On my maiden voyage on the sea of slang and “unconventional” English words, The Captain simply did what was most prudent and practical and started at the bow of this great vessel of confounding confabulations, which is my very Captainesque way of saying I opened the dictionary to page one and started with words that begin with the letter “A”. Of course, what I call prudent, my daughter calls laziness. Never one to spurn noble advice from a female, I am determined this time to go above and beyond prudence and randomly open the dictionary to a page somewhere in the middle and select the words from a letter ordained by Dame Fortune herself. Upon hearing of my ambitious intentions, my daughter punctuated a flawlessly executed eye roll with the words: “lazy ass.”
Well, that’s all the motivation I need, really. So here it is: The Captain’s Second Ever Random Expository Guide to Slang and Unconventional English!
In her unknowable wisdom, Dame Fortune chose the letter “J” for this effort. I couldn’t help but wonder if she somehow got wind of my extracurricular activities in the lavatory as a school boy.
Jinket: To be very merry; dance about.
“The smell of shea butter and lavender makes me jinket”. (This is the new old Gay – what Gay meant prior to the 20th century).
Joan: a fetter; handcuffs.
“Said the Emo to her brooding lover: joan me.”
Joan: homely; a course, ordinary woman.
“The novelty coffee mug company discontinued its Homely Joan line of coffee mugs.”
Job: biblical – a hen-pecked husband.
“The poor Job.” (Wow, a simile based on the guy who perhaps suffered more than any other character in the Old Testament; and you thought The Captain was overly dramatic!)
Jockam: The penis. (see arbor vitae – tree of life).
“The geek was forced to take gym class with all the Jockams.”
Jockum-gagger: A man living on his wife’s harlotry (late 18th century).
“What do you call a jockum-gagger with a harem? A rich man!” (late 18th century geek humor).
Joint: An outside bookmaker’s paraphernalia of list-frame, umbrella, etc., some of which are joined together in movable pieces; a wife; a brothel; a tent; any stall from which a grafter produces amusement; a fellow, a chap. (Nowhere in all this was the definition I was looking for; paraphernalia come closest.)
“Job went to the joint to seek solace and refuge from his joint.” (OMG I’ve outdone myself with this alliterative masterpiece!)
Jog the loo: To pump briskly.
“The young lad went to jog the loo with his jockam.”
Josser: A simpleton.
“The Captain went round all day with a sign on his back that read ‘Josser.’”
Believe the Josser when he says: I could go for some book making paraphernalia!
Yours about to jinket and jollify (behave merrily, make slightly drunk),
The Captain
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