Dear The Captain

Dear The Captain:

Recently I went on vacation for two weeks and had to find someone to take care of my dog Blarney while I was away. My so-called best friend offered to come and feed him twice a day, and also agreed to bring him to the adjoining park to do his business. Blarney also likes to run around loose in the park. On one such outing while Blarney was getting his exercise my supposed friend suffered a heart attack and a good Samaritan called an ambulance. My friend was taken to the hospital. As I understand it, she maintained full consciousness during the entire trip. Don't you think she might have mentioned to somebody that there was a yellow Lab running about in the park unattended?
I am home from vacation now, and my fair weather friend is fully recovered, but Blarney is still on the loose. Is there some kind of legal action I can take against this moron who agreed to care for my pet and completely screwed up?

Missing Blarney

Dear Missing Blarney,

Good dogs are hard to find, while “friends” with heart conditions are a dime a dozen. Just a hunch, but have you checked your friend’s house for signs of Blarney? This whole story could be nothing more than a twisted but creative ploy to steal your dog. My Claims Adjuster antennae are telling me to ask for a copy of the ambulance bill. I’d love to know how your friend responds to this request. If she hems and haws, you’re on to something. If she drops dead of a heart attack, you never wrote to me.

Yours harking back to my life as a marginally trained Claims Investigator,

The Captain



Dear The Captain:

I recently had a coughing fit and was mortified when it triggered an equal but opposite reaction. What I mean is, I broke wind while coughing. It was all completely uncontrollable and caused everyone in the room to laugh hysterically at my expense. Okay, I sucked it up and got on with my life, but now I am wondering: am I the only one who has this condition? I would like to take a survey but it's rather a delicate question and probably much too personal to quiz friends and relatives as to whether they involuntarily fart while coughing, sneezing, vomiting, or lifting heavy items. And if I am the only one, is there anything I can do about it?

Signed,

Oops, pardon me

Dear Windbreaker,

You’ve got it all wrong. The fart is one of the most reliable laugh triggers ever released. I have heard stories of individuals who practice for hours on end just to be able to break wind on demand. So rest assured, your condition is not only common, but desirable. In your case, I’d recommend carrying around a turkey feather to induce a cough upon request and a pack of matches to provide a little extra dramatic “flare.” So be proud and by all means practice. If you’re friends or relatives don’t like it, you can quickly send them scrambling with a little tickle of the throat and a flick of a match!

Yours ever longwinded,

The Captain