Before I vault into a volley of vacuous verbose verbiage, I am asking a favor. Please email your vote for a favorite new holiday or holidays to thefloorcaptain@gmail.com. This is a real contest. The winning entry will be published on this blog! Kindly read on and when you are finished, craft an email with your selection (it can be one of mine below or your own) and a brief or longwinded reason why it is your choice. If you are so inclined, you can even suggest a date for the holiday and provide clever examples of how one might celebrate it. Have fun. I look forward to your responses!
For you Myrmidons who remember my Holiday Review post, I say “Damn, thanks for still reading this lunacy!” The sentimental favorite was clearly Hoodie Hoo Day, which, by the way, is coming up in February, so start making your preparations today. If my research is correct, this means taking an inventory of the liquor cabinet and heading to the package store to restock the wet bar, the fridge, and the flask(s). With so many nonsense holidays floating around out there off which many charlatans prosper, The Captain asked himself in the third person? Why not The Captain? He is eminently qualified to be a charlatan. The answer, in the fourth person (or maybe that’s the fourth dimension!), came thus: Indeed, why not The Captain? So here I am to lead the charge to invent a new nonsensical holiday. My inspiration for this crusade was my recent discovery of “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” I found it on the internet, so it’s definitely legit. But I need your help with fabrications. Let’s have some fun suggesting potential holidays and then have a contest to pick the winner. They do shit like this at my place of employment all the time as a patronizing gesture to make us think we matter. Anywho, here it is! The Captain’s First Annual Invent That Holiday Contest.
I’ll start with a few of my own ideas to get the creative and fermented juices flowing.
· Enema Day – because I always wondered what the world would be like if everyone’s day started with one! Clever in a juvenile sort of way, but a tough one to pull off. I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be, but I think this one is beyond even me. Though it would be kind of comical to stand on a street corner in Times Square and hand out Enema Day flyers along with free samples and see how people respond.
· Hug Your Hot Step Mom Day – I always thought having a hot step mom must be cruel for teenage boys. All those conflicting emotional, and oedipal erotic feelings being swept up in the hormonal flood makes a rough developmental stage that much rougher. This holiday is designed to alleviate the angst. Why fight it? I say, take every opportunity to hug mommy and get a cheap thrill. Who knows? Maybe mommy is a cheap slut just like all the neighbors say and you’ll end up getting lucky. There’s something to celebrate!
· Curse Your Accountant Day – You know you want to. There’s just something incongruous about a universe in which your accountant makes more money than you, has a hotter significant other, and drives a sweet convertible Italian sports car when you drive a “sensible” sedan Japanese import. Arghhh!!!!!!
· Ban Viagra Day – Some things should just be left well enough alone; Viagra is an example of NOT leaving well enough alone! This falls into the category of Public Awareness Holiday, like Earth Day, but instead of saving Mother Nature from the ravages of pollution, it saves me from the psychological ravages of thinking about old people having sex in bathtubs – porcelain and osteoporosis don’t mix!
· Drunken Uncle Day – Perfect holiday material. Naturally encourages drinking and revelers regaling partygoers with outrageous tales of Drunken Uncle escapades, like the time my unemployed, homeless Uncle lived with my family when I was in High School when I had two – count ‘em – two teenage sisters in the house. He would get up before everyone on school days, go into our only bathroom, lock the door, and take a 3 hour bubble bath. I never saw my sisters so pissed, and that’s saying something with me as their brother! Eventually, Uncle Don was “asked” to leave; the last straw was the time he almost burned down our house making popcorn on the stove. Exciting times!
Now here’s your chance to add to the list. Invent your own Holiday!!!!!!!
Believe The Captain when he says: any excuse to drink is a good one!
Yours updating my Liquor Inventory spreadsheet,
The Captain
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