If you haven’t heard, a young American woman by the name of Natalie Dylan is auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder to pay for college. As of this keystroke, the bidding has reached an astounding $3.7 million. My initial reaction was to auction off something of myself in hopes of fetching seven figures so I can afford to go out and buy some decent gin. After all, Natalie Dylan and I have much in common. She’s young, attractive, a virgin, and uses an alias. I use an alias and am just a handful of clumsy rolls in the hay beyond virginity. Plus, having already paid off my college loans, I figure I’m ahead of the game. However, reality, the bane of my existence, intervened in the guise of my bathroom mirror, and sex was ruled out. So what do I have to offer? I could auction off an original piece of literature with my signature wit, quirky humor and utter detachment from what is normal and decent. But then I realized that I already give it away for free on the internet. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.
But my demon compulsions are at it again and I feel the need to offer a social commentary rant related to our entrepreneurial virgin, or at least Mr. diseased liver wants to. But my indignation is not moral. I have no bone to pick with prostitution, the oldest profession. The Captain applauds Natalie Dylan for her provocative Capitalist coup - $3.7 million. My concern, purely altruistic, is with the diminution of the American economic IQ as epitomized by our high bidder. The case of Natalie Dylan flies in the face of that most basic of economic laws: supply and demand. So into virgin territory I dive with The Captain’s first ever lecture on economic theory!
The Captain’s First Time Economic Lecture OR Why the price of Natalie Dylan’s hymen is artificially inflated.
Even if Natalie could offer proof of her virginity, her condition is hardly rare in Southern California given the high incidence rate of the wildly popular Virginity Restoration surgery; demographically, 40 year old female virgins are the fastest growing segment of the population, thus the supply side is oversaturated and should drive down the price of virgin sex.
Though one could argue for a slight upward price adjustment based on Natalie’s status as a brunette, there is still a slut, excuse me, glut of attractive young women who reside in Southern California who would do it for a fixed price of three figures. Further complicating matters are the limited number of women who fail to charge anything at all, claiming they enjoy it.
Studies show that the first sexual experience for women is often awkward and uncomfortable. From the female perspective, this factor should drive up the price; however, the market (men) is unable to differentiate (tell the difference), so the price remains stable.
Market behavior, and in this case Natalie’s bed sheets, will typically fluctuate up and down. And though Natalie’s first time will undoubtedly be the high point of our Market chart, we must not forget the downward trend of all her subsequent meaningless sexual encounters with emotionally stunted males represented by the dots which fall below the x axis.
So based on the above, we must reach the elementary conclusion that the John willing to pay $3.7 million to have sex with Natalie is the NY Yankee of Johns, outrageously outbidding himself for her professional services, and should be required to take Economics 101 classes.
Believe The Captain when he says,
Sex is free with a free hand,
Yours typing singlehandedly,
The Captain
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