Irregular Product Review

I really should have used the word “sporadic” in the title, but in the context of a Product Review, “Irregular” conjures up the requisite Captainesque images: Exlax, or the effects thereof; for the menopausal set, the yogurt that the apparently starved for cash Jamie Leigh Curtis is pedaling these days; clothes with imperfections, such as crooked stitching or cigarette burns; or things that are just not quite right, like February 29^th or my head.

So here they are, in a randomly sporadic order (yes, that is redundant, but in Shakespeare’s day, the double negative was not only acceptable but considered poetic; take that you grammatically anal readers!), The Captain’s Irregular Product Review!

• The “Zombie Snack” bib for babies: An elegant, understated bib with the words “Zombie Snack” in large font across the front and an arrow pointing to the head of the bib’s occupant. A funny and practical gift for friends with a sense of humor or those marginal friends who won’t stop inviting you to their homely kid’s birthday parties. It just might be the last gift you ever give to them!

• The “Flying F*ck” remote control helicopter: Hours and hours of amusement from a common four letter word with propellers on top. This sturdy metal toy won’t fall apart the first time you crash land it in your coworker’s cube!

• The Amazing Phallic Drink Mixer (APDM): This battery operated accessory will guarantee that you serve the best Margarita in town! It fits neatly in your front pocket and other confined spaces. Guys, it’s perfect for those fishing expeditions when you run out of nightcrawlers. Stick this baby in the earth and watch those worms squirm to the surface! Gals, take her with you on those long lonely business trips. Mix a dozen or so Daiquiris, fall down drunk on your hotel bed with your hand held APDM, and let her rip!

• Screaming Slingshot Monkey: Since having a real monkey as a pet or office accessory is illegal in all 50 states, here’s the next best thing. Insert two fingers in the hidden monkey hand pockets, pull on his cute little monkey tail, take aim, and let him fly. Our flying kamikaze screams as he approaches your coworker’s unsuspecting arse!

• Caffeinated Fruity Lollipops: As a parent, are you constantly being bombarded by the annoying “Classroom Parent" for requests to provide food for unnecessary classroom celebrations (like Groundhog Day Eve) that take away from your child’s precious learning time? Well fret no more because I’ve got a solution for you! Show up at the classroom with a bag of Caffeinated Fruity Lollipops and hand ‘em out to the kids like the candy they are and watch the fun that ensues. I promise they’ll never ask you to bring in anything again!

The Captain certifies that all the items above are real and can be purchased at http://www.thinkgeek.com/ (except bullet # 3).

Believe The Captain when he says, when he says, when he says, when he says: I love, love, love my Primer Caffeinated Breath Spray from ThinkGeek.com!!!!!!

Yours mixing a Margarita,

The Captain