Invariably, after scouring (“scouring” here means throwing eggs at houses) the rich and privileged towns in Connecticut’s Northwest corner without success, we ended up finding our targets by following the toxic path of the Naugatuck River, a glowing green snake of pollutants upon which a slew of factory towns sprung up like mold on rotten bread. To the north was Winsted, home of the Raggies (our description, not theirs; but to prove our superiority I would point out that the Raggies were never able to think up any moniker for us, let alone a clever one); to the south, the ultimate loser was the armpit of western civilization, Waterbury. If you hale from Waterbury and object to my characterization, then I urge to you read on before passing judgment; or, you can stop reading right now and finish off that case of PBR sitting on your coffee table. Or better yet, you can go and learn how to read.
Lunch ladies. These iconic figures appear as frustrated, going nowhere, bitter females throughout literature and pop movie culture. I especially laugh at those who regularly appear in Dav Pilkey’s classic “Captain Underpants” series of children’s books. But like all stock literary or celluloid characters, the evil cafeteria worker is based on real life personalities that terrorize lunch rooms all across our frightened nation. Now back to our municipal armpit, and a drama in real life that took place in a Waterbury Elementary School cafeteria. The news story below is brief, so I’ll just let you read it, and then I’ll comment.
Cafeteria Aide, Teen Charged In Food Fight Ruckus
WATERBURY, Conn. - A Connecticut school cafeteria worker and a 13-year-old girl face criminal charges after police say a food fight turned into a real fight.Waterbury police say the fifth-grader at Gilmartin Elementary School threw vegetables at 55-year-old lunch aide Rosa Robles last Thursday, and Robles responded by throwing vegetables in the girl's face.Police say a fight broke out when the girl punched Robles in the face. Authorities say both suffered cut lips, and the girl also had scratches on her face.School officials say Robles is on paid leave and the girl has been suspended.Robles posted $500 bail after being charged with assault and other crimes. Police didn't release the girl's name or the charges she faces because of her age. A telephone listing for Robles could not immediately be found.
When college Frat Boy Bluto Blutarsky instigated a food fight in the cinematic classic Animal House, I laughed my drunken ass off. When I read that 55 year old lunch lady Rosa Robles got into a food fight with a 13 year female Gilmartin Elementary School student, I laughed my sober ass off. I still can’t decide if Rosa is an evil Lunch Lady. Even evil Lunch Ladies have to have some kind of brain in their heads, right?
Admit it; you’re like me and you just want to know: what kind of vegetables?? Who won the fight?? Is there video??!! I can just picture the little first grade boys wetting their pants as they wait in the lunch line behind the 13 year old 5th grade girl who might turn unexpectedly and bitch slap them with broccoli – or worse, demand sexual favors and transmit cooties - at any moment.
Captainesque non sequitur. I’ve given this a lot of thought – clearly too much thought. But if one were to plan a food fight, what food items provide a strategic advantage? Some of my characteristically random thoughts:
· Brussel Sprouts – small green spheres. Easy to conceal and are easy to throw. They carry enough weight to travel a good distance (15 to 20 yards with a good arm), yet are soft enough to explode on impact and spray disgusting green glop on the intended victim. Plus, they taste like shit, which ensures an ample supply.
· Mashed Potatoes – The food equivalent of a sawed off shotgun, these require a serving utensil to launch, and have a very limited range, so only for use in close combat; but the results can be devastating, especially with gravy. One direct hit and victory can be declared.
· Apples – these heavy fruits are only for the serious combatants, as they hurt like hell when you get smacked in the eye socket with one. If you break out the granny smiths, be prepared to duck, because the oranges and butter knives aren’t far behind.
· Prefabricated Pancakes – the rubbery texture make these food Frisbees fun and effective weapons. No one gets hurt, or even stained, and it takes a skilled thrower to hit a target, so in effect you have a dozen or so disks flying around the cafeteria at the same time. Fun!
OK, back to my commentary. I’m still chuckling to myself at the image of a grown woman and a 13 year old 5th grader tossing veggies at each other and then getting so pissed off that they actually engage in fisticuffs to the point where the police have to be called in. Imagine being the police dispatcher on duty when the 911 call came in.
Dispatcher: Hello where are you calling from and what’s your emergency?
Caller: This is Mildred. I’m calling from behind the buffet counter at Gilmartin Elementary School cafeteria. There’s a f*cking riot out there. Rosa’s gone crazy!
Dispatcher: How many people are involved? Any weapons involved?
Caller: I think it’s just Rosa and the 13 year old 5th grader. I think they’re using carrots, but it could be squash. I serve this stuff and I can’t even tell sometimes.
Dispatcher: Who is Rosa?
Caller: She’s a lunch aid.
Dispatcher: A student?
Caller: (laughter in background) No. She’s pushing 60, I think.
Dispatcher: So they’re rioting with squash?
Caller: They started with that, but now they’re throwing punches. I think they’re both bleeding. Kids are screaming and running around like crazy. You gotta send someone over hear!
Dispatcher: So Rosa is in a fistfight with a student?
Caller: Yeah, the sexually active one from 5th grade.
Dispatcher: Is this Gilmartin Elementary School?
Caller: Yes sir.
Dispatcher: (sound of sucking teeth) So let me get this straight. The old lunch lady is engaged in hand to hand combat with the sexually active 5th grader?
Caller: That’s right, sir.
You get the point. Waterbury is ridicule worthy. This doesn’t really mean that Torrington isn’t also worthy, it just gives its residents the hollow satisfaction that theirs is not the only municipal cesspool in the world.
Believe The Captain when he says: Never trust someone with a blue beehive doogun and a hairnet!
Yours stuffing sprouts in self-defense,
The Captain
Brussel Sprout Amo Belts
Timeless Literature
Where's Rosa? 
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