The Captain is no amateur when it comes to fibbing and fabricating, so I am eminently qualified to vouch for the veracity of those pearls of wisdom our parents liked to dispense whenever they decided to drop a life lesson on us. It’s kinda sad to think that our Moms and Dads lied to us, but, unlike the big one about Santa, most never came with some really cool gifts, just some unappealing prescriptions, such as “floss twice a day”. When I was a kid, I had trouble tying my danged shoe laces so there was no friggin' way I had the dexterity to grab hold of some slippery plastic thread well enough to reach inside my jabbering jaws and run it back and forth between the tiny gaps in my teeth that I couldn’t even see. Recently, my satanic dental hygienist told me that failing to floss could lead to a heart attack. I told her that if I was gonna give myself a heart attack I sure as hell wouldn’t do it with floss but with red meat and fried food. She didn’t think that was funny. As anyone with parents knows, there are many more where this came from. Let’s put them to rest once and for all.
· You need five servings of fruits and vegetables every day to grow up big and strong. Really? Then why is that it that 6’ 3” 220 lb. Bobby from down the street, who was raised on Pop Tarts and Tater Tots, was so much bigger and stronger than my skinny ass and would squish me like a bug every football practice and date cheerleaders and get athletic scholarship offers when I all I got for eating those goddamned apples was a little green worm and a seat on my pants??
· If you don’t go to sleep right away, the bogeyman with 3 inch rotting yellow incisors and a razor sharp bowie knife will slip out from underneath your bed to cut open your abdomen and devour your spleen and kidneys and then yank out your large intestine to wrap around your neck and squeeze the life right out of you. OK. Maybe only my parents said things like this, which explains a lot, but threats to get children to sleep are completely ineffective nonetheless.
· If someone slaps you on the back violently while your eyes are crossed, your eyes will stay permanently crossed. Nope. Me and the older boys in my hood must have made the little neighborhood kids cross their eyes a million times to test this theory. No permanently crossed eyes, just some redness and the occasional contusion; in fact, none of the little snitches ever had any difficulty with their sight as they were able to provide a visual ID each and every time their overprotective parents would put us in a lineup.
· Pretty girls like boys who are smart. But the smart boys all know the truth. Pretty girls like assholes.
· Swallowing a tablespoon of Cod Liver oil makes you healthy. In my experience, swallowing Cod Liver oil makes you vomit.
· Adversity builds character. For real? Adversity just plain sucks.
· Cheaters Never Prosper – unless you have the initials C.E.O. after your name, in which case cheaters prosper outrageously.
· Lying to your parents about that broken Ming Vase will only get you in more trouble. Of course, if you happen to be the favorite child, then it works like a charm, especially when you blame it on the Black Sheep of the family, right Sis?!!
· You can’t get pregnant if you do it during a full moon. True, unless you forget to use birth control, right Sis?! Btw, lying about having sex is not a form of birth control…
· You don’t need to get drunk to have fun. Could be true, I just wouldn’t know ;)
Believe The Captain when he says: My new title is The Captain, CEO (Chief Embellishment Officer).
Yours waiting for my bonus,
The Captain, CEO
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