Geriatric Tennis

Every day, my commuter bus takes me past the beautiful Elizabeth Park tennis courts. Once the nets go up in the spring, a group of female senior citizens descends on the eastern court during the early morning hours for some “spirited” doubles action. Now to the untrained eye, “action” may seem a bit of a stretch, but through the lens of The Captain’s Camera obscura, what appears to be four old biddies standing in place in slow motion randomly swatting flies with racquets is, upon closer inspection, an intricate and incredibly complex set of behaviors that, in the end, qualifies as a tennis match.

I will attempt to illustrate by mechanically describing the dramatic activity of the players and then interpret what is actually happening. This harkens back to my collegiate days as an English Literature major and being required to read the novels of Henry James. One or two mundane physical events occur over the course of several hundred pages, making it seem on the surface like an incredible waste of time and ink. Ah, but then there is (and I am now quoting from memory the same lecture I heard for an entire freakin’ semester) the “dramatic action – what is happening psychologically in the minds of the characters”. And much like The Captain, James could write a sentence that drags on for pages and pages…and pages. (Listen folks, I know my random sidebars are pure bullshit, but the act of comparing a geriatric tennis match with a Henry James novel is just the sort of disjointed and bizarre existential connection that floats The Captain’s boat, pun intended).

So move over Henry James, here comes The Captain’s Ode to Geriatric Tennis!

Mechanical Description: Ping, boing, dribble.

What Really Happened: Delores serving an ace and, in a shrewd attempt to preserve her energy, thinking to herself but not verbalizing, “Take that Saggy Tits!” (Ping – ball hits racquet; boing - ball bounces and hits the court surface; dribble – the ball dribbles between the legs and beneath the drooping bosom of Gertrude, the bitch who bedded Dolores’s third husband at the nursing home)

Mechanical Description: Ping, boing, dribble, slurp.

What Really Happened: Saggy Tits Gertrude returning the favor and having the incredible wherewithal to slurp up her drool in one fluid motion and thinking thus about her tryst with Dolores’s husband, “I’ve had better.” Amazing.

Mechanical Description: Grunt, whiff, dribble, waddle, waddle, waddle, grunt, dribble, expletive, waddle, waddle, waddle, grunt, waddle, waddle, waddle, whiff, dribble.

What Really Happened: Edna double faulting on her serve for the 3,762nd consecutive time. (Grunt – Edna tossing up the ball for her serve; whiff – Edna swinging and missing the ball with a feeble wave of her racquet; dribble – the ball dribbling a few feet away; waddle, waddle, waddle – Edna ambulating to the ball; grunt – Edna bending over to pick up the ball; dribble – the ball dribbling a few more feet away after being struck by her drooping breasts; expletive – Edna uttering “shit”; and to save on typing, the rest simply documents her unsuccessful second serve and stubborn refusal to retrieve the dribbling ball, thinking, “Who am I and who are these strange women?”

Mechanical Description: Gulp, gulp, gulp.

What Really Happened: That’s Beatrice sucking down her “Old Fashioned”, possibly the first alcoholic drink to be called a “cocktail.” This is a bourbon drink invented in the nineteenth century, possibly after her birth. Beatrice isn’t the least bit interested in playing tennis, so she forfeits her serve every time. She’s there simply to complete the foursome to satisfy the rules. The racquet she holds in her left hand isn’t for tennis but acts as a counterweight to the large tumbler of booze she holds in her right hand. Without the weight of the racquet, she is forever in danger of “tipping” over (my God I love to pun!). The tumbler is constantly being refilled by Lars, the hunky young male visiting nurse who, much like a ball boy at Wimbledon, is forever sprinting on and off the court – only instead of retrieving tennis balls, he’s either topping off Beatrice’s “medicinal” tonic or, like a NASCAR Pit Crew member, executing a quick Depends change.

Mechanical Description: Slurp, slurp, slurp.

What Really Happened: This is Gertrude cleaning up her drool in anticipation of her private Physical Therapy appointment this afternoon with Lars.

Mechanical Description: Ping, boing, ping, expletive, clop, clop, crack, shriek, siren wail.

What Really Happened: Delores actually returning Gertrude the Slut’s serve and screaming “Holy Shit” and hopping up and down in wild celebration only to break her hip and fall to the ground in a howl of pain while Lars, who’s seen this before, speed dials the ambulance.

Mechanical Description: Waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, waddle, string of expletives, whack, string of expletives, mad howl.

What Really Happened: Edna ambling over to the ambulance and unleashing a torrent of profanity after the EMT informed her, “I’m sorry Ma’am but this is not the Good Humor Ice Cream Truck,” followed by the sound of Edna’s first ever successful strike with her tennis racquet as it finds its target at the base of the EMT’s skull, who promptly returns the volley with his own string of naughty words, punctuated by the howls of laughter from the other EMTs.

Believe The Captain when he says: Playing mixed doubles with old ladies can be hazardous to your health.

Yours staying safely on the bus,
The Captain

Illustration of Camera Obscura entitled "Peeping Thomas" circa 1890. Note the female tennis players are fully clothed.