When The Captain takes a vacation, things never seem to work out as planned. Take the other day for example. I took two of my legitimates to the beach for a day of sun, surf and relaxation. Little did I know that I would be confronted by an ethical decision that threatened to strip away the social fabric of a family outing at the beach.
Settling down in our favorite spot on a private beach sheltered by sand dunes adorned with sea roses and sweet peas in bloom, I ushered my kids off to their day of fun with the words, “Go and play in the strong undertow.” Then things got interesting. A young couple, adorned with tattoos and piercings, spread out just to our right. The woman was trim and very tan – all over. And when I say all over, I mean all over, for she seemed to have lost her top. I wasn’t expecting to see pierced nipples, but there they were, just pointing at me in the afternoon sun, casting shadows in the fashion of ancient Mayan sundials (it was about 2:30). Don’t ask me to describe the guy – the details of his appearance escape me.
So being the responsible parent in charge of my 14 year old daughter and less than innocent 10 year old son, I realized that I must do something about this. But what? Should I ask her to practice some modesty and put her bikini top back on to protect the precious morals of my offspring? Should I just pretend that I never noticed and go about my business? I was unsure about what to do, so I resolved to try and read the tattoos artistically placed above, below and upon the chest of the young woman. I squinted and focused on the words, which were difficult to decipher in all that glare; but I persevered and after several minutes of concentration, I was able to conclude that no naughty words were written across her bosom. After the brief distraction of her boyfriend massaging her with suntan lotion, I relaxed a bit. She was using, I thought, an appropriate SPF rated lotion. I had been worried that my son or daughter would see her using second rate lotion and ask to do the same.
Right about then, my son got up from his sandcastle and approached. After several violent pokes to my ribs, he got my attention and asked me: “Dad, why is that woman naked?” Thinking quickly, I stammered. Then I reached for my gin and steeled myself as I prepared my fatherly response. Son, God brings us all into this world as naked as that scary looking hairless dog. I think that this young woman is just doing this to remind herself and anyone else within eyeshot that she is one of God’s creatures. It’s a way of thanking him for bringing her into the world. My son, used to such bullshit, simply moved on to his next question: “Why are her earrings on her chest?” I was ready for this one. “She must have been a bit groggy this morning and without thinking put them on the wrong body parts, kinda like how you sometimes put your pants on backwards in the morning.” This made sense to him, so he went back to his castle.
But no sooner had I breathed a sigh of relief than my daughter came successfully out of the undertow and up to our spot to get a beach towel. She caught a glimpse of God’s creation and mumbled “ooh, that’s gross” and headed straight back into the water. Her reaction helped me make up my mind about what I should say, which was nothing at all. Who am I to come between God and his creations?
Believe The Captain when he says: when confronted with naked breasts at the beach, praise the Lord.
Yours admiring all creatures great and small,
The Captain
No comments:
Post a Comment