My hand is raised on this one; I write about my offspring whether you want to hear about them or not. I enjoy teasing them (my daughter would call it “torturing.” She once tried to get a restraining order to keep me away from her when in the presence of her friends but lost because “tells embarrassingly bad jokes” is not a valid legal reason to grant one) and writing is just one more way to do it. Admittedly, most parents never taunt their biological children publicly in a blog by making vague allusions to unknown bastard step siblings that may or may not be real, so I can at least claim to be original. But no doubt there have been times while reading this blog when you’ve thought to yourself: “Why would I give a flying f*ck about the fact that The Captain has a child who depicts gruesome and twisted images in his driveway chalk art?” Then again, you probably just thought: “That makes perfect sense.” But you know what I’m talking about. Parents who just have to drop into every conversation the fact that little Johnny is captain of the football team or that little Suzy is captain of the cheerleaders and is dating the captain of the football team, conveniently omitting the fact that Johnny and Suzy are both their kids, unless you are from West Virginia, in which case it’s OK. But in light of the topic, I will not resort to the didactic style I am so in love with; this time, I will simply produce bullet points not with the aim of instructing but with the goal of making fun of all of the parents you and I know who waste our time bragging on their kids. So here they are: The Captain’s List of Annoying Things Parents Share About Their Kids!!
• “My Daughter is so stressed about writing her Valedictorian speech.”
o There are several ways to effectively respond to this and prevent the onslaught of boasting that is bound to follow. The first is a simple bit of sarcasm, something like: “Oh yeah, I can relate. My son is stressed about passing gym so he can graduate.” Not particularly clever or subtle, but shuts down the conversation nonetheless. Or you could try something a little more fun, such as: “Oh my god, I understand. My son is having the same problem with his speech.” This will elicit the desired response, “Oh, he’s his school’s Valedictorian as well?” But you’re ready with, “(LOL) Oh gosh, no. The clod doesn’t know a Valedictorian from a Vegetarian. His psychologist said the meds were supposed to take care of the delusions, like the one about being Harvard’s Valedictorian. I guess not!” And finally, I wouldn’t be The Captain if I didn’t suggest something twisted, like, “Well, it’s actually a speech he has to give to the Probation board on why it’s inappropriate to obsess over high achieving female students.”
• “My son’s Beemer convertible is in the shop again – I never should have bought him that car for his birthday; I should have gone with the Audi.”
o My reply might resemble: “I know. Kids and their vehicles – what a pain. I just got my kid some reflectors for his Schwinn – cost me ten freakin’ bucks! But I guess it’s worth it. Who wants to have to go pick him up at the ER at 3 in the morning when he’s out delivering his special papers?”
• “I’m gonna have to buy a bigger trophy case for junior!”
o My retort: “I think it’s supposed to be warm this weekend,” because it’s fun to witness the look of disappointment on the braggart’s face when I fail to take the bait and ask why!
• “Genie’s math teacher is way too hard a grader…blah…blah…blah…and those mean girls keep picking on her…blah…blah…blah…talked me out of pressing charges…blah…blah…blah…can you believe it?”
o In cases like this try, “I’m sorry, I was reading a text from my dentist – what was that?” and then walk away quickly without looking up.
• “My daughter really finds it annoying when total strangers walk up to her and tell her she’s beautiful.”
o My comeback would be, “I hear ya, nobody wants delusional junkies approaching them out of the blue.”
• “I hate it when I have to choose between my daughter’s piano recital and my son’s All-Star hockey game.”
o Throw them off balance with: “Lucky you; my choice is usually Juvenile Review Board meeting or Monday Night Raw – tough decision, I know!”
• “Biff is not your ordinary child.” Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You know, they do remarkable things these days with psychotropic drugs.” Or, “With a name like that it’s no wonder!”!
Believe The Captain when he says: For the record, my three children are all legitimate.
Yours proud of my kids, who have horns and graze in my backyard,
The Captain
Fire Safety Advice et al. - but mostly et al. Email your question or comment to thefloorcaptain@gmail.com
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Things You Should NEVER do on Facebook
I admit, I am not a big Facebook user; frankly, I’m not all that interested in the daily activities of my life, so why would anyone else be? I make an exception for those of you waiting for this high speed train of a life to derail, in which case, I understand. But I do love the stories about people who get in big trouble after indiscriminately posting incriminating things about their narcissistic selves on Facebook. I swear that high school photo of me and the monkey in the sauna on Facebook was all just a big misunderstanding and was the real reason I was rejected by Yale, a theory that some like to poke holes in, claiming that way back in that day the PC hadn’t even been invented yet, let alone social networking (we used to call this a Keg Party)…but once again I digress. So even though it is patently false to suggest that the monkey has been in counseling ever since, I feel that, having been a victim of Facebook tomfoolery, I can do some good by giving my readers some helpful advice about what NEVER to do on Facebook.
· Never post homemade videos of your minor surgical procedures on Facebook, especially root canals and colonoscopies.
· Never post in bold print on 37 separate occasions over a 36 hour period rumors you know to be untrue about your boss being a gay heroin addict with a bellybutton fetish on Facebook when 250 of your “friends” are coworkers, including your boss.
· Never post pictures of yourself engaged in the following activities:
o Felonies
o Select Misdemeanors, i.e. painting graffiti on the Police Station holding cell walls.
· Never fib about your Relationship status. People talk…
· Never pose as another person on Facebook without doing your due diligence…like knowing that they are a black belt in Karate or a Gold Medal winning Archer or the son of a mobster, or a pedophile. NEVER
· Never have just one Facebook page. Have one for your family, one for your coworkers, and one for your friends under an assumed name that no search engine can ever track back to your true identity – let’s call this your Vegas identity.
· Never try and secretly join Justin Bieber’s Facebook page. It will get out…
· Never click on the ad about the Chinese herbal aphrodisiac tea…don’t ask.
· Never assume your mother doesn’t know what Facebook is or doesn’t know how to pose as you and regale the internet with childhood adventures about your bedwetting, your tap dancing recital where you sang, tapped, and stumbled your way through “Who Ate the Chicken in the Chicken Chow Mein,” and your childhood obsession with Mrs. Brady from The Brady Bunch (all my friends liked Marcia and Jan, but I preferred a mature woman).
· And finally, NEVER poke your Grandmother…it’s just not right.
Believe The Captain when he says: What happens on the internet, stays on the internet.
Yours deactivating my webcam,
The Captain
· Never post homemade videos of your minor surgical procedures on Facebook, especially root canals and colonoscopies.
· Never post in bold print on 37 separate occasions over a 36 hour period rumors you know to be untrue about your boss being a gay heroin addict with a bellybutton fetish on Facebook when 250 of your “friends” are coworkers, including your boss.
· Never post pictures of yourself engaged in the following activities:
o Felonies
o Select Misdemeanors, i.e. painting graffiti on the Police Station holding cell walls.
· Never fib about your Relationship status. People talk…
· Never pose as another person on Facebook without doing your due diligence…like knowing that they are a black belt in Karate or a Gold Medal winning Archer or the son of a mobster, or a pedophile. NEVER
· Never have just one Facebook page. Have one for your family, one for your coworkers, and one for your friends under an assumed name that no search engine can ever track back to your true identity – let’s call this your Vegas identity.
· Never try and secretly join Justin Bieber’s Facebook page. It will get out…
· Never click on the ad about the Chinese herbal aphrodisiac tea…don’t ask.
· Never assume your mother doesn’t know what Facebook is or doesn’t know how to pose as you and regale the internet with childhood adventures about your bedwetting, your tap dancing recital where you sang, tapped, and stumbled your way through “Who Ate the Chicken in the Chicken Chow Mein,” and your childhood obsession with Mrs. Brady from The Brady Bunch (all my friends liked Marcia and Jan, but I preferred a mature woman).
· And finally, NEVER poke your Grandmother…it’s just not right.
Believe The Captain when he says: What happens on the internet, stays on the internet.
Yours deactivating my webcam,
The Captain
Monday, November 1, 2010
Lies Our Parents Told Us
The Captain is no amateur when it comes to fibbing and fabricating, so I am eminently qualified to vouch for the veracity of those pearls of wisdom our parents liked to dispense whenever they decided to drop a life lesson on us. It’s kinda sad to think that our Moms and Dads lied to us, but, unlike the big one about Santa, most never came with some really cool gifts, just some unappealing prescriptions, such as “floss twice a day”. When I was a kid, I had trouble tying my danged shoe laces so there was no friggin' way I had the dexterity to grab hold of some slippery plastic thread well enough to reach inside my jabbering jaws and run it back and forth between the tiny gaps in my teeth that I couldn’t even see. Recently, my satanic dental hygienist told me that failing to floss could lead to a heart attack. I told her that if I was gonna give myself a heart attack I sure as hell wouldn’t do it with floss but with red meat and fried food. She didn’t think that was funny. As anyone with parents knows, there are many more where this came from. Let’s put them to rest once and for all.
· You need five servings of fruits and vegetables every day to grow up big and strong. Really? Then why is that it that 6’ 3” 220 lb. Bobby from down the street, who was raised on Pop Tarts and Tater Tots, was so much bigger and stronger than my skinny ass and would squish me like a bug every football practice and date cheerleaders and get athletic scholarship offers when I all I got for eating those goddamned apples was a little green worm and a seat on my pants??
· If you don’t go to sleep right away, the bogeyman with 3 inch rotting yellow incisors and a razor sharp bowie knife will slip out from underneath your bed to cut open your abdomen and devour your spleen and kidneys and then yank out your large intestine to wrap around your neck and squeeze the life right out of you. OK. Maybe only my parents said things like this, which explains a lot, but threats to get children to sleep are completely ineffective nonetheless.
· If someone slaps you on the back violently while your eyes are crossed, your eyes will stay permanently crossed. Nope. Me and the older boys in my hood must have made the little neighborhood kids cross their eyes a million times to test this theory. No permanently crossed eyes, just some redness and the occasional contusion; in fact, none of the little snitches ever had any difficulty with their sight as they were able to provide a visual ID each and every time their overprotective parents would put us in a lineup.
· Pretty girls like boys who are smart. But the smart boys all know the truth. Pretty girls like assholes.
· Swallowing a tablespoon of Cod Liver oil makes you healthy. In my experience, swallowing Cod Liver oil makes you vomit.
· Adversity builds character. For real? Adversity just plain sucks.
· Cheaters Never Prosper – unless you have the initials C.E.O. after your name, in which case cheaters prosper outrageously.
· Lying to your parents about that broken Ming Vase will only get you in more trouble. Of course, if you happen to be the favorite child, then it works like a charm, especially when you blame it on the Black Sheep of the family, right Sis?!!
· You can’t get pregnant if you do it during a full moon. True, unless you forget to use birth control, right Sis?! Btw, lying about having sex is not a form of birth control…
· You don’t need to get drunk to have fun. Could be true, I just wouldn’t know ;)
Believe The Captain when he says: My new title is The Captain, CEO (Chief Embellishment Officer).
Yours waiting for my bonus,
The Captain, CEO
· You need five servings of fruits and vegetables every day to grow up big and strong. Really? Then why is that it that 6’ 3” 220 lb. Bobby from down the street, who was raised on Pop Tarts and Tater Tots, was so much bigger and stronger than my skinny ass and would squish me like a bug every football practice and date cheerleaders and get athletic scholarship offers when I all I got for eating those goddamned apples was a little green worm and a seat on my pants??
· If you don’t go to sleep right away, the bogeyman with 3 inch rotting yellow incisors and a razor sharp bowie knife will slip out from underneath your bed to cut open your abdomen and devour your spleen and kidneys and then yank out your large intestine to wrap around your neck and squeeze the life right out of you. OK. Maybe only my parents said things like this, which explains a lot, but threats to get children to sleep are completely ineffective nonetheless.
· If someone slaps you on the back violently while your eyes are crossed, your eyes will stay permanently crossed. Nope. Me and the older boys in my hood must have made the little neighborhood kids cross their eyes a million times to test this theory. No permanently crossed eyes, just some redness and the occasional contusion; in fact, none of the little snitches ever had any difficulty with their sight as they were able to provide a visual ID each and every time their overprotective parents would put us in a lineup.
· Pretty girls like boys who are smart. But the smart boys all know the truth. Pretty girls like assholes.
· Swallowing a tablespoon of Cod Liver oil makes you healthy. In my experience, swallowing Cod Liver oil makes you vomit.
· Adversity builds character. For real? Adversity just plain sucks.
· Cheaters Never Prosper – unless you have the initials C.E.O. after your name, in which case cheaters prosper outrageously.
· Lying to your parents about that broken Ming Vase will only get you in more trouble. Of course, if you happen to be the favorite child, then it works like a charm, especially when you blame it on the Black Sheep of the family, right Sis?!!
· You can’t get pregnant if you do it during a full moon. True, unless you forget to use birth control, right Sis?! Btw, lying about having sex is not a form of birth control…
· You don’t need to get drunk to have fun. Could be true, I just wouldn’t know ;)
Believe The Captain when he says: My new title is The Captain, CEO (Chief Embellishment Officer).
Yours waiting for my bonus,
The Captain, CEO
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About Me
- The Captain
- To quote the amazing Frank Turner: "I won't sit down. I won't shut up. And most of all, I will not grow up!" That's an apt description of me. If you disagree, please refer to the above quote.
Fire Safety Advice et al. - but mostly et al. Email your question or comment to thefloorcaptain@gmail.com