown human male. He mews and jumps, smashing straight through the front door. Through the window I can see our neighbor, a reclusive, chain smoking wisp of a woman, cowering in fear at the site of the upright kitten. There is a hiss, followed by a whir of flying fur and splattered blood.
I am suddenly distracted by my son running up from the basement, followed by two laughing, well dressed burglars carrying the ping pong paddles they chose to steal (leaving behind the PS2 – remember, this is 12 years ago – and then bolting out the side door. They head straight toward our neighbors house, presumably to steal some balls to go with the paddles. Son and I briefly debate whether or not we have a moral obligation to warn the burglars about Kitten Kong. We conclude, “F*&K No!” and simply watch as Thing 1 and Thing 2 enter the house, apparently not the least bit curious about the smashed in door. They spy our dismembered neighbor and before they can overcome their stupor, King Kitten does what’s expected and mauls them both on the spot.
King Kitten, with a full tummy and blood matted fur, retires to the front porch. Son and me watch him stand contentedly licking his paws clean and then, true to his feline pedigree, sits down and sets to work on his balls. Cats will be cats! Son and me marvel at the meticulous manner in which KK grooms himself (I ask you. Who else writes a sentence like this?!!)
Suddenly, the hair on Kitty Kong’s back stands on end and his ears begin to twitch. Something has him scared. He stood up and bolted straight for our house! A dark shadow was chasing him. Son and me hugged each other goodbye. Our time had surely come. KK gamboled straight in through the side door (apparently the front paws of felines that haunt my dreams have developed the fine motor skills needed to open doors). Before we had time to piss our pants a second giant, mature female Cat followed KK through the kitchen and down into the basement! Not wanting to press our luck, we ran out the door and hid behind the bushes on the side of the house.
For some strange reason, even though only several dream minutes had passed, it was now daylight. Overcast, but the rain had stopped. Oh, and half our neighborhood had decided to gather there as well, theorizing about the strange and dangerous turn of events. The apocalypse perhaps, only no one could recall any mention of giant cats in the Book of Revelation. Maybe government experiments gone bad. LSD, suggested another. This seemed to have some promise in my opinion, but before I could make my case, the side door was violently kicked open and the Mature female was carrying Kitty Kong in her jaws by the scruff of his neck. She marched straight past us, looking pretty pissed and disappeared into the woods with Kitty Kong, immobile in her vice grip and looking nothing like the dangerous panther from earlier in the dream, in tow.
Now there is bright sunlight and laughter as one of the neighbors explains that Kitty Kong was nothing more than a giant, upright unruly kitten who needed to be disciplined by Mommy Cat, who took care of that – the neighborhood was now safe again. Of course, this made no sense whatsoever, but, heck, I was dreaming so I bought it. It’s interesting how the shades of light and the weather represented the primitive emotions I was experiencing. OK. I made that up. But the way we figured it, KK had taken care of a couple of knucklehead burglars for us. And since nobody really cared for my next door neighbor, no tears were shed.
For some inexplicable reason, the entire neighborhood decides to take a walk together in my backyard, which has expanded magically into lush green meadows being overrun by the floodwaters from the earlier rain. I have to admit that somewhere deep in my subconscious I was afraid I might wet the bed with all this freakin water! I think this is the reason I decided to head back home with son. And when we arrived at our side door, who did we find waiting for us?? Mommy Cat and Kitty Kong, only this time they were cute, cuddly normal sized pussies. I scooped up Kitty Kong and held him in my arms. I had captured King Kong – and he was purring!!!
Believe The Captain when he says: Cats are master groomers!
Yours petting the pussy…cat,
The Captain
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