Perhaps there is no greater testament to the vanity and arrogance of humans than the popularity of TV shows showcasing homemade videos of embarrassing and humiliating tricks they force their pets to perform. The poor animals are given no choice and are unable to defend themselves from such predators, so The Captain, steadfast friend and champion of the underdog, is stepping in to right this wrong. I have written a pilot for a new lameass TV show called “Stupid Human Tricks: Revenge of the Macaws.” I will host the show along with a highly trained Macaw parrot, who will provide the color commentary as I parade out a bunch of wannabe reality TV stars who are willing to perform the most ridiculous human tricks just to get their 15 minutes of fame. Here’s the lineup for the world premiere!
· For all the innocent canines who fell prey to their junkie masters and the infamous peanut butter on the bridge of the nose trick, I will parade out an offending crack addict who was involuntarily placed in a detox box for three days (my lawyers assure me the kidnapping charges will never stick) with a packet of crack cocaine duck taped to his back right on the very spot he can’t quite reach with his shaking extremities while Manny the Macaw taunts him with a chorus of “Polly want crack?”
· Next, the 300 pound guy who would regularly shave his miniature poodle and put pink scrunchies on his tail will come on stage wearing only a pink thong and be required to pirouette through an obstacle course of Wendy’s triple cheeseburgers before being allowed to consume them, only to discover that they’re just stage props, punctuated by the exclamation point of Manny asking the audience, “Where’s the beef?”
· We have a special treat for Rufus’s hyperactive OCD owner who forced him to line dance wearing a doggie cowboy hat and stirrups; he will have to do his own line dance wearing only an itchy burlap bag. His partners? A group of Galapagos Tortoises in no hurry to bust a move!
· And as a grand gesture to appease all the poor monkeys who were ever made to dance for organ grinders, we turn the tables and give them each a Wall Street executive dressed as a bell boy, and send them all to Times Square to record them dancing for dollar bills. Manny will visit each CEO and serenade them with a sing-songy “Dance, Bitch, Dance.”
· And finally, Manny gets to star in his own segment; he will parade around the mall on the shoulder of his owner, who will be dressed as Captain Morgan and forced to approach strangers with baby carriages and say things like, “Ahoy, Matey” and “Shiver Me Timbers” until the Mall cops come and arrest him on national TV
Believe The Captain when he says: Be sure to hire extra security whenever you bring in a crack addict as a guest on your TV show.
Yours recruiting one of those hairless dogs to do a segment with Donald Trump,
The Captain
· For all the innocent canines who fell prey to their junkie masters and the infamous peanut butter on the bridge of the nose trick, I will parade out an offending crack addict who was involuntarily placed in a detox box for three days (my lawyers assure me the kidnapping charges will never stick) with a packet of crack cocaine duck taped to his back right on the very spot he can’t quite reach with his shaking extremities while Manny the Macaw taunts him with a chorus of “Polly want crack?”
· Next, the 300 pound guy who would regularly shave his miniature poodle and put pink scrunchies on his tail will come on stage wearing only a pink thong and be required to pirouette through an obstacle course of Wendy’s triple cheeseburgers before being allowed to consume them, only to discover that they’re just stage props, punctuated by the exclamation point of Manny asking the audience, “Where’s the beef?”
· We have a special treat for Rufus’s hyperactive OCD owner who forced him to line dance wearing a doggie cowboy hat and stirrups; he will have to do his own line dance wearing only an itchy burlap bag. His partners? A group of Galapagos Tortoises in no hurry to bust a move!
· And as a grand gesture to appease all the poor monkeys who were ever made to dance for organ grinders, we turn the tables and give them each a Wall Street executive dressed as a bell boy, and send them all to Times Square to record them dancing for dollar bills. Manny will visit each CEO and serenade them with a sing-songy “Dance, Bitch, Dance.”
· And finally, Manny gets to star in his own segment; he will parade around the mall on the shoulder of his owner, who will be dressed as Captain Morgan and forced to approach strangers with baby carriages and say things like, “Ahoy, Matey” and “Shiver Me Timbers” until the Mall cops come and arrest him on national TV
Believe The Captain when he says: Be sure to hire extra security whenever you bring in a crack addict as a guest on your TV show.
Yours recruiting one of those hairless dogs to do a segment with Donald Trump,
The Captain
Shiver Me Timbers
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