Sunday, February 28, 2010

Bong Hits for Boomers

The Captain is very interested in Health Care reform, especially with regard to pain management and stress reduction. I think it's high time that all Health Insurers pay for medical marijuana. Because once the Insurance behemoths sanction it, then it is just a matter of time before the government they control legalizes canabis. And since seniors love their Medicare ( a socialist program, by the way) and vote in droves, there is more than a glimmer of hope, given the incredible news story below.Thank you Myrmidon Ginta for the referral! Normally, I cannot disagree with the wisdom of the old adage: you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But apparently, if you get the old dogs baked, all bets are off! So without further ado, grab your water bongs and prepare for enlightenment! See my commentary in red.

Bong Hits for Boomers: Marijuana Smoking on Rise for Seniors

Some Baby Boomers aren't giving up smoking pot as they age. Others are coming back to it as they retire.

In her 88 years, Florence Siegel has learned how to relax: a glass of red wine; a crisp copy of The New York Times, if she can wrest it from her husband; some classical music, preferably Bach; and every night like clockwork she lifts a pipe to her lips and smokes marijuana. Well, better late than never, Florence. Her accessories are odd, but I’ll give her a pass given she’s a novice. The Red Wine is acceptable, but the frickin’ NY Times?? And no one “wrests” anything from anyone when they’re stoned. Geez, no one does much of anything when they’re stoned. And Baroque and Bones are oxymoronic (if any of you get this statement, let me know – just curious). But all is forgiven Florence – the old coot has her own pipe!

A survey by the federal government found the percentage of people 50 and older using marijuana went from 1.9 percent in 2002 to 2.9 percent in 2008. On the face of it, not a very compelling stat, until you take into consideration that the folks on the wrong side of fifty are the fastest growing segment of the population in the U.S.

The rise was most dramatic among 55- to 59-year-olds. Their reported marijuana use more than tripled from 1.6 percent in 2002 to 5.1 percent. Observers expect further increases as 78 million boomers born between 1945 and 1964 age. So, 5.1 % of 78 million is roughly 4 million boomers. If the average boomer smokes one joint a day, and, factoring in decreased lung capacity due to overall wear and tear to the human body, it takes, on average, 8 tokes to finish the doobie, that comes out to 32 million tokes a day!!! God is truly blessing America. Non sequitur – more of an apology, actually. I apologize for the overuse of the word “toke.” It’s just that it’s such a cool word and I get so few opportunities to use it, I just can’t help myself.

Among them is Perry Parks, 67, of Rockingham, N.C., a retired Army pilot who suffered crippling pain from degenerative disc disease and arthritis. He had tried all sorts of drugs, from Vioxx to epidural steroids, but found little success.

About two years ago he turned to marijuana, which he first had tried in college, and was amazed how well it worked for the pain.

"I realized I could get by without the narcotics," Parks said, referring to prescription painkillers. We’ll forgive him this gaffe. The dude was high as a Chinese Battle Kite at the State Fair. "I am essentially pain free."

For many seniors, smoking pot was something they at least tried in high school or college and doesn't have the stigma it had for those born earlier. Stigma, stigmata, stigmatism – words that have absolutely nothing to do with any point I’m trying to make, though I’ve heard that marijuana is a great help to people with Glaucoma, which has something to do with your eyes, just like stigmatism. Hmm…sounds like the trivial verbal trash exhaled by someone who’s had a few too many tokes!

But older users could be at risk for falls if they become dizzy and smoking it increases the risk of heart disease and it can cause cognitive impairment, said Dr. William Dale, chief of geriatrics and palliative medicine at the University of Chicago Medical Center. Ah, the old Risk versus Reward debate. I know which side I’m on. Every step a senior takes is one step closer to a fractured hip, which is extremely painful. They’re just gonna end up lighting up some medical marijuana anyway, so why wait for the calcium in your hip to crumble? I say fire one up today!

Dennis Day, a 61-year-old attorney in Columbus, Ohio, said when he used to get high, he wore dark glasses to disguise his red eyes, feared talking to people on the street and worried about encountering police. With age, he says, any drawbacks to the drug have disappeared. I applaud Dennis for his candor but have to chuckle at his disjointed reasoning (yes, I said “disjointed”!). He wore glasses, not because he had red eyes or feared social interaction or arrest, but because he was stoned out of his gourd.

"My eyes no longer turn red, I no longer get the munchies," Day said. "The primary drawbacks to me now are legal." Hmm…pot that doesn’t give you the munchies. Kinda like that special garlic with all the taste but none of the odor. I wonder how the manufacturer of Doritos feels about that.

Siegel bucks the trend as someone who was well into her 50s before she tried pot for the first time. She can muster only one frustration with the drug. I need to have Mom get in touch with Florence.

"I never learned how to roll a joint," she said. "It's just a big nuisance. It's much easier to fill a pipe." No, no Florence, do not apologize! You got it right the first time. It IS much easier to fill a pipe.

Believe The Captain when he says: Pipe over paper!

Yours typing and toking,

The Captain

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Comic Strip or Real Life?

As my Myrmidons know, The Captain was haphazardly plopped by the Stork somewhere on the western edge of the stereotypical yet frighteningly real factory town of Torrington, CT. The exploits of Torrington’s finest sons and daughters have been memorialized in this blog and can be found in the archives if you are a new reader and happen to be sitting on the toilet. For now, all you need to know about Torrington is that its residents demonstrate an acute need to find other towns to ridicule, probably due to the fact that it is very hard to find another municipality more worthy of ridicule. Now, I could have just said that we were insecure living in a town chock full of dumbasses, but then it wouldn’t be me.

Invariably, after scouring (“scouring” here means throwing eggs at houses) the rich and privileged towns in Connecticut’s Northwest corner without success, we ended up finding our targets by following the toxic path of the Naugatuck River, a glowing green snake of pollutants upon which a slew of factory towns sprung up like mold on rotten bread. To the north was Winsted, home of the Raggies (our description, not theirs; but to prove our superiority I would point out that the Raggies were never able to think up any moniker for us, let alone a clever one); to the south, the ultimate loser was the armpit of western civilization, Waterbury. If you hale from Waterbury and object to my characterization, then I urge to you read on before passing judgment; or, you can stop reading right now and finish off that case of PBR sitting on your coffee table. Or better yet, you can go and learn how to read.

Lunch ladies. These iconic figures appear as frustrated, going nowhere, bitter females throughout literature and pop movie culture. I especially laugh at those who regularly appear in Dav Pilkey’s classic “Captain Underpants” series of children’s books. But like all stock literary or celluloid characters, the evil cafeteria worker is based on real life personalities that terrorize lunch rooms all across our frightened nation. Now back to our municipal armpit, and a drama in real life that took place in a Waterbury Elementary School cafeteria. The news story below is brief, so I’ll just let you read it, and then I’ll comment.

Cafeteria Aide, Teen Charged In Food Fight Ruckus

WATERBURY, Conn. - A Connecticut school cafeteria worker and a 13-year-old girl face criminal charges after police say a food fight turned into a real fight.
Waterbury police say the fifth-grader at Gilmartin Elementary School threw vegetables at 55-year-old lunch aide Rosa Robles last Thursday, and Robles responded by throwing vegetables in the girl's face.Police say a fight broke out when the girl punched Robles in the face. Authorities say both suffered cut lips, and the girl also had scratches on her face.School officials say Robles is on paid leave and the girl has been suspended.Robles posted $500 bail after being charged with assault and other crimes. Police didn't release the girl's name or the charges she faces because of her age. A telephone listing for Robles could not immediately be found.

When college Frat Boy Bluto Blutarsky instigated a food fight in the cinematic classic Animal House, I laughed my drunken ass off. When I read that 55 year old lunch lady Rosa Robles got into a food fight with a 13 year female Gilmartin Elementary School student, I laughed my sober ass off. I still can’t decide if Rosa is an evil Lunch Lady. Even evil Lunch Ladies have to have some kind of brain in their heads, right?

Admit it; you’re like me and you just want to know: what kind of vegetables?? Who won the fight?? Is there video??!! I can just picture the little first grade boys wetting their pants as they wait in the lunch line behind the 13 year old 5th grade girl who might turn unexpectedly and bitch slap them with broccoli – or worse, demand sexual favors and transmit cooties - at any moment.

Captainesque non sequitur. I’ve given this a lot of thought – clearly too much thought. But if one were to plan a food fight, what food items provide a strategic advantage? Some of my characteristically random thoughts:

· Brussel Sprouts – small green spheres. Easy to conceal and are easy to throw. They carry enough weight to travel a good distance (15 to 20 yards with a good arm), yet are soft enough to explode on impact and spray disgusting green glop on the intended victim. Plus, they taste like shit, which ensures an ample supply.


· Mashed Potatoes – The food equivalent of a sawed off shotgun, these require a serving utensil to launch, and have a very limited range, so only for use in close combat; but the results can be devastating, especially with gravy. One direct hit and victory can be declared.

· Apples – these heavy fruits are only for the serious combatants, as they hurt like hell when you get smacked in the eye socket with one. If you break out the granny smiths, be prepared to duck, because the oranges and butter knives aren’t far behind.

· Prefabricated Pancakes – the rubbery texture make these food Frisbees fun and effective weapons. No one gets hurt, or even stained, and it takes a skilled thrower to hit a target, so in effect you have a dozen or so disks flying around the cafeteria at the same time. Fun!

OK, back to my commentary. I’m still chuckling to myself at the image of a grown woman and a 13 year old 5th grader tossing veggies at each other and then getting so pissed off that they actually engage in fisticuffs to the point where the police have to be called in. Imagine being the police dispatcher on duty when the 911 call came in.

Dispatcher: Hello where are you calling from and what’s your emergency?

Caller: This is Mildred. I’m calling from behind the buffet counter at Gilmartin Elementary School cafeteria. There’s a f*cking riot out there. Rosa’s gone crazy!

Dispatcher: How many people are involved? Any weapons involved?

Caller: I think it’s just Rosa and the 13 year old 5th grader. I think they’re using carrots, but it could be squash. I serve this stuff and I can’t even tell sometimes.

Dispatcher: Who is Rosa?

Caller: She’s a lunch aid.

Dispatcher: A student?

Caller: (laughter in background) No. She’s pushing 60, I think.

Dispatcher: So they’re rioting with squash?

Caller: They started with that, but now they’re throwing punches. I think they’re both bleeding. Kids are screaming and running around like crazy. You gotta send someone over hear!

Dispatcher: So Rosa is in a fistfight with a student?

Caller: Yeah, the sexually active one from 5th grade.

Dispatcher: Is this Gilmartin Elementary School?

Caller: Yes sir.

Dispatcher: (sound of sucking teeth) So let me get this straight. The old lunch lady is engaged in hand to hand combat with the sexually active 5th grader?

Caller: That’s right, sir.

You get the point. Waterbury is ridicule worthy. This doesn’t really mean that Torrington isn’t also worthy, it just gives its residents the hollow satisfaction that theirs is not the only municipal cesspool in the world.

Believe The Captain when he says: Never trust someone with a blue beehive doogun and a hairnet!

Yours stuffing sprouts in self-defense,

The Captain
Brussel Sprout Amo Belts

Timeless Literature

Where's Rosa?


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Irregular Product Review

I really should have used the word “sporadic” in the title, but in the context of a Product Review, “Irregular” conjures up the requisite Captainesque images: Exlax, or the effects thereof; for the menopausal set, the yogurt that the apparently starved for cash Jamie Leigh Curtis is pedaling these days; clothes with imperfections, such as crooked stitching or cigarette burns; or things that are just not quite right, like February 29th or my head.

So here they are, in a randomly sporadic order (yes, that is redundant, but in Shakespeare’s day, the double negative was not only acceptable but considered poetic; take that you grammatically anal readers!), The Captain’s Irregular Product Review!

  • The “Zombie Snack” bib for babies: An elegant, understated bib with the words “Zombie Snack” in large font across the front and an arrow pointing to the head of the bib’s occupant. A funny and practical gift for friends with a sense of humor or those marginal friends who won’t stop inviting you to their homely kid’s birthday parties. It just might be the last gift you ever give to them!


  • The “Flying F*ck” remote control helicopter: Hours and hours of amusement from a common four letter word with propellers on top. This sturdy metal toy won’t fall apart the first time you crash land it in your coworker’s cube!

  • The Amazing Phallic Drink Mixer (APDM): This battery operated accessory will guarantee that you serve the best Margarita in town! It fits neatly in your front pocket and other confined spaces. Guys, it’s perfect for those fishing expeditions when you run out of nightcrawlers. Stick this baby in the earth and watch those worms squirm to the surface! Gals, take her with you on those long lonely business trips. Mix a dozen or so Daiquiris, fall down drunk on your hotel bed with your hand held APDM, and let her rip!

  • Screaming Slingshot Monkey: Since having a real monkey as a pet or office accessory is illegal in all 50 states, here’s the next best thing. Insert two fingers in the hidden monkey hand pockets, pull on his cute little monkey tail, take aim, and let him fly. Our flying kamikaze screams as he approaches your coworker’s unsuspecting arse!


  • Caffeinated Fruity Lollipops: As a parent, are you constantly being bombarded by the annoying “Classroom Parent" for requests to provide food for unnecessary classroom celebrations (like Groundhog Day Eve) that take away from your child’s precious learning time? Well fret no more because I’ve got a solution for you! Show up at the classroom with a bag of Caffeinated Fruity Lollipops and hand ‘em out to the kids like the candy they are and watch the fun that ensues. I promise they’ll never ask you to bring in anything again!



The Captain certifies that all the items above are real and can be purchased at http://www.thinkgeek.com/ (except bullet # 3).

Believe The Captain when he says, when he says, when he says, when he says: I love, love, love my Primer Caffeinated Breath Spray from ThinkGeek.com!!!!!!

Yours mixing a Margarita,

The Captain


Monday, February 8, 2010

Wishing the Day Away

Wishes are a natural byproduct of imaginative introspection, which is The Captain’s waking state, minus the loud, obnoxious rants. When you spend your days wending your way through reveries and chemically tainted memories (some even based in reality), you can’t help but wish for some of your wishful thinking to become reality. Here’s what I wished for today, in no particular order:

* I wish the Flat Earthers (people who in the year 2010 still believe the earth is flat and has a physical “end of the world” over which you can careen into lord knows what) would all decide to plan a special expedition. I want them all to gather at a seaport, hire a boat with a crazy sea captain that’s large enough to accommodate them all and go sailing the ocean blue in search of the earth’s edge. And I hope they accidentally find it!

* I wish I could find the double wide in New Jersey where Elvis, Jim Morrison and Michael Jackson all currently reside so I can have my 15 minutes of fame and score some good drugs.

* I wish someone would teach me how to make a voodoo doll.

* I wish for peace on earth and goodwill to all men and women... Just kidding!!

* I wish that I understood women (not really).

* I wish that the NY Mets were world champions and that Unicorns were real!!

* I wish that someone would give me flying monkeys for my birthday. They’re like Duct tape – they can fix anything.

* I wish all M&Ms were green

Believe The Captain when he says: Volo ergo sum (Latin for “I wish, therefore I am.”

Yours throwing my spare coin slugs into the wishing well,

The Captain

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Rules to Live By

There is a crime drama on network television called NCIS, featuring the character of one Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a charismatic retired Marine whose gut instincts are legendary for never being wrong. Leroy’s agents can all quote from memory his rules for living. Rules like “Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness.” Or rule number twelve: “Never get involved with a coworker.” Gibb’s gut has a perfect record about all things with one notable exception: women. Though he can hardly be excoriated for that! Reportedly, God created woman, but I don’t think he had any idea about what he had done. Gibbs would concur, no doubt, as he has been divorced three times. Oh, and then there’s the very attractive female Agency Director. If you watch the show, you come to learn that once upon a time she and Jethro were partners in the field and broke rule number twelve together in a farmhouse in Sarajevo while on a stakeout.

The Captain has a gut, albeit a different kind, and likes the idea of creating rules to live by. So here they are! The Captain's Rules to Live By!

Rule # 1: Make no rules about women.

Rule # 2: NEVER eat airport burritos.

Rule # 3: A bottle a day keeps the doctor away!

Rule # 4: Never apologize, especially to a woman. It’s a sign that you’re wrong, which is not possible. (Look at that. I’ve already gone and broken Rule # 1).

Rule # 5: The speed limit is actually a speed suggestion.

Rule # 6: Real Americans don’t eat Tofu.

Rule # 7: NEVER hug Ronald McDonald (don’t ask).

Rule # 8: Never give your child a mercury thermometer when he’s teething (did you get that, Mom?!)

Rule # 9: Divine syllogism - God made alcohol; God is good; alcohol is good. Drink alcohol!

Rule # 11: Satanic syllogism – Satan tempted woman. Woman tempted man. Temptation is evil. Drink alcohol!

Rule # 12: Always keep your lawyer’s phone number handy, just in case you overzealously practice rules 9 and 11.

Lucky Rule # 13: The Captain’s Golden Rule – Nothing is sacred…except laughter.

Believe The Captain when he proclaims: I make the rules!

Yours looking for Rule # 10,

The Captain

Myrmidon

About Me

To quote the amazing Frank Turner: "I won't sit down. I won't shut up. And most of all, I will not grow up!" That's an apt description of me. If you disagree, please refer to the above quote.

Fire Safety Advice et al. - but mostly et al. Email your question or comment to thefloorcaptain@gmail.com