Geriatric Cathouse

There is an HBO Reality Series about legal prostitution called Cathouse. We all know its pornography thinly disguised as drama. But believe it or not, that’s not my objection to this series. Fact is, as reality show concepts go, this one is as old and diseased as the profession it portrays. It’s boring. But of course I have a suggestion for a spinoff. Why not convert a nursing home to a house of prostitution and create a reality show called Geriatric Cathouse? A bunch of randy seniors evading those silly nurses and engaging in some sexy gerontology. The possibilities for humor and high drama are endless. Here are some ideas for episodes:

• Naughty Nurses

o Not what you’re thinking. On our show, attractive young Florence Nightingales walk around in sexy white nurse outfits with giant red targets on their backsides to lure the leering old men into the invisible electric fence surrounding them.

• Foreplay Follies

o Ma Bell seductively circles the visitor’s room in her scooter wearing only her wrinkled birthday suit while Grandpa shuffles loudly behind her with his walker sans Depends.

o While French kissing may be now be impossible, swapping spit lives on with the erotic denture exchange.

o Kama Sutra Sponge Bath. Practical and sexy and ideal for World Culture Wednesdays when a bunch of claw foot bath tubs are brought into the Activity Room, which is transformed into one giant Cialis commercial (still waiting to hear back from the manufacturer on our invitation to shoot a TV ad).

• Ology Role Play

o Partners take turns playing out fantasies in proctology and gynecology.

o Role reversal adds some spice – Grandpa looks sexy in stirrups. And anal sex is redefined as Grandma bends over while Grandma slips on a latex glove. Even seniors practice safe sex.

o Not to worry, as all nursing homes carry an ample supply of KY!

• Medication Mayhem

o Messy drug interactions abound after Grandpa smuggles in a case of Viagra. Grandpa soon learns to never mix Viagra with blood thinners – that is, if one can learn while in a coma.

o No fewer than seven ambulances are called to rush 7 male cast members and their six blue and swollen members to the ER after the men decide to run their own non-scientific experiment comparing Viagra and Cialis. Hilarity ensues as one cast member engages a search party to recover his lost member, which has apparently fallen off. The effort is fruitless, until it shows up inside a green Jell-O mold for the evening dessert. The ambulance is called back one more time to pump Mabel’s stomach after she accidentally swallows the missing member.

• Call of the Flatulents

o As a species, the human geriatric male has made a unique if not pleasant evolutionary adaptation in response to being caged up with a bunch of dried up post menopausal females. As young bucks, they could simply strut around like mindless apes, thumping their chests violently until a sufficiently self-destructive female was attracted. But now, with expensive life sustaining hardware implanted in their sunken chests and arthritis in their withered and bony wrists, such behavior would likely be fatal. And joints are not the only body parts that have eroded over time. Sphincter control has long since shite the bed, if you will, and flatulence is now the norm. But a group of enterprising males on our show has decided to use this development to their advantage. Like the melancholy Nightingale, they have decided to woo sexual partners by serenading them. In this ingenious adaptation, the men herd the women into the visitors room, lock the door, and then proceed to seduce them with divers exotic and erotic calls of flatulence. Before you can say “Geritol” the men are tooting and honking and trumpeting for potential mates – the Call of the Flatulents! The women, for their part, have mostly lost their olfactory senses and are hard of hearing and figure out, eventually, that they need to exchange geriatric sex (which can be performed while asleep) for freedom, and after several excruciating hours, the police are called to release the visiting family members who were locked up in error. A visit by law enforcement is always good for ratings!

OK, The Captain admits that the show is not really about a Cathouse, merely a group of elderly men and women too old to procreate, be afraid of STDs, or care about social stigmas. They can see the light at the end of the tunnel and are making a mad scramble to misbehave as often as possible before the light consumes them, so God bless them for that!

Believe The Captain when he says: walkers and canes can make interesting sex toys,

Yours praying for my soul,

The Captain