Dear The Captain:
Recently I went on vacation for two weeks and had to find someone to take care of my dog Blarney while I was away. My so-called best friend offered to come and feed him twice a day, and also agreed to bring him to the adjoining park to do his business. Blarney also likes to run around loose in the park. On one such outing while Blarney was getting his exercise my supposed friend suffered a heart attack and a good Samaritan called an ambulance. My friend was taken to the hospital. As I understand it, she maintained full consciousness during the entire trip. Don't you think she might have mentioned to somebody that there was a yellow Lab running about in the park unattended?
I am home from vacation now, and my fair weather friend is fully recovered, but Blarney is still on the loose. Is there some kind of legal action I can take against this moron who agreed to care for my pet and completely screwed up?
Missing Blarney
Dear Missing Blarney,
Good dogs are hard to find, while “friends” with heart conditions are a dime a dozen. Just a hunch, but have you checked your friend’s house for signs of Blarney? This whole story could be nothing more than a twisted but creative ploy to steal your dog. My Claims Adjuster antennae are telling me to ask for a copy of the ambulance bill. I’d love to know how your friend responds to this request. If she hems and haws, you’re on to something. If she drops dead of a heart attack, you never wrote to me.
Yours harking back to my life as a marginally trained Claims Investigator,
The Captain
Dear The Captain:
I recently had a coughing fit and was mortified when it triggered an equal but opposite reaction. What I mean is, I broke wind while coughing. It was all completely uncontrollable and caused everyone in the room to laugh hysterically at my expense. Okay, I sucked it up and got on with my life, but now I am wondering: am I the only one who has this condition? I would like to take a survey but it's rather a delicate question and probably much too personal to quiz friends and relatives as to whether they involuntarily fart while coughing, sneezing, vomiting, or lifting heavy items. And if I am the only one, is there anything I can do about it?
Signed,
Oops, pardon me
Dear Windbreaker,
You’ve got it all wrong. The fart is one of the most reliable laugh triggers ever released. I have heard stories of individuals who practice for hours on end just to be able to break wind on demand. So rest assured, your condition is not only common, but desirable. In your case, I’d recommend carrying around a turkey feather to induce a cough upon request and a pack of matches to provide a little extra dramatic “flare.” So be proud and by all means practice. If you’re friends or relatives don’t like it, you can quickly send them scrambling with a little tickle of the throat and a flick of a match!
Yours ever longwinded,
The Captain
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
If You Work Hard, You Can Become Anything You Want
Exposing myths is my job. Though I don’t get paid to do this, The Captain gladly accepts monetary contributions for making the world a better place in my mind. Being no ordinary fool, I only solicit hard currency even though my contributions are “soft” or, as some of my sober readers have pointed out without prompting, imaginary. If you feel a snide, clever response to my solicitation is called for, by all means make a comment on my blog. Otherwise, pay attention, because what I am about to say is of the utmost urgency and gravity to me or, to put it bluntly, utterly unimportant (If you’re counting, that’s two instances of consonance in the same sentence using the letter “u”; in fact, if you really are counting, please go take your medication right this instant because that ain’t normal.)!
Who has not been given the obligatory parental lecture about working hard so you can give credence to a rather trite Army recruiting commercial? Be all that you can be. If you just work hard, you can become anything you want. To that, The Captain says “Hum Bugger”! Dear old Dad – God rest his soul so weary with bearing the cross of parenting The Captain – always said “Work hard and you can be anything you want, son, even President. Find something you’re good at and become the best at it.” There is both falsehood and truth in his words. So here come some myth exploding bullet points of Wisdom from The Captain!
The Captain’s Reasons Why Hard Work Is Overrated
· It’s hard; I’d much prefer success and wealth to come easily.
· It’s simply not true that you can be whatever you want if you simply work hard. Here are some examples:
o I can never be an engineer; I worked like a dog at algebra – extra help after school from the teacher, tutors, stimulants – but my brain is not wired for it. My father was an engineer but those genes skipped over The Captain – thanks for nothing Pop.
o No matter how much I toil, I can never be an astronaut. Someone please explain to me why my cavities preclude me from blasting off into space?!
o I can never be a track star. In sixth grade, the number one recess activity was the 100 yard “Battle of the Sexes” dash along the painted white line on the pavement separating the boys and girls on the playground. Girl on one side, boy on the other. Mano a Donna. I trained for months for my end of the year showdown with Denise Bodner, the speedy girl who lived two houses down from me in the hood. I ran stairs. I ran with weights. I ran like Dick fleeing Jane and her deadly cooties. By the time June rolled around, I was in the best shape of my young life. But the girl still kicked my ass. Enough said on this painful topic.
o Lotto. Wealth awaits those who work hard in school, slave away at work, and invest their earnings wisely. But if that’s not appealing to you, throw a few bucks down for a Lottery ticket while you’re at the convenience store picking up some beef jerky and a pack of Marlboros to smoke while you watch the big game on the big screen TV in your double wide with the satellite dish. Bingo – a multimillionaire is born!
o President is also out of the question; you might manage to get yourself hired at Burger King with a criminal record, but not at the White Castle in Washington, DC!
Migrant Farm Workers: These poor bastards work like dogs in the dirty, sweaty fields and all they get for their trouble is a little bit of cash and some measly trips to the mall in retired school buses painted a conspicuous power blue.
Snow: The harder I shovel it, the faster it falls!
Now Dad wasn’t all wrong, however. I have found a niche for which I can claim some success. Though I suspect that when he asked me “Can’t you give me a straight answer just once without embellishing?” he never envisioned that his words would one day be the inspiration for the literary and highly fictional character you all know and love as The Captain!
Believe The Captain when he says: Be like most people and become something less than what you hoped to be and unburden yourself of those annoying expectations!
Yours already there,
The Captain
Who has not been given the obligatory parental lecture about working hard so you can give credence to a rather trite Army recruiting commercial? Be all that you can be. If you just work hard, you can become anything you want. To that, The Captain says “Hum Bugger”! Dear old Dad – God rest his soul so weary with bearing the cross of parenting The Captain – always said “Work hard and you can be anything you want, son, even President. Find something you’re good at and become the best at it.” There is both falsehood and truth in his words. So here come some myth exploding bullet points of Wisdom from The Captain!
The Captain’s Reasons Why Hard Work Is Overrated
· It’s hard; I’d much prefer success and wealth to come easily.
· It’s simply not true that you can be whatever you want if you simply work hard. Here are some examples:
o I can never be an engineer; I worked like a dog at algebra – extra help after school from the teacher, tutors, stimulants – but my brain is not wired for it. My father was an engineer but those genes skipped over The Captain – thanks for nothing Pop.
o No matter how much I toil, I can never be an astronaut. Someone please explain to me why my cavities preclude me from blasting off into space?!
o I can never be a track star. In sixth grade, the number one recess activity was the 100 yard “Battle of the Sexes” dash along the painted white line on the pavement separating the boys and girls on the playground. Girl on one side, boy on the other. Mano a Donna. I trained for months for my end of the year showdown with Denise Bodner, the speedy girl who lived two houses down from me in the hood. I ran stairs. I ran with weights. I ran like Dick fleeing Jane and her deadly cooties. By the time June rolled around, I was in the best shape of my young life. But the girl still kicked my ass. Enough said on this painful topic.
o Lotto. Wealth awaits those who work hard in school, slave away at work, and invest their earnings wisely. But if that’s not appealing to you, throw a few bucks down for a Lottery ticket while you’re at the convenience store picking up some beef jerky and a pack of Marlboros to smoke while you watch the big game on the big screen TV in your double wide with the satellite dish. Bingo – a multimillionaire is born!
o President is also out of the question; you might manage to get yourself hired at Burger King with a criminal record, but not at the White Castle in Washington, DC!
Migrant Farm Workers: These poor bastards work like dogs in the dirty, sweaty fields and all they get for their trouble is a little bit of cash and some measly trips to the mall in retired school buses painted a conspicuous power blue.
Snow: The harder I shovel it, the faster it falls!
Now Dad wasn’t all wrong, however. I have found a niche for which I can claim some success. Though I suspect that when he asked me “Can’t you give me a straight answer just once without embellishing?” he never envisioned that his words would one day be the inspiration for the literary and highly fictional character you all know and love as The Captain!
Believe The Captain when he says: Be like most people and become something less than what you hoped to be and unburden yourself of those annoying expectations!
Yours already there,
The Captain
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The Captain's IQ Quiz
The Captain’s IQ Quiz for the Cerebrally Challenged (a multiple choice quiz because that was always my favorite kind – other than the unannounced essay quiz.)
1. A Macaw is:
a. A Unicorn in heat
b. A Native American tribe that was driven from Fall River, MA, by drunk European settlers
c. A large colorful parrot
d. All of the above
2. Chourico is:
a. Slang for an Insurance Slut
b. The scientific name for moldy Portuguese sausage
c. A Mexican parlor game played with a piñata, tequila, and strippers
d. A Guatemalan folk dance
3. Ike is:
a. Tina Turner’s makeup artist
b. A nickname for the US President Dwight D. Eisenhower
c. Official name given to the 2008 Hurricane that struck the Gulf Coast in September
d. All of the above
4. Table Tennis is:
a. The formal name for Ping Pong
b. A sport played with paddles and a small white ball (sometimes while standing drunk on the table)
c. An activity used by Forest Gump to keep his hands occupied.
d. Tennis for Lilliputians
5. The Insurance profession is:
a. God’s way of punishing people who couldn’t decide what they wanted to do when they grow up
b. A popular work destination for the Witness Protection Program
c. Like moving the bowels – a necessary but malodorous function.
d. The new Hell
Bonus Question!
6. The square root of π is:
a. I have no effin clue
b. Huh?
c. Irrelevant
d. A trick question
Answer Key
1. C (tastes like chicken)
2. B, if you believe in junk science, which I do
3. D (Though A is a cheap shot for sure)
4. A (And you thought it was B!)
5. A, B, C, or D
Bonus Question
6. A, B, C, or D
Each correct answer is worth 20 points. As questions 5 and 6 each had 4 correct answers to choose from, even the dimmest of wits (aka Dwits) should score at least 40. Good news for morons who still managed to score a big fat 0 (neither E nor any subsequent letter in the Alphabet would ever be correct); regardless of the score, your status as a moron is safe.
Believe The Captain when he says: Shetland Ponies are not Unicorns, so don’t bother to “borrow” one from the local circus farm and try to hide it in your back yard – they have no magical powers and are not invisible; AND a D average equals a diploma
Yours with a “solid” D plus average,
The Captain
1. A Macaw is:
a. A Unicorn in heat
b. A Native American tribe that was driven from Fall River, MA, by drunk European settlers
c. A large colorful parrot
d. All of the above
2. Chourico is:
a. Slang for an Insurance Slut
b. The scientific name for moldy Portuguese sausage
c. A Mexican parlor game played with a piñata, tequila, and strippers
d. A Guatemalan folk dance
3. Ike is:
a. Tina Turner’s makeup artist
b. A nickname for the US President Dwight D. Eisenhower
c. Official name given to the 2008 Hurricane that struck the Gulf Coast in September
d. All of the above
4. Table Tennis is:
a. The formal name for Ping Pong
b. A sport played with paddles and a small white ball (sometimes while standing drunk on the table)
c. An activity used by Forest Gump to keep his hands occupied.
d. Tennis for Lilliputians
5. The Insurance profession is:
a. God’s way of punishing people who couldn’t decide what they wanted to do when they grow up
b. A popular work destination for the Witness Protection Program
c. Like moving the bowels – a necessary but malodorous function.
d. The new Hell
Bonus Question!
6. The square root of π is:
a. I have no effin clue
b. Huh?
c. Irrelevant
d. A trick question
Answer Key
1. C (tastes like chicken)
2. B, if you believe in junk science, which I do
3. D (Though A is a cheap shot for sure)
4. A (And you thought it was B!)
5. A, B, C, or D
Bonus Question
6. A, B, C, or D
Each correct answer is worth 20 points. As questions 5 and 6 each had 4 correct answers to choose from, even the dimmest of wits (aka Dwits) should score at least 40. Good news for morons who still managed to score a big fat 0 (neither E nor any subsequent letter in the Alphabet would ever be correct); regardless of the score, your status as a moron is safe.
Believe The Captain when he says: Shetland Ponies are not Unicorns, so don’t bother to “borrow” one from the local circus farm and try to hide it in your back yard – they have no magical powers and are not invisible; AND a D average equals a diploma
Yours with a “solid” D plus average,
The Captain
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