Much to their horror, no doubt, I managed to procreate. And as I write this I stand at the threshold of another major milestone as the first born of my three legitimates is about to go off to college and significantly reduce my goddamned food bill. I admit I’m kind of excited, in a characteristically selfish sort of way. First of all, I’ll be able to afford to buy premium beer again with the money I’m not spending on the red meat needed to satiate the hunger of a 6’ 2” teenage boy. Eldest Son of The Captain (ESOTC) will matriculate at The Catholic University of America (CUA) in Washington, DC, as an avowed atheist and Conscious Homework Objector, who is someone who refuses to do homework on principal, the principal here being it gets in the way of his social life. And yes, like yours truly, CUA uses the definite article in its official name, owing to the fact it ultimately reports up to the Pope, and maybe even the Illuminati or the Free Masons, or some other satanic entity, if the rumors are to be believed.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, I am looking forward to making the road trips down to DC to visit ESOTC. It’s about time for me to have a mid-life crisis, so the timing is perfect. I can’t wait to see the faces of the kids in the freshman dorm when they see me passed out in the dorm hallway in my Pro-choice T-shirt!! Who better to be an argument for abortion than moi? I’ll drag along my kid brother and our good ol’ boy friend Ron for good measure. I can see it now – three drunk middled-aged men rolling in laughter on the lawn of the national mall. “Look Ron, it’s the Washington Monument!” “No, it’s a giant Phallus!” corrects Ron. “What’s a Phallus?” I ask. “A giant penis!” screams Ron. Uncontrollable laughter follows. Imagine this scene repeated – 12 times, and still funny every time, until the Mall Ranger rudely demands that we move on.
Plus, in case you haven’t visited an institution of higher learning lately, you are in for a surprise. When I was in college, we joked about it being like a country club. Well, today, college is a country club. Even the smallest college will have the following:
· A full service health club and swimming pool, complete with rosy cheeked coeds adorning the pool deck;
· A food court – back in the day we used to have to drive to a mall to find one of these; now you just roll out of bed or pick yourself up off the pavement and you’re there!
· A Starbucks – kids these days actually go and drink non-alcoholic beverages and socialize in places like this.
· Free cable and wireless internet (OK, it’s not free to the parents) so kids can do research on the internet or, after all of their homework is done, view websites for mature audiences; is there a more mature audience than a dorm full of young men fresh out of high school?
· National acts that come and do shows on campus, saving students thousands of dollars in cab fare and bail money.
· A beer caddy and a condom dispenser in every dorm room (just kidding).
But you get the picture. It seems I was born a few decades too soon. But there is one thing that was better in my day – lack of technology. No cell phones to take incriminating party photos and no Facebook on which to post them.
Believe The Captain when says: Road Trip!!
Yours destroying those discolored Polaroids,
The Captain
This was my beer caddy.
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