The Keg Party

There’s been a lot of buzz lately about something called the Tea Party. I’ve heard it described as a grassroots movement, a political party, or just a general attitude toward the policies of all incumbent politicians. But as far as I can tell, it’s a bunch of angry, overweight, unemployed white folks with nothing better to do with their time than attend protests so they can get on TV – who knows, maybe they actually think they’re auditioning for America’s Biggest Loser. Whatever it is, the Tea Party gets a lot more attention from the mainstream media than me. Then again, so does the local Primary School Chess Club (I hate it when 2nd graders kick my ass at chess!). While doing my internet research, I discovered that there is now a Coffee Party, which is really nothing more than a younger, thinner version of the Tea Party. I sensed a trend and have concocted a scheme to found a party which is sure to become the next darling of the mainstream media. I, The Captain, do hereby declare that I am the sole founder and beneficiary (royalties are all for me) of the Keg Party! Rather than boring my friends and family with political theories and policy debates about things none of us understands, I will champion the cause of that truly American institution, the very backbone of impolite society – the Keg Party. Now The Captain understands that, like the Tea Partiers, he must sell his movement by associating it with a famous historical event, even if that association is misguided and spurious. This was pretty easy. I chose the darkest moment in our glorious history, a time when delusion overcame reason, when the zealotry of religious fanaticism snuck up behind normalcy and nearly choked it to death. I am talking about Prohibition, a movement of angry religious nutjobs who managed to get a Constitutional Amendment passed MAKING ALCOHOL ILLEGAL FOR ALL AMERICANS!!!!!! Thank God for the forbears of the Keg Party who managed to survive this insidious attack on our freedom to get drunk and lead the charge to overturn this ill-begotten and truly evil amendment. It is to them that I dedicate this effort.

But I have been paying attention. The Tea Party has been splintered by infighting, disagreements about its nature, and lack of a clear leader. The Keg Party will have no such problems, however, because I am the one and only leader and I make all the rules. If you disagree with me I will simply close my eyes, cover my ears, and make silly noises to drown out anything you say to me. Eventually you will get frustrated, call me names I’ve heard many times before, and simply go away. Being the self-appointed leader and rule maker, I suppose I should make up a mission statement and a few rules. So here they are, The Captain’s Keg Party Mission Statement and assortment of Random Rules!

The Keg Party Mission: Our aim is to ensure that there is a frosty cold Keg of Beer in every American Garage and to bring manufacturing jobs back to America by lobbying for the construction of Beer Tap factories so that aimless youth who loiter in our garages have some money in their pockets to chip in a few bucks for Doritos.

The Random Rules

· No political discussions allowed! Anyone caught talking about Healthcare reform will be made to do a 30 second kegstand.

· Never over pump the tap. This is the one and only circumstance in the entire universe when too much head is a bad thing.

· If you fill a pitcher from the Keg, you are responsible for making sure all of it is consumed and no beer is wasted so that others can get and stay wasted.

· Never play beer pong with someone who travels with an engraved mahogany paddle.

· Keeping your shirt on is highly discouraged.

· Once a Keg is tapped, the party may not end until the bastard is killed.

· Silly beer hats and beer holsters are acceptable attire. Keeping your shirt on is highly discouraged.

· You are forbidden from napping on train tracks or on the edge of rocky precipices.

· Other stimulants may be used in conjunction with alcohol and keeping your shirt on is highly discouraged.

· A plastic beer cup is never an acceptable ash tray.

· There are no such things as beer sluts, just friendly female guests who do not have to be reminded that keeping their shirts on is highly discouraged - these girls are often so friendly that they apply this rule to any and all articles of clothing.

· Any purported Keg Partier who is caught handing out political pamphlets in my garage will be exposed as a fraud and be asked to drink or vacate the premises; authentic Keg Partiers will then take those pamphlets and make paper airplanes out of them and start throwing them at each other and no one, not even Mom, will scold anyone about putting someone’s eye out.

Believe The Captain when he says: Fuzzy Duck

Yours funneling my creative juices,

The Captain

The Positive Influence of The Keg Party on Aimless Youth