The Captain of late has been, to directly quote some of my Myrmidons, “scathing” and “brutal” in his social commentary of stupid old people and dumbass Project Managers…er, sorry, I mean our respected elders and dumbass Project Managers (OK, that will be my last Project Manager dart for at least six months). But yours truly has thick skin to complement my thick skull. Though I routinely sprinkle my creations with self-deprecating comments about my personal and professional flaws, not to mention totally bash my hometown, I have yet to devote an entire piece to critiquing The Captain, unless you count the time I interviewed myself and I came off looking shallow and unintelligent, even for me. So I am transforming into the Fox News of the Blogosphere by offering a fair and balanced look at my psychological imbalance! So, because you are all dying to get this started so you can chime in, here it comes: The Captain’s very first and quite possibly his only attempt at self-reflection!
· Our two-fingered typist unapologetically and unabashedly pecks out excessively long and grammatically challenged parenthetical sentences with no other purpose than to convey as little thought as possible in the most amount of words, which also conveniently provide his base and demeaning mind with endless opportunities to f*cking drop the F Bomb as often as possible for sophomoric yet dramatic effect – always punctuated by superfluous exc!amation points!!!!!!!!! Were I normal, I’d just write: “He writes meaningless run on sentences.”
· This Jackass fancies himself a writer with a following and has even gone so far as to give his readers a pet name – Myrmidons. Seriously, who the f*ck uses a word like “Myrmidons”?
· Is basically a lazy writer, resorting to the old standby topics that require little thought or research: sex, drugs, alcohol, and male superiority. He is often asked: “Where do you come up with this stuff?” Well, drugs cause hallucinations and alcohol, when applied generously, can release trapped memories and color the recollection of them in very interesting ways. Sex? The Captain is all for it. And in keeping with the laziness theme, there is no easier way to elicit a response from a woman than reverting back to your childhood days on the playground and figuratively shouting, “nah, nah, nah nah nah, boys are better than girls!”
· Born and bred in Torrington, CT. Even more disturbing, admits this freely.
· He’s a cheap gin connoisseur, if there can be such a thing.
· All Id and no Ego The Captain makes! According to Freud, the uncoordinated instinctual trends are the "id"; the organized realistic part of the psyche is the "ego," and the critical and moralizing function the "super-ego”. This explains a lot.
· Who a writer chooses to interview tells you a great deal about the mind of a writer. Let’s see now, The Captain has interviewed…a black bear fluent in Latin, himself, and a homicidal kitten from his dreams. So to recap. The Captain is…delusional, narcissistic, and psychotic.
· Our anti-hero is adept at sugarcoating the truth. He at various times has described himself as “imaginative,” “a creative genius,” “unorthodox,” and “a truth teller.” Here’s some truth: there’s something seriously wrong with that boy. Normal people don’t think like that.
· After elucidating endlessly on how often he embellishes and “makes shit up,” he nevertheless chooses to punctuate each and every entry by imploring his readers to “believe” his pile of BS. Well, believe this: THERE’S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THAT BOY!!” (I’d like to thank my Mom for inspiring this last mantra, having listened to her repeat it daily, unsolicited, for some 18 years.)
So Believe me, or don’t, when I say: “It’s all in the genes, Mom!!”
Yours blaming it all on my upbringing,
The Captain
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
If Parakeets Could Talk
I was having a reflective father and son talk recently with my youngest legitimate, an eleven year old ginger with a mischievous grin and a Captainesque imagination. He is responsible for taking care of a pet parakeet and was wondering what all the funny bird sounds really meant. He questioned the accuracy of our interpretation of said sounds. Was Seamus (the budgie) thanking him for giving him food or critiquing it? Below are some examples of possible human/bird miscommunication identified by father and son.
· When Seamus clicks quietly like a metronome, he could be saying:
§ “I am content; my food trough is filled with healthy seeds and my water bowl with fresh, crystal clear water.” OR…
§ “That’s the sound of a ticking time bomb; I’m sick of that dry garbage you feed me – I wouldn’t serve that crap to a diseased wren! And I shit in my water but lack the fine motor skills to clean it up! I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my razor sharp beak on your ear lobe and never let go!
· When he chirps melodically he is singing:
§ “My cage is my castle and in it I am happy and safe living with my human benefactors.” OR…
§ “Mother Canary, Mother Canary, do you copy? Imprisoned by giant, psychotic biped homo sapiens. Please summon the giant eagles to come and rescue me!”
· When he squawks loudly and climbs the cage walls, he is shouting:
§ “Time for some fun and exercise; come play with me!” OR…
§ “Get me the f*ck out of here!!!!!!”
· When he sits stock still and stares at me with his bright black eye, he is thinking:
§ “I gaze upon my lord and protector, my source of light and life. I am in awe.” OR…
§ “I must locate the jugular artery. I may only get one shot so I’ve got to get it right.”
· When he sits on my shoulder and poops on me, is he communicating:
§ “I am relaxed around you and even feel comfortable moving my bowels while in your company.” OR…
§ “I shit on you, human jailkeeper.”
Believe The Captain when he says: Fly away little bird!...oops, I forgot, your wings are clipped.
Yours wearing a beak-proof scarf,
The Captain
· When Seamus clicks quietly like a metronome, he could be saying:
§ “I am content; my food trough is filled with healthy seeds and my water bowl with fresh, crystal clear water.” OR…
§ “That’s the sound of a ticking time bomb; I’m sick of that dry garbage you feed me – I wouldn’t serve that crap to a diseased wren! And I shit in my water but lack the fine motor skills to clean it up! I’m just waiting for an opportunity to get my razor sharp beak on your ear lobe and never let go!
· When he chirps melodically he is singing:
§ “My cage is my castle and in it I am happy and safe living with my human benefactors.” OR…
§ “Mother Canary, Mother Canary, do you copy? Imprisoned by giant, psychotic biped homo sapiens. Please summon the giant eagles to come and rescue me!”
· When he squawks loudly and climbs the cage walls, he is shouting:
§ “Time for some fun and exercise; come play with me!” OR…
§ “Get me the f*ck out of here!!!!!!”
· When he sits stock still and stares at me with his bright black eye, he is thinking:
§ “I gaze upon my lord and protector, my source of light and life. I am in awe.” OR…
§ “I must locate the jugular artery. I may only get one shot so I’ve got to get it right.”
· When he sits on my shoulder and poops on me, is he communicating:
§ “I am relaxed around you and even feel comfortable moving my bowels while in your company.” OR…
§ “I shit on you, human jailkeeper.”
Believe The Captain when he says: Fly away little bird!...oops, I forgot, your wings are clipped.
Yours wearing a beak-proof scarf,
The Captain
More Jargon Juice from Myrmidon Yarbs
Captain, what is the medical term for "craw" anyway? I never quite got that during my Westerns period...
Also, creating big, complex sounding words and sentences is not solely the art of PM's. The job postings arena here at Small Cubicle Insurance Company is a great and fun read (if you're not looking for a job). Note some of the wonderful phrases used for the claim handler position (oh wait, that's "Senior Technical Specialist"... 'nuf said). Below are some of the phrases and then their meanings in normal language:
1) “Completing essential functions” (Meaning: Do your job, especially the important stuff)
2) “Strategically-appropriate contact with appropriate parties” (Meaning: Call people when you need to and don’t go to a muffler shop when you need a paint job)
3) “Actively engage” (Meaning: Don’t just sit on your butt more than you should)
4) “Direction of appropriate internal and/or external resources” (Meaning: Tell people want you need them to do)
5) “Increase the technical expertise and improve bench strength” (Meaning: Like a basketball team, a claim office needs more than 5 starters and if the bench warmers are really bad we’re gonna lose)
6) “Share accountability” (Meaning: Take others down with you)
7) “Understand, synthesize, interpret and convey, in a simplified manner, complex data and information” (Meaning: The person who wrote this FAILED!)
8) “Drive Results” (Meaning: Results has no license and may occasionally need a ride)
9) “Leads Change” (Meaning: You take the risk not upper management. Each time I lead change I getting hammered down because the higher ups hate change and anything with style)
10) “Executes Business Strategy” (Meaning: Go to upper management and tell them what you think of their business strategy. This can also be called “Execute Your Employment”)
11) “Attract Top Talent” (Meaning: Forget what HR says about sexual harassment and discrimination, employee hotties)
12) “Leading Self-Emotional Intelligence” (Meaning: I have no idea what this could possible mean)
So Captain, as you can see, the problem goes even deeper than you suggest. All the above could be replaced by “Handle claims”…
Also, creating big, complex sounding words and sentences is not solely the art of PM's. The job postings arena here at Small Cubicle Insurance Company is a great and fun read (if you're not looking for a job). Note some of the wonderful phrases used for the claim handler position (oh wait, that's "Senior Technical Specialist"... 'nuf said). Below are some of the phrases and then their meanings in normal language:
1) “Completing essential functions” (Meaning: Do your job, especially the important stuff)
2) “Strategically-appropriate contact with appropriate parties” (Meaning: Call people when you need to and don’t go to a muffler shop when you need a paint job)
3) “Actively engage” (Meaning: Don’t just sit on your butt more than you should)
4) “Direction of appropriate internal and/or external resources” (Meaning: Tell people want you need them to do)
5) “Increase the technical expertise and improve bench strength” (Meaning: Like a basketball team, a claim office needs more than 5 starters and if the bench warmers are really bad we’re gonna lose)
6) “Share accountability” (Meaning: Take others down with you)
7) “Understand, synthesize, interpret and convey, in a simplified manner, complex data and information” (Meaning: The person who wrote this FAILED!)
8) “Drive Results” (Meaning: Results has no license and may occasionally need a ride)
9) “Leads Change” (Meaning: You take the risk not upper management. Each time I lead change I getting hammered down because the higher ups hate change and anything with style)
10) “Executes Business Strategy” (Meaning: Go to upper management and tell them what you think of their business strategy. This can also be called “Execute Your Employment”)
11) “Attract Top Talent” (Meaning: Forget what HR says about sexual harassment and discrimination, employee hotties)
12) “Leading Self-Emotional Intelligence” (Meaning: I have no idea what this could possible mean)
So Captain, as you can see, the problem goes even deeper than you suggest. All the above could be replaced by “Handle claims”…
Monday, April 12, 2010
Jargon Juice
The new Kool Aid in corporate America is Jargon Juice, an invention of the trendy corporate entitlement set of Project Managers, a clever if not helpful group of “professionals” who manage to be overpaid by simply dressing up and inserting the latest in meaningless corporate slang into every conversation they have and creating pretty Pamela Anderson PowerPoint presentations, not pornographically but metaphorically speaking. In other words, pretty, littered with fake parts, and utterly lacking in substance.
Now corporate jargon is certainly nothing new, but the Project Management Cult is so frighteningly adept at inventing new words to express obvious, self-evident thoughts, that I am convinced they are on some kind of verbal steroids – Jargon Juice. When I contacted the FDA with my concerns about an unregulated steroid, the spokesperson replied: “Dear The Captain, we have run your concerns up the flagpole and our senior leadership has by divine decree established the Verbal Steroid Advisory Board to address your concerns in this space; we will leverage the combined expertise and synch up with a multi-disciplinary team of subject matter experts. We have put out a call to our functional leads to identify the right players and should have a crackerjack board of key stakeholders assembled and ready to run in 12 to 120 months. We’ll revisit your concerns at that time. Have a wonderful life!” It’s worse than I’d imagined. They have infiltrated our government!!!!
The Captain is not prone to paranoia. Embellishment, playing fast and loose with the truth, poetic license, fibbing, and creative truth telling – guilty as charged! But there is a well-hidden undercurrent of rationalism and pragmatism that ultimately drives my nonsense. But in this case, paranoia has crept in alongside my delusions and fantasies. I am beginning to think that PMs (looks a lot like PMS, which I know is a sexist comment, but somehow fitting here) are descendents of those aliens who colonized northern Africa and built the Pyramids in Egypt; but then reason prevails, as it’s obvious to anyone whose had the misfortune of working with them that PMs never really build anything. But they are good at playing PMS tricks, kinda like my sisters when I was a kid. So before I start spitting verbal steroids, here is The Captain’s list of PMS Tricks!
· Kick Off Meeting: If a “Project” being managed was a house, this would be the equivalent of the homeowner hiring a consultant to call a meeting with the GC, the rough carpenters, the trim carpenters, the plumber, the electrician, the electrician’s wife (she does his books; plus, she’s hot), the painters, the carpet installers, the hardwood layers (sorry, couldn’t resist), the roofers, the tile guy, the architect, the interior designer, and Cousin Vinnie for the sole purpose of telling them all that a house is about to be built and furnished and they are expected to perform their assigned tasks to make it all happen and then – the cherry on top of the sundae – calculating the cost of his (homeowner’s ) time to be deducted from the final invoices of the invitees, Electrician’s wife excluded.
· PowerPoint Presentations. These are the PMs version of The Sims, that video game where teenagers create a virtual but nonexistent world, which is basically what PMs do when they present Project Proposals to the Senior Leadership Team (what they call their bosses) in slick PowerPoint presentations. They have no clue about how to actually make the pretty pictures and sounds come to life, but it sure as heck looks good to the SLT and carries with it an expensive price tag, so it must be a “value package,” whatever the f*ck that is. And by the way, female PMs don’t like it when you ask them if they wanna see your value package.
· Project Reassignment. When the people who have to actually try and build the overpriced toys in the PowerPoint presentations fail miserably because of the unrealistic goals and deadlines created by the PMs and the project heads South in a hurry, PMs hurry up and get themselves “reassigned” to leverage their expertise on other high level projects, preferably in another part of the company where they are not well known. They are immune to fan shit.
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. That’s quite a trick!
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. Oops, sorry about that; this one just sticks in my craw.
· Set up recurring 3 hour meetings for all the project team members that they themselves attend sporadically but only to take attendance at the beginning and crack the whip on deadlines at the end.
· Create spreadsheets with deadlines for things like: Reference SLT 14.5 times during Kick Off meetings; buy milk; make at least 7 condescending remarks to Senior Business Analyst who questioned a deadline in front of peers; book Cruise; request feedback from Business SMEs to create illusion they have input; blame IT for missing deadlines every 45 to 60 seconds; take meeting roll call at 1, 3, and 5 minutes from time dialed in, after spending first 5 minutes gloating about vacation no one else on call can afford.
· “Accidentally” kick out phone plug when Business SMEs start asking difficult questions (OK, I do this).
Believe The Captain when he says: I have a special value package!
Yours taking screen shots of my special value package,
The Captain
Now corporate jargon is certainly nothing new, but the Project Management Cult is so frighteningly adept at inventing new words to express obvious, self-evident thoughts, that I am convinced they are on some kind of verbal steroids – Jargon Juice. When I contacted the FDA with my concerns about an unregulated steroid, the spokesperson replied: “Dear The Captain, we have run your concerns up the flagpole and our senior leadership has by divine decree established the Verbal Steroid Advisory Board to address your concerns in this space; we will leverage the combined expertise and synch up with a multi-disciplinary team of subject matter experts. We have put out a call to our functional leads to identify the right players and should have a crackerjack board of key stakeholders assembled and ready to run in 12 to 120 months. We’ll revisit your concerns at that time. Have a wonderful life!” It’s worse than I’d imagined. They have infiltrated our government!!!!
The Captain is not prone to paranoia. Embellishment, playing fast and loose with the truth, poetic license, fibbing, and creative truth telling – guilty as charged! But there is a well-hidden undercurrent of rationalism and pragmatism that ultimately drives my nonsense. But in this case, paranoia has crept in alongside my delusions and fantasies. I am beginning to think that PMs (looks a lot like PMS, which I know is a sexist comment, but somehow fitting here) are descendents of those aliens who colonized northern Africa and built the Pyramids in Egypt; but then reason prevails, as it’s obvious to anyone whose had the misfortune of working with them that PMs never really build anything. But they are good at playing PMS tricks, kinda like my sisters when I was a kid. So before I start spitting verbal steroids, here is The Captain’s list of PMS Tricks!
· Kick Off Meeting: If a “Project” being managed was a house, this would be the equivalent of the homeowner hiring a consultant to call a meeting with the GC, the rough carpenters, the trim carpenters, the plumber, the electrician, the electrician’s wife (she does his books; plus, she’s hot), the painters, the carpet installers, the hardwood layers (sorry, couldn’t resist), the roofers, the tile guy, the architect, the interior designer, and Cousin Vinnie for the sole purpose of telling them all that a house is about to be built and furnished and they are expected to perform their assigned tasks to make it all happen and then – the cherry on top of the sundae – calculating the cost of his (homeowner’s ) time to be deducted from the final invoices of the invitees, Electrician’s wife excluded.
· PowerPoint Presentations. These are the PMs version of The Sims, that video game where teenagers create a virtual but nonexistent world, which is basically what PMs do when they present Project Proposals to the Senior Leadership Team (what they call their bosses) in slick PowerPoint presentations. They have no clue about how to actually make the pretty pictures and sounds come to life, but it sure as heck looks good to the SLT and carries with it an expensive price tag, so it must be a “value package,” whatever the f*ck that is. And by the way, female PMs don’t like it when you ask them if they wanna see your value package.
· Project Reassignment. When the people who have to actually try and build the overpriced toys in the PowerPoint presentations fail miserably because of the unrealistic goals and deadlines created by the PMs and the project heads South in a hurry, PMs hurry up and get themselves “reassigned” to leverage their expertise on other high level projects, preferably in another part of the company where they are not well known. They are immune to fan shit.
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. That’s quite a trick!
· Get paid good money to manage projects in businesses about which they know nothing. Oops, sorry about that; this one just sticks in my craw.
· Set up recurring 3 hour meetings for all the project team members that they themselves attend sporadically but only to take attendance at the beginning and crack the whip on deadlines at the end.
· Create spreadsheets with deadlines for things like: Reference SLT 14.5 times during Kick Off meetings; buy milk; make at least 7 condescending remarks to Senior Business Analyst who questioned a deadline in front of peers; book Cruise; request feedback from Business SMEs to create illusion they have input; blame IT for missing deadlines every 45 to 60 seconds; take meeting roll call at 1, 3, and 5 minutes from time dialed in, after spending first 5 minutes gloating about vacation no one else on call can afford.
· “Accidentally” kick out phone plug when Business SMEs start asking difficult questions (OK, I do this).
Believe The Captain when he says: I have a special value package!
Yours taking screen shots of my special value package,
The Captain
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Senior Entitlement
After conquering all the civilized world, Alexander the Great sat and wept, depressed that there were no barbarians left to enlighten and lamenting the fact he could not get to the moon to conquer it. This story has little to do with the topic I am tackling, but I like it and just felt like sharing it. Plus, my retelling no doubt suffers from having been interpreted by my brain, so it’s no don’t a faulty retelling. But worry not my Myrmidons, I will find a way to tie it back to my chosen theme – old people who think they are “all that and a bag of chips.” Lucky for you, I found my connection when writing the prior sentence. Like The Captain, many senior citizens demonstrate an utter and complete disregard for others, often to the point of outright and intentional discourtesy. What is it about getting old that drives some people to throw away the rules of polite society they spent decades inculcating in their offspring? Say please. Say thank you. Hold the door for others. Shower. Use deodorant. It’s like they just wake up one day old and cranky and begin cutting in front of the cutest toddlers to get to the head of the buffet line. Below is a smorgasbord of offensive behaviors you can add to all the others you’ve witnessed. So here they are: The Captain’s Edition of Senior Entitlements!
· I’m going to lead with a cliché, but a timeless one: who the f*ck gave Aunt Edna permission to place my cheek in a vice grip with her clammy yellow reptilian claw?? I have to chuckle at the image that just this instant crossed my mind; with so many spoiled brats out there today, it won’t be long before we read about some likewise entitled fat kid who goes off and hauls a haymaker at his skeletal Aunt and gets arrested for assault. I predict this. Just wait and see.
· Personal space. Seniors I am describing suddenly seem to think that my personal space is now theirs as well. Why just the other day while at the salad bar I made a quarter turn without leaving my personal space and grandma’s hairy, gooey nose was buried in my chest. Ruined my meal and my Ralph Lauren Polo!
· Their big cars are but an extension of their attitude. Where in the Driver’s Ed manual does it say that being on the lookout for other drivers before pulling out in front of traffic is optional for seniors? And I used to think that it was difficult for grandma to navigate a Lincoln Town Car between the lines of a parking space because of failing eyesight, but I’m now convinced it’s just her way of saying, “F*ck you world, I’m old and could go at any minute now so I’m gonna take up two spaces because I DON’T CARE!
· Remember when you were a naïve kid and would always sit at the same seat at the dinner table like God had somehow taken time out of his busy day fighting plagues, wars and pestilences to carve out a special place for you in the world? Well, it’s the same with seniors and slot machines. But even God won’t be able to help if you accidentally try and use Aunt Edna’s “lucky” machine. I put “lucky” in quotes because I’m not sure that taking 20 years of cumulative winnings and spending it all on tobacco is very lucky, especially when your fanny pack is an oxygen machine.
· And what about when your parents, who spent your entire childhood lecturing you incessantly on why buying you a Nintendo would fry your brain when they really just didn’t want to spend the money on you? Today they routinely ignore your protestations about buying yet another expensive, brain-frying electronic device for your own children, who in turn routinely laugh at your incessant lectures because they know Gram and Gramps will come through for them.
· A man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against fashion that we all believed Larry Bird managed to kill off decades ago. A wrinkly old man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against humanity. But a wrinkly old man donning them without wearing so much as a jock strap beneath while sitting spread eagle at the quad machine at the gym is a crime against God, I tell you!
· Seniors with canes – don’t be fooled. While some may actually have a walking impediment that warrants the possession of a cane, the sadistic entitlement lot are simply taking advantage of our sympathetic attitude; they figured out a long time ago that a sturdy wooden club is great for flogging the younger generation they bitterly loathe, especially when they realize no cop in the world is ever gonna arrest Heidi’s infirm uncle. But The Captain will give credit where credit is due, and I applaud seniors with the hidden flask canes. Nice work you old farts! But seniors need to also beware of the younger confidence men who pretend to have a debilitating disease which requires the use of a cane when they are nothing more than drug dealers who hide their product inside the canes. I once witnessed the tragedy of a senior taking a drug dealer’s cane by mistake; he pulled out the secret flask to take a swig and ended up ingesting some cocaine, which was a bit too much for his old ticker; he died within seconds, though with a big grin on his face.
· Senior Selective Memory (SSM). There are certain social activities that we are all obligated to attend: relatives’ birthday parties, baby showers, Sunday Mass, etc. But seniors with SSM tend to forget those “inconvenient” appointments, especially when they conflict with early bird specials, happy hours, or tee times. And because SSM can easily be confused with Alzheimers Disease, no one dares accuse Grandma of having SSM for fear of being wrong, so seniors are allowed to skate. Nice.
Believe The Captain when he says: Never approach an entitled senior without backup!
Yours shopping online for novelty canes,
The Captain
· I’m going to lead with a cliché, but a timeless one: who the f*ck gave Aunt Edna permission to place my cheek in a vice grip with her clammy yellow reptilian claw?? I have to chuckle at the image that just this instant crossed my mind; with so many spoiled brats out there today, it won’t be long before we read about some likewise entitled fat kid who goes off and hauls a haymaker at his skeletal Aunt and gets arrested for assault. I predict this. Just wait and see.
· Personal space. Seniors I am describing suddenly seem to think that my personal space is now theirs as well. Why just the other day while at the salad bar I made a quarter turn without leaving my personal space and grandma’s hairy, gooey nose was buried in my chest. Ruined my meal and my Ralph Lauren Polo!
· Their big cars are but an extension of their attitude. Where in the Driver’s Ed manual does it say that being on the lookout for other drivers before pulling out in front of traffic is optional for seniors? And I used to think that it was difficult for grandma to navigate a Lincoln Town Car between the lines of a parking space because of failing eyesight, but I’m now convinced it’s just her way of saying, “F*ck you world, I’m old and could go at any minute now so I’m gonna take up two spaces because I DON’T CARE!
· Remember when you were a naïve kid and would always sit at the same seat at the dinner table like God had somehow taken time out of his busy day fighting plagues, wars and pestilences to carve out a special place for you in the world? Well, it’s the same with seniors and slot machines. But even God won’t be able to help if you accidentally try and use Aunt Edna’s “lucky” machine. I put “lucky” in quotes because I’m not sure that taking 20 years of cumulative winnings and spending it all on tobacco is very lucky, especially when your fanny pack is an oxygen machine.
· And what about when your parents, who spent your entire childhood lecturing you incessantly on why buying you a Nintendo would fry your brain when they really just didn’t want to spend the money on you? Today they routinely ignore your protestations about buying yet another expensive, brain-frying electronic device for your own children, who in turn routinely laugh at your incessant lectures because they know Gram and Gramps will come through for them.
· A man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against fashion that we all believed Larry Bird managed to kill off decades ago. A wrinkly old man donning short gym shorts in public is a crime against humanity. But a wrinkly old man donning them without wearing so much as a jock strap beneath while sitting spread eagle at the quad machine at the gym is a crime against God, I tell you!
· Seniors with canes – don’t be fooled. While some may actually have a walking impediment that warrants the possession of a cane, the sadistic entitlement lot are simply taking advantage of our sympathetic attitude; they figured out a long time ago that a sturdy wooden club is great for flogging the younger generation they bitterly loathe, especially when they realize no cop in the world is ever gonna arrest Heidi’s infirm uncle. But The Captain will give credit where credit is due, and I applaud seniors with the hidden flask canes. Nice work you old farts! But seniors need to also beware of the younger confidence men who pretend to have a debilitating disease which requires the use of a cane when they are nothing more than drug dealers who hide their product inside the canes. I once witnessed the tragedy of a senior taking a drug dealer’s cane by mistake; he pulled out the secret flask to take a swig and ended up ingesting some cocaine, which was a bit too much for his old ticker; he died within seconds, though with a big grin on his face.
· Senior Selective Memory (SSM). There are certain social activities that we are all obligated to attend: relatives’ birthday parties, baby showers, Sunday Mass, etc. But seniors with SSM tend to forget those “inconvenient” appointments, especially when they conflict with early bird specials, happy hours, or tee times. And because SSM can easily be confused with Alzheimers Disease, no one dares accuse Grandma of having SSM for fear of being wrong, so seniors are allowed to skate. Nice.
Believe The Captain when he says: Never approach an entitled senior without backup!
Yours shopping online for novelty canes,
The Captain
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