The Captain's Quiz

By now you all have probably had at least one or two moments while reading this blog when you’ve wondered out loud: where does he get his ideas and how could Nature have gone so terribly wrong?? In true Captainesque fashion, I will answer a question with a question – or, more precisely, a series of questions. While it is true that such an approach to inquiries was in fact made famous by that ancient Greek gadfly Socrates, it is also true that Socrates is long dead and can’t sue me for plagiarism, so I have fashioned a quiz for my Myrmidons to help you understand my unique talent for seeing what others cannot, a talent some mistake for psychosis or heat stroke. So have fun answering each question.

The quiz will be True or False, because that somehow seems fitting. So without further ado, here comes more evidence of my overt narcissism: The Captain’s Autobiographical Pop Quiz!! (The answers to each question are directly below the question in white font so they are magically invisible! To view the answer, simply highlight the space beneath the question.)

TRUE or FALSE

1. The Captain was actually born a black baby who only became white after his mother accidentally left him at the sea shore as a young waif, alone and exposed to the powerful summer sun, bleaching him to the tender pinkish white complexion he currently wears. When pressed, his mother claims it was an accident.

FALSE: The part about being a black baby, at least.

2. The Captain owns a rough woolen Black Watch Kilt from the Boer Wars that chafes his privates when the humidity is high.

TRUE: The Captain did some Scottish drumming for a bagpipe band back in the day and was assigned a musty, moth eaten kilt that was actually used in the second Boer War (I looked it up and it was a real war and it took place from 1899 to 1902).

3. Britney Spears is The Captain’s Love Child, the product of a secret, drunken tryst with Pamela Anderson.

FALSE: Unfortunately.

4. The Captain can translate three, count ‘em, three dead languages: Latin, Koine Greek, and ancient Hebrew.

TRUE: Living languages require that you learn to speak them, which is way too much work.

5. The Captain once studied to become a Lutheran Minster at the Lutheran Theological Seminary, where he studied Koine Greek and ancient Hebrew (hint, hint).

TRUE: For the record, Lutherans do not require their Ministers to be celibate and encourage home brewing, so this one is not as shocking as you’d think. After completing my second year, however, I abruptly ended this pursuit when someone told me I would be required to refrain from profanity and work every Sunday.

6. With a Master’s Degree in Social Work, The Captain is technically qualified to put a shingle on his door and counsel YOU! Chew on that one!!

TRUE: Still qualified and willing to offer a special discounted rate to my Myrmidons. Call 1-800-SUKITUP today!

7. The Captain was the drummer for the one hit wonder garage band called “Garage Band.” Garage Band performed one show at the Torringford Middle School Sock Hop and was hit with a barrage of tomatoes from the audience. No wonder we never got another gig.

TRUE: Sometimes I wonder what might have been, even if no one who ever heard us play ever did.

8. Became the first toddler ever to crawl to the summit of Mount Everest.

FALSE: If you don’t count my imagination.

9. The Captain once served as a member of his town’s Zoning

TRUE: Regrettably. I know Bucket Lists are all the rage these days, but I wish it was possible to have a Deletion List, where you can go back and delete certain things from your past. This would be near the top for me, right up there with my stint at Miss Janet’s School of Dance and that tragic recital at the Warner Theater. I have not tap danced since that day and never will.

10. Had a pet Tarantula in college named Boris (to this day I swear some disgruntled dorm mates kidnapped and killed the gentle spider over Spring Break my junior year).

TRUE: Still have a difficult time talking about it…

11. The Captain once went to Appalachia during his senior year in college to work with poor for a week and got to meet some real life hillbillies.

TRUE: Note to self. Add “Being groped under the table by hillbilly girl” to the Deletion List.

12. The Captain was Suspended his senior year in high school for writing a biting satirical piece on the National Honor Society members.

FALSE: I hated writing back then. I bet you wish the same held true today!!

So what was your score? The first time I took The Captain’s quiz, I scored a 70, which, I would remind you all, is a passing grade! In twelve subsequent attempts, my scores improved. Still shooting for a perfect score – I always answer TRUE for question 3, secretly hoping this explains one of the blackouts from that time in my life.

Believe The Captain when he says: unlike most of my blogs, this one’s more true than false this time!

Yours studiously,

Professor The Captain