I get my best ideas by accident, which is good news and bad news. Good because you don’t need to work hard to have accidents; bad because you can’t pick and choose between the good and the bad, as my auto insurer will surely agree. However, many of The Captain’s blogs have been born quietly and accidentally while showering, eating lunch with coworkers, or wetting the bed (not at the same time btw) , which falls into the category of “bad accident” or “too drunk to wake up.” So it is with this piece, as its theme just sort of developed over lunch conversation with some friends from work. And like many other blogs, this one is an artistic extension of an earlier piece, which means that my ideas are either aesthetically pregnant or half baked pieces of shite. You choose (but keep your choice to yourself). Some of you may remember the Roof Monkey, the highly trained and underpaid insurance professional (kinda like me), who climbs on roofs, takes measurements and photos, and provides companionship for lonely claims adjusters (HR had fun writing up corporate guidelines defining appropriate human/simian companionship; wild monkey sex – fun fetish or felony?). As it turns out, the Roof Monkey was just the beginning. Taking a queue from the soul-less bean counters who run behemoth financial institutions (into the ground) and earn exorbitant bonuses for shipping American jobs overseas, I propose a revolutionary new concept which I hope will propel me to a pay band where I too can be eligible for an outrageous bonus. Out with “Outsourcing” and in with “Outspecieing.” Sorry homo sapiens, but the future of the corporate workforce is to be found in the non-human animal kingdom. It’s perfect. Animals can be legally enslaved, never unionize, are willing to work for food (and cheap, dry, crappy tasting food at that!) and can be cross bred to suit the specific needs of a given profession. Right about now, the Chinese Communist Party is getting very nervous. Once my workforce breeding program is in full swing, millions of Chinese will be out of their 25 cents a day jobs. As part of my monomaniacal plan to take over the world, I propose to build “Outspecies World,” a state of the art breeding and training facility to create new animal hybrids that would make Darwin jealous. Before long, human labor as we know it will be extinct, all goods and services will be animal produced, leaving humans to forge peace and harmony and live happily ever after in a Utopia, courtesy of our animal friends. So here they come – the Outspecies!! • Flying monkeys. Frank Baum was ahead of his time on this one. And now, given the scientific advances in the fields of genetic engineering and neurology, we have the ability to breed capuchins with bald eagles to create a highly mobile and compliant new workforce which does not fall under the auspices of any governmental agency – the Tea Party oughta love that!. And since most monkeys are more intelligent than your average Tea Partier, our new work species will be able to move into white collar jobs currently held by intellectual elitists (another win for the TP). This is where the neuroscience comes in. Though monkeys are highly trainable, they also possess some sort of bizarre Monkey Free Will and at times become non-compliant and randomly destroy property and injure humans. The solution is simple: insert a micro chip in the monkey’s brain that allows entrepreneurs like myself to maintain absolute control of the monkey’s behavior via remote control (just take the remote away from me before I get too drunk, as being owner of a flying monkey makes me strictly liable for any acts I may or may not have directed it to perform. Put another way: Cover your butts!). • Koala Pit Bull Mix – Soft, cute, cuddly and ready to tuck your kids into bed, but also fierce, protective and able to quickly dispatch any home invasion attempts. Keeping our children safe and warm! Will need to go through several dozen generations to work out the kinks, like Koalapit reading little Suzy a bedtime story right before she becomes his bedtime snack. This could take some time given the notoriously slow procreative pace of the Koala species; typical Koala foreplay can last for four to six weeks, with documented cases of some commitment phobic males taking 2 months to reach first base. The Pit Bull mating habit of seeing, mounting, distributing, and dismounting in less than 30 seconds could potentially compensate for any delays, however. Those Koala females won’t know what hit them. By the time they turn around to defend their virtue, the horny little terrier will already be on its third Koala bitch. • Pit Viper Peacock Mix – Finally, we can rid ourselves of the dreaded CEO, as these creatures possess the necessary sliminess, venom and overinflated ego to run even the world’s largest financial institutions. But here’s the best part: the only bonus they require is a mirror and the occasional rabbit for lunch, meaning the profits are free to be shared with the people who actually do all the work! • Two Headed Lizard Spineless Lemming Mix – Finally, we can really fire all the politicians and let these creatures lead our federal and state bureaucracies. Two heads, forked tongues. Gives new meaning to speaking out of both sides of their mouth, but with absolutely no backbone to challenge voters on important political issues. • Speaking of multiplying body parts, imagine the possibilities of human/animal hybrids. The Octopus/Human combination is particularly appealing. Manpus would have 8 hands with which to get busy pleasuring several women at once, or perhaps multiple orifices on a single female. To be fair and balanced, we will need to breed a human female with an animal species with 8 nipples in order to keep Manpus’s hands occupied. OK. This is wrong on many levels and challenges the overall legality of my master plan, but gotta shake things up once in a while. • Gerbil Horse Mix – A gerbil hung like a horse. World’s most daring animated sex toy! Tom Cruise has preordered 300 of these suckers! • Cats and Dogs – Throw conventional wisdom to the wind! A feline/canine merger would produce one awesome butler. While dogs have traditionally fetched libations for their masters, they’ve lacked the coordination in their front paws possessed by cats to actually crack open and pour said libations. Imagine going to a bar and sending your cute furry butler to deliver complimentary drinks to the ladies. By the time you arrive to take credit, the heavy petting has already begun! Believe The Captain when he says: RC Flying Monkeys are not for children. Yours winning the human race, The Captain