There has been an exciting development in the world of politics that’s given rise to a secret ambition of The Captain. It seems that the job description for politicians has changed. For years, it was lying, corruption, hubris, lawyering and mercenary pandering. At the moment, however, to have serious political aspirations, one need only be a complete nutjob living in a fantasy world. Hello! So you, my Myrmidons, shall be a witness to history as yours truly declares publically right here in this blog my intention to run for the highest office in the land after Liquor Board Commissioner, the President of the United States of America. If I can figure out how to do it, I will create an online petition so that I can garner the signatures needed to be a write in candidate in the next Presidential election. Armageddon here we come! Unlike all other politicians, I will now set out to explicitly outline my political platform to create a more humorous nation.
· I know that I’m a political amateur, but it seems that most politicians fail to recognize a truly transcendent policy when they see one. Take “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” This is the cornerstone of my campaign and The Captain’s Golden Rule. Don’t ask me what I was doing this morning at 2 am and I won’t tell the world what I saw you doing. Idiotically simple - which is why I think I can actually win with it!
· Anti-Prohibitionist Movement. I am the self proclaimed leader of this grassroots movement which has a simple message for big government: Keep your hands off my booze!!! Now you and I both know that in reality there is no organized political effort to bring back Prohibition, but I have noticed that it is all the rage to invent political bogeymen to scare the shit out of ignorant voters to get them to vote for you. So I ask you. What’s scarier than a dry USA??? Exactly.
· Another thing in my favor is the fact that dabbling in bizarre anti-social or satanic rituals is now considered a political asset. I know I said that DADT is my Golden Rule, but I’m going to contradict myself like a good politician and tell anyone who’ll listen about my brief but memorable stint in college as a charter member of the Lovin’ Lucifers. Formerly, when people asked me about this, my response has always been, “I thought it was a joke, I swear!” But now that I’m running for office I’m like, “Yeah, I dabbled in the dark arts.”
· If I learned anything from the latest James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace” it’s that the precious natural resource of water is the ticket to cementing our future status as the world’s sole superpower, so I propose that we invade our water rich neighbor to the north, Canada. Plus, there’s nothing like a good war to stimulate our flagging economy.
· Campaign Slogan. What else could it be: Believe The Captain!
· Contest to name my Vice President! That’s right, I’m going to let one of my lucky readers choose for me. Funniest selection wins. Please submit your candidate along with a brief rationale about why they’d be my ideal VP. Post your entries in the comment section below or email your entry to thefloorcaptain@gmail.com.
Believe The Captain when he says: Believe The Captain!!!
Yours recruiting interns on Craigslist to work my campaign,
The Captain
Dear The Captain,
ReplyDeleteWould you be willing to sign my petition asking Congress to make sex illegal?
Christine O'Donnell
ps: My coven is having a Seance Saturday if you're interested :)
Dear Ms. or Miss O'Donnell,
ReplyDeleteI think you should know that I have an STD that can be transmitted via the internet. Does this change things?
The Captain
Ben Quayle for VP! Mr. Quayle has the political family power to open the doors the Captain will need to break into mainstream politics. It will be easy for the Captain to persuade good ole Dan that the Captain’s way is the right way and to fully fund the campaign which will hit every tavern from sea to shining sea. After all taverns are really where the races are won, promises made in taverns are never remembered either by the individual making them or the recipient, so the sky is the limit on what can be offered.
ReplyDeleteLet’s not kid ourselves however. Your faithful readers expect the Captain will have to hand over the reins on numerous occasions to his VP for various reasons. Usually to sleep off some of his don’t ask don’t tell initiatives he participated in the evening prior. Ben will carry on the Captain’s Agenda without skipping a beat during those hours, just as long as there is no participation in spelling bee exams expected.
2012 The Captain and The Quayle for an interesting tomorrow!
Tim
Dear Myrmidon Tim,
ReplyDeleteF*cking Brilliant!
The Captain and The Quayle!
Can you work on my campaign? I'd have to pay you in beer, OK?
The Captain