Nonverbal Communication

My very first class in college was Communication 101. Like the vast majority of my classes, I retained very little of what was taught (chew on that oxymoron – if I can’t remember what I learned, how can I possibly know what I forgot?). But I do remember one thing, and it changed the course of my life forever: 75% of all human communication is nonverbal (note to all you anal avengers – I just made up that percentage because I can’t really remember what I was taught, so don’t bother fact checking because facts mean little to The Captain). Truth be told, I heard the same thing my senior year in high school, so I immediately switched my major to English. I knew straightaway that a Communications Major, though considered a BA, was really just BS (I have a doctorate in that). The shock waves from this explosive decision are still reverberating to this day, in the very words on this page – once an English Major always an English Major!!

Nevertheless (a word like this betrays my degree, don’t you think?), as simple and frickin’ obvious as the aforementioned aphorism may be, it does facilitate some pretty fun people watching. Observe the nonverbal language of a few humans for a while and you’ll see what I mean. Now I’ve heard it said that the beach is a great place for people watching, but I can’t say I’ve personally found this to be accurate; when there, The Captain tends to disregard humans who don’t fall into the “female and young but legal” category. Church, on the other hand, is a delicious smorgasbord of unspoken communication. A few examples to support my theory:

• The chubby prepubescent boy scratching his butt crack on his way to receive the holy bread (an irreverent pun) screams, “My flabby ass is itchy!”
• The rapt expression of the attractive, svelte, middle-aged widow in the front row whispers, “I’d like to get that dreamy young friar alone in the sacristy.”
• The tiny stream of saliva from the corner of the priest’s mouth as he takes the wine from the cherubic alter boy is a billboard with “LAWSUIT” written all over it.
• Teenage girl forced to attend church by her Holy Roller parents, gets stuck sitting next to the homeless guy who hasn’t bathed in forever. Her contorted facial expression represents the inner conflict between her suicidal and homicidal thoughts: “Either way, someone’s gonna die.”
• Cute little toddler boy four pews ahead of cute little toddler girl. Boy catches Girl’s eye. Girl smiles = “I think you’re cute.” Boy smiles and ducks behind pew = “I’m gonna play with your feelings.” Girl also ducks behind pew = “You men are all such amateurs.” Boy jumps up from behind pew with big smile = “Get a load of me, bitch!” Girl, anticipating the Boy’s maneuver, stays hidden behind the pew = “I think I’ll make him squirm in his diaper a bit.” Boy loses smile = “Why are women always late?!” Girl jumps up with big smile = “I bet your diaper’s wet.” Boy laughs = “They always come back for more.” Girl grabs female doll and waves it at the Boy and laughs = “This doll’s got more brains than you!” Boy, feeling as though his masculinity has been challenged, grabs his metallic toy fighter jet and waves it at the girl with fanfare and cute little jet noises = “I’m gone launch a heat seeking love missile straight at your heart.” Girl laughs and tosses doll aside = “This is child’s play.” Boy, in an uncontrolled burst of testosterone, sends the jet flying straight into the back of the shiny bald head of the old man sitting in front of him and draws blood = “Oh yeah, watch what I can do…oh, f*&K, my fine motor skills aren’t fully developed!” Girl grins and ducks down into her mother’s lap = “Works every time.” Boy sheepishly smiles with puppy dog eyes at the angry old man = “I just wanted to play with you – you remind me of my favorite dead grandpa.” Girl laughs = “What a Momma’s Boy!”

There’s no way I can top that last bullet point, so I think I’ll just do some nonverbal communicating to put an exclamation point on this post. You can’t see me communicating but rest assured, it’s freakin’ hilarious!!

So believe The Captain when he says: I do so have more brains than that doll!

Yours nonverbally (you wish!),

The Captain