Annoying Things Parents Share About Their Children

My hand is raised on this one; I write about my offspring whether you want to hear about them or not. I enjoy teasing them (my daughter would call it “torturing.” She once tried to get a restraining order to keep me away from her when in the presence of her friends but lost because “tells embarrassingly bad jokes” is not a valid legal reason to grant one) and writing is just one more way to do it. Admittedly, most parents never taunt their biological children publicly in a blog by making vague allusions to unknown bastard step siblings that may or may not be real, so I can at least claim to be original. But no doubt there have been times while reading this blog when you’ve thought to yourself: “Why would I give a flying f*ck about the fact that The Captain has a child who depicts gruesome and twisted images in his driveway chalk art?” Then again, you probably just thought: “That makes perfect sense.” But you know what I’m talking about. Parents who just have to drop into every conversation the fact that little Johnny is captain of the football team or that little Suzy is captain of the cheerleaders and is dating the captain of the football team, conveniently omitting the fact that Johnny and Suzy are both their kids, unless you are from West Virginia, in which case it’s OK. But in light of the topic, I will not resort to the didactic style I am so in love with; this time, I will simply produce bullet points not with the aim of instructing but with the goal of making fun of all of the parents you and I know who waste our time bragging on their kids. So here they are: The Captain’s List of Annoying Things Parents Share About Their Kids!!

• “My Daughter is so stressed about writing her Valedictorian speech.”

o There are several ways to effectively respond to this and prevent the onslaught of boasting that is bound to follow. The first is a simple bit of sarcasm, something like: “Oh yeah, I can relate. My son is stressed about passing gym so he can graduate.” Not particularly clever or subtle, but shuts down the conversation nonetheless. Or you could try something a little more fun, such as: “Oh my god, I understand. My son is having the same problem with his speech.” This will elicit the desired response, “Oh, he’s his school’s Valedictorian as well?” But you’re ready with, “(LOL) Oh gosh, no. The clod doesn’t know a Valedictorian from a Vegetarian. His psychologist said the meds were supposed to take care of the delusions, like the one about being Harvard’s Valedictorian. I guess not!” And finally, I wouldn’t be The Captain if I didn’t suggest something twisted, like, “Well, it’s actually a speech he has to give to the Probation board on why it’s inappropriate to obsess over high achieving female students.”

• “My son’s Beemer convertible is in the shop again – I never should have bought him that car for his birthday; I should have gone with the Audi.”

o My reply might resemble: “I know. Kids and their vehicles – what a pain. I just got my kid some reflectors for his Schwinn – cost me ten freakin’ bucks! But I guess it’s worth it. Who wants to have to go pick him up at the ER at 3 in the morning when he’s out delivering his special papers?”

• “I’m gonna have to buy a bigger trophy case for junior!”

o My retort: “I think it’s supposed to be warm this weekend,” because it’s fun to witness the look of disappointment on the braggart’s face when I fail to take the bait and ask why!

• “Genie’s math teacher is way too hard a grader…blah…blah…blah…and those mean girls keep picking on her…blah…blah…blah…talked me out of pressing charges…blah…blah…blah…can you believe it?”

o In cases like this try, “I’m sorry, I was reading a text from my dentist – what was that?” and then walk away quickly without looking up.

• “My daughter really finds it annoying when total strangers walk up to her and tell her she’s beautiful.”
o My comeback would be, “I hear ya, nobody wants delusional junkies approaching them out of the blue.”

• “I hate it when I have to choose between my daughter’s piano recital and my son’s All-Star hockey game.”

o Throw them off balance with: “Lucky you; my choice is usually Juvenile Review Board meeting or Monday Night Raw – tough decision, I know!”

• “Biff is not your ordinary child.” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You know, they do remarkable things these days with psychotropic drugs.” Or, “With a name like that it’s no wonder!”!

Believe The Captain when he says: For the record, my three children are all legitimate.

Yours proud of my kids, who have horns and graze in my backyard,

The Captain