Exposing myths is my job. Though I don’t get paid to do this, The Captain gladly accepts monetary contributions for making the world a better place in my mind. Being no ordinary fool, I only solicit hard currency even though my contributions are “soft” or, as some of my sober readers have pointed out without prompting, imaginary. If you feel a snide, clever response to my solicitation is called for, by all means make a comment on my blog. Otherwise, pay attention, because what I am about to say is of the utmost urgency and gravity to me or, to put it bluntly, utterly unimportant (If you’re counting, that’s two instances of consonance in the same sentence using the letter “u”; in fact, if you really are counting, please go take your medication right this instant because that ain’t normal.)!
Who has not been given the obligatory parental lecture about working hard so you can give credence to a rather trite Army recruiting commercial? Be all that you can be. If you just work hard, you can become anything you want. To that, The Captain says “Hum Bugger”! Dear old Dad – God rest his soul so weary with bearing the cross of parenting The Captain – always said “Work hard and you can be anything you want, son, even President. Find something you’re good at and become the best at it.” There is both falsehood and truth in his words. So here come some myth exploding bullet points of Wisdom from The Captain!
The Captain’s Reasons Why Hard Work Is Overrated
· It’s hard; I’d much prefer success and wealth to come easily.
· It’s simply not true that you can be whatever you want if you simply work hard. Here are some examples:
o I can never be an engineer; I worked like a dog at algebra – extra help after school from the teacher, tutors, stimulants – but my brain is not wired for it. My father was an engineer but those genes skipped over The Captain – thanks for nothing Pop.
o No matter how much I toil, I can never be an astronaut. Someone please explain to me why my cavities preclude me from blasting off into space?!
o I can never be a track star. In sixth grade, the number one recess activity was the 100 yard “Battle of the Sexes” dash along the painted white line on the pavement separating the boys and girls on the playground. Girl on one side, boy on the other. Mano a Donna. I trained for months for my end of the year showdown with Denise Bodner, the speedy girl who lived two houses down from me in the hood. I ran stairs. I ran with weights. I ran like Dick fleeing Jane and her deadly cooties. By the time June rolled around, I was in the best shape of my young life. But the girl still kicked my ass. Enough said on this painful topic.
o Lotto. Wealth awaits those who work hard in school, slave away at work, and invest their earnings wisely. But if that’s not appealing to you, throw a few bucks down for a Lottery ticket while you’re at the convenience store picking up some beef jerky and a pack of Marlboros to smoke while you watch the big game on the big screen TV in your double wide with the satellite dish. Bingo – a multimillionaire is born!
o President is also out of the question; you might manage to get yourself hired at Burger King with a criminal record, but not at the White Castle in Washington, DC!
Migrant Farm Workers: These poor bastards work like dogs in the dirty, sweaty fields and all they get for their trouble is a little bit of cash and some measly trips to the mall in retired school buses painted a conspicuous power blue.
Snow: The harder I shovel it, the faster it falls!
Now Dad wasn’t all wrong, however. I have found a niche for which I can claim some success. Though I suspect that when he asked me “Can’t you give me a straight answer just once without embellishing?” he never envisioned that his words would one day be the inspiration for the literary and highly fictional character you all know and love as The Captain!
Believe The Captain when he says: Be like most people and become something less than what you hoped to be and unburden yourself of those annoying expectations!
Yours already there,
The Captain
Dear The Captain,
ReplyDeleteI think you may have found your "niche". Perhaps if you were to put a collection of your muses and get them published, you may one day find yourself on the New York Times Bestseller list...
Good luck!
Dear An,
ReplyDeleteNiche rhymes with rich. Maybe that's an omen - or just plain delusional! But I'll keeping musing (rhymes with boozing) and maybe one day I will find myself on that list! Thanks for your support. It helps keep me going.
The Captain