Things You Should NEVER do on Facebook

I admit, I am not a big Facebook user; frankly, I’m not all that interested in the daily activities of my life, so why would anyone else be? I make an exception for those of you waiting for this high speed train of a life to derail, in which case, I understand. But I do love the stories about people who get in big trouble after indiscriminately posting incriminating things about their narcissistic selves on Facebook. I swear that high school photo of me and the monkey in the sauna on Facebook was all just a big misunderstanding and was the real reason I was rejected by Yale, a theory that some like to poke holes in, claiming that way back in that day the PC hadn’t even been invented yet, let alone social networking (we used to call this a Keg Party)…but once again I digress. So even though it is patently false to suggest that the monkey has been in counseling ever since, I feel that, having been a victim of Facebook tomfoolery, I can do some good by giving my readers some helpful advice about what NEVER to do on Facebook.

· Never post homemade videos of your minor surgical procedures on Facebook, especially root canals and colonoscopies.

· Never post in bold print on 37 separate occasions over a 36 hour period rumors you know to be untrue about your boss being a gay heroin addict with a bellybutton fetish on Facebook when 250 of your “friends” are coworkers, including your boss.

· Never post pictures of yourself engaged in the following activities:

o Felonies

o Select Misdemeanors, i.e. painting graffiti on the Police Station holding cell walls.

· Never fib about your Relationship status. People talk…

· Never pose as another person on Facebook without doing your due diligence…like knowing that they are a black belt in Karate or a Gold Medal winning Archer or the son of a mobster, or a pedophile. NEVER

· Never have just one Facebook page. Have one for your family, one for your coworkers, and one for your friends under an assumed name that no search engine can ever track back to your true identity – let’s call this your Vegas identity.

· Never try and secretly join Justin Bieber’s Facebook page. It will get out…

· Never click on the ad about the Chinese herbal aphrodisiac tea…don’t ask.

· Never assume your mother doesn’t know what Facebook is or doesn’t know how to pose as you and regale the internet with childhood adventures about your bedwetting, your tap dancing recital where you sang, tapped, and stumbled your way through “Who Ate the Chicken in the Chicken Chow Mein,” and your childhood obsession with Mrs. Brady from The Brady Bunch (all my friends liked Marcia and Jan, but I preferred a mature woman).

· And finally, NEVER poke your Grandmother…it’s just not right.

Believe The Captain when he says: What happens on the internet, stays on the internet.

Yours deactivating my webcam,

The Captain