Politics and Religion

Sex, drugs, and Rock & Roll are The Captain’s old standbys; whenever I can’t think of something to write about, I just go to a prostitute, drop some acid, and listen to Led Zeppelin. Just kidding. I can’t afford the first two and I only have Led Zeppelin on vinyl, which is badly scratched anyway, the byproduct of my adolescent “dark” period, which is a melodramatic way of saying I thought it would be cool to lock myself in my room, turn off the lights and play my rock & roll records. Even in the best of circumstances, it’s not easy to accurately land a phonograph needle on a black disk. Try doing it in the dark after 2 sixes of Genesee Cream Ale! But today is Primary Tuesday, when corrupt egomaniacs vie for the right to represent the Elephant or Ass in this November’s elections, so I am inspired to wade into this dangerous topic that Grandma told me never to discuss in polite company. But with no such company anywhere near me and the fact that Grandma was a rude and demented old bat, I have decided to try my hand at political punditry; but even the political seas aren’t dangerous enough for The Captain. I will not only cross the line, but will deface it with graffiti by writing about Politics and Religion in the same blog – nay, the same sentence! Here goes nothin’.

Shocking Political Behavior and Scandalous Secrets

· Brace yourselves: Barack Obama is half white.

· Stealing political signs is hardly news; whether you’re a drunken teenager or a political rival, pinching lawn signs in the wee hours of the morning is to be expected from time to time. However, the campaign manager for a candidate for Attorney General in waspish Connecticut has taken this tomfoolery to new heights. In broad daylight on the day before the Primary, he placed signs on a private citizen’s lawn on the busiest road in town - without the owner's permission. Later, still illuminated by the midday sun, he drove by the property and saw an elderly female removing his signs and went apeshit. He pulled over, rushed up to the old lady and violently ripped the signs from her arms, allegedly striking her in the process, all the while failing to notice the opponent’s campaign worker who witnessed the entire confrontation. The police were called, and despite his begging pleas to the contrary, the old lady pressed charges, bolstered by the witness statement of the opponent’s campaigner. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on political campaign strategy, but I see several flaws in this guy’s approach. First and most importantly, he was sober. Second…well, let’s just say that criminal mischief is best managed after dark. And finally, always check for witnesses! What a tool.

· Brace yourself some more: sometimes, politicians tell fibs. Some of these fibs even approach the Captainesque in their creativity and outlandishness. There have been politicians who have questioned the validity of the citizenship of the President of the United States of America (the black half, at least), claiming he is an Islamic alien extremist from Mars who is stealing Kindles from the wealthy and redistributing them to homeless Martian children without health care, whose appearance on earth heralds the imminent approach of Armageddon or, at the very least, the return of Elvis, who some had accused of dancing like a black person. It’s true.

· Sad news: You know that Tea Party that was the inspiration for the numerous political groups that have recently adopted the name? Well, it wasn’t really a party after all. Even though Sam Adams played a role in the original event, he didn’t even bring any of his beer! Not a single ounce of booze was consumed. In fact, they didn’t even drink any tea. Again, I’m no Tucker Carlson, but I do know a thing or two about parties and that was no freakin’ party!! (Let me take this opportune moment to put in a shameless plug for my party, the Keg Party – read about it in my Prior Post).

Shocking Religious Behavior: Did you know that there are real religions out there that encourage sobriety for all, virginity for women, and abstinence for men?? And you wonder why fewer and fewer people attend church!!

Believe The Captain when he says: I may occasionally fib, or steal a sign, or even be half white and half white, but I am no politician. And I certainly do NOT abstain!!

Yours throwing a party with Sam Adams and the New England Patriot Cheerleaders,

The Captain