The Captain has already blogged at length (a rather short length) on this topic. Though I have occasionally revisited some topics, it’s not something I do regularly, mostly because I’m too lazy to spend much time on any one subject. Plus, I’m altogether shallow and could really care less about the things on which I opine. I just like being opinionated for the sake of being opinionated, as my sisters never cease to remind me. But National Take Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day seems to inspire in me a good 30 to 45 minutes of literary pondering, a duration that dwarfs my normal attention span.
If I was honest, which I’m not, I think I’d have to admit that it’s all sour grapes; I just wish there was a corporate sponsored skip school day back in the day. But since I never had such a day, I will not suffer a bunch school aged hooligans rubbing it in my face while I plod through another dull day of drudgery in my dank, dark den of a cubicle. They should all go to school like I did, or at least learn how to really skip school like I did. But no one listens to me, and this massive social fraud will go on as planned. So what to do? What I do best, of course – instigate trouble! I propose a counter “celebration” for the same day: Take Your Neighborhood Feral Cat to Work Day.
Why feral cats? Mostly because they are cute yet wild, things that I can only dream about being. Plus, every time I see one, it looks cold, scraggly and malnourished. A day in a heated office building with free food and mind numbingly pointless activities are just what the Vet ordered. I also think it would be fun to watch the organizers chasing the kitties around and applying First Aid to the obnoxious human kids who taunt the bewildered beasts only to discover they are in fact wild animals that can bring the hurt when necessary. The other reason is that feral cats just popped into my head, eliminating the agonizing search for just the right alternative. No work was required and that felt right to me.
I’m pretty much done, since I can’t figure out where else to go with the feral cat angle, but I’m glad I wrote about them. No feral cats were harmed during the writing of this blog, a statement I can’t make about the human kids.
Believe The Captain when he says: Feral cats are cute but they bite hard, kinda like James Pattison or Edward or whatever his name is, but you didn’t hear that from me.
Yours setting out bowls of milk in the woods behind my house,
The Captain
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Deletion List
As you all know because I’ve blogged on this topic, it is quite chic these days to write a bucket list of things to do before you kick. But let’s be honest, most of the time these lists are comprised of things you can’t afford to do or things that are so dangerous that they may just kill you before that pesky cancer does. Plus, if your life was so sucky that you needed to contract a terminal illness in order to motivate yourself to have a little fun, then I have a phrase for you: too little, too late.
To my way of thinking, which is admittedly disturbed, it would be far more useful to create a Deletion List, a compilation of those events in your life that you’d like to permanently erase – a sort of twist on the Faustian contract. But instead of making a deal with Mephistopheles to do what I want for the rest of my life in exchange for my soul, I would make a deal to delete selected episodes from my human record. Makes perfect sense for yours truly, given that I’ve always done whatever I want and have already put down a cash deposit to reserve a hotel room in the City of Dis. With good reason, I’m more worried about being hunted down by living humans seeking to exact revenge for some past transgressions, real or imagined. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to remove the sting of past humiliations that haunt my dreams that provide job security for my probation officer? (A few parenthetical annotations. First, go with Geothe’s Faust over Marlowe’s – don’t ask, you’ll regret it; second, read Dante’s Inferno before you die; third, because I know you’ll never read Dante’s Inferno but will die, I’ll save you the trouble and tell you that in his masterwork, la città ch 'ha nome Dite, the City of Dis, sits at the very center of Hell and is the winner of Playboy’s “Wildest Party City” contest some 5,000 years running. Duke Sucks!)
Please be aware that I am publishing The Captain’s Deletion List at great personal risk to myself. What if the suppressed memories of past “victims” are stirred to life and prompt them to add to their Bucket Lists something like “Kill the bastard”? Or perhaps the fragile balance of The Captain’s psyche is upset and long buried nightmares are unwittingly unleashed which reduce me to a babbling, drooling imbecile left to seize in the fetal position? (This one is not quite as scary, as I often end up like this after a particularly ruckus-filled weekend.) So brace yourself, as I brace myself, for the release of The Captain’s Deletion List!
• 6th Grade. Yup, might as well remove the whole damn thing. The year I had to get glasses, braces and therapy to deal with getting whipped in the 50 yard dash on the playground by Denise Bodner in front of all my peers. I’d had a secret crush on Denise since 3rd grade. I was this (insert image of me holding my thumb and forefinger 5 centimeters apart) close to telling her when the fateful race took place. I heard years later that she got knocked up her sophomore year in trade school (beautician) and ended up marrying, at the request of her Dad’s shotgun, some loser alcoholic plumber’s apprentice before divorcing 6 months later when he learned that he wasn’t her first…or second, or third, or seventeenth. Things happen for a reason.
• The party at Phil Davis’s house junior year in high school when my penchant for picking fights over what music to play on the stereo finally came back to kick me in the face. Actually, it was the Black Belt who I challenged who kicked me in the face. Really hard. Really, really, really hard. Broke the very same hideous wire frame glasses I’d gotten in 6th grade, so it wasn’t a total loss. Plus I learned a valuable lesson: always conduct a background check on anyone you might consider fighting.
• Last weekend when I…Uh. No fuckin’ way I’m sharing that. Some of you actually know me!!
• The Who’s third farewell tour concert at Giant stadium. Made the mistake of drinking Jameson with an Irishman out of Dixie cups while stuck in traffic on the NJ Turnpike. The cups were little, I rationalized. Two bottles later we arrived at the stadium, rippin’ high. Three songs into the show I excused myself to go to the Men’s room. Three hours later my “friends,” retrieved me from a stretcher in the drunk tank, laughing at my vomit stained t-shirt. They refused to drive me back to Brooklyn until I threw away my shirt. Was forced to buy a cheesy Who T-shirt to wear on the ride back to Bensonhurst. I could not use being in high school – or college, even – as an excuse for my behavior.
• The “night of nobility” my sophomore year in college, when the “wiffle ball,” an extremely cute and horny blonde freshman girl with a head full of air propositioned me and I refused because she had a boyfriend back home. What was I thinking??!!
• My birth. Though I remember little of it, my parents were forever reminding me that for them it was quite a traumatic event. If there was a way for me to live my life without ever being born, I’d do it for Mom and Dad.
• That night that I thought that Sloe Gin was real gin. Ugh.
• Freshman year in high school. Mom, whose father and brothers were raging alcoholics, happens to drive by Bill’s Package store at the precise moment I was walking out carrying a case of Molson Golden Ale for consumption at the Avalone’s house. When I got home, all she said to me is that my father will deal with me when he got home from work. Dad told me to look both ways before exiting a package store and hit the six pack of Piels a little early that evening. Mom didn’t speak to me for weeks. On second thought, delete this one from the Deletion List!
• The incident with the coat hangers at Worth’s Ladies Clothing store in the Torrington Shopping Plaza. I’m not drunk enough to tell that story and I’m working on gin & tonic number five. You can ask me about it at a happy hour some time but you’ll have to buy me a few drinks first.
Believe The Captain when he says: To quote my favorite German philosopher not named Goethe, “Nothing can be subtracted.”
Yours giving thanks for every moment of my life, even those I’m tempted to delete!
The Captain
To my way of thinking, which is admittedly disturbed, it would be far more useful to create a Deletion List, a compilation of those events in your life that you’d like to permanently erase – a sort of twist on the Faustian contract. But instead of making a deal with Mephistopheles to do what I want for the rest of my life in exchange for my soul, I would make a deal to delete selected episodes from my human record. Makes perfect sense for yours truly, given that I’ve always done whatever I want and have already put down a cash deposit to reserve a hotel room in the City of Dis. With good reason, I’m more worried about being hunted down by living humans seeking to exact revenge for some past transgressions, real or imagined. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to remove the sting of past humiliations that haunt my dreams that provide job security for my probation officer? (A few parenthetical annotations. First, go with Geothe’s Faust over Marlowe’s – don’t ask, you’ll regret it; second, read Dante’s Inferno before you die; third, because I know you’ll never read Dante’s Inferno but will die, I’ll save you the trouble and tell you that in his masterwork, la città ch 'ha nome Dite, the City of Dis, sits at the very center of Hell and is the winner of Playboy’s “Wildest Party City” contest some 5,000 years running. Duke Sucks!)
Please be aware that I am publishing The Captain’s Deletion List at great personal risk to myself. What if the suppressed memories of past “victims” are stirred to life and prompt them to add to their Bucket Lists something like “Kill the bastard”? Or perhaps the fragile balance of The Captain’s psyche is upset and long buried nightmares are unwittingly unleashed which reduce me to a babbling, drooling imbecile left to seize in the fetal position? (This one is not quite as scary, as I often end up like this after a particularly ruckus-filled weekend.) So brace yourself, as I brace myself, for the release of The Captain’s Deletion List!
• 6th Grade. Yup, might as well remove the whole damn thing. The year I had to get glasses, braces and therapy to deal with getting whipped in the 50 yard dash on the playground by Denise Bodner in front of all my peers. I’d had a secret crush on Denise since 3rd grade. I was this (insert image of me holding my thumb and forefinger 5 centimeters apart) close to telling her when the fateful race took place. I heard years later that she got knocked up her sophomore year in trade school (beautician) and ended up marrying, at the request of her Dad’s shotgun, some loser alcoholic plumber’s apprentice before divorcing 6 months later when he learned that he wasn’t her first…or second, or third, or seventeenth. Things happen for a reason.
• The party at Phil Davis’s house junior year in high school when my penchant for picking fights over what music to play on the stereo finally came back to kick me in the face. Actually, it was the Black Belt who I challenged who kicked me in the face. Really hard. Really, really, really hard. Broke the very same hideous wire frame glasses I’d gotten in 6th grade, so it wasn’t a total loss. Plus I learned a valuable lesson: always conduct a background check on anyone you might consider fighting.
• Last weekend when I…Uh. No fuckin’ way I’m sharing that. Some of you actually know me!!
• The Who’s third farewell tour concert at Giant stadium. Made the mistake of drinking Jameson with an Irishman out of Dixie cups while stuck in traffic on the NJ Turnpike. The cups were little, I rationalized. Two bottles later we arrived at the stadium, rippin’ high. Three songs into the show I excused myself to go to the Men’s room. Three hours later my “friends,” retrieved me from a stretcher in the drunk tank, laughing at my vomit stained t-shirt. They refused to drive me back to Brooklyn until I threw away my shirt. Was forced to buy a cheesy Who T-shirt to wear on the ride back to Bensonhurst. I could not use being in high school – or college, even – as an excuse for my behavior.
• The “night of nobility” my sophomore year in college, when the “wiffle ball,” an extremely cute and horny blonde freshman girl with a head full of air propositioned me and I refused because she had a boyfriend back home. What was I thinking??!!
• My birth. Though I remember little of it, my parents were forever reminding me that for them it was quite a traumatic event. If there was a way for me to live my life without ever being born, I’d do it for Mom and Dad.
• That night that I thought that Sloe Gin was real gin. Ugh.
• Freshman year in high school. Mom, whose father and brothers were raging alcoholics, happens to drive by Bill’s Package store at the precise moment I was walking out carrying a case of Molson Golden Ale for consumption at the Avalone’s house. When I got home, all she said to me is that my father will deal with me when he got home from work. Dad told me to look both ways before exiting a package store and hit the six pack of Piels a little early that evening. Mom didn’t speak to me for weeks. On second thought, delete this one from the Deletion List!
• The incident with the coat hangers at Worth’s Ladies Clothing store in the Torrington Shopping Plaza. I’m not drunk enough to tell that story and I’m working on gin & tonic number five. You can ask me about it at a happy hour some time but you’ll have to buy me a few drinks first.
Believe The Captain when he says: To quote my favorite German philosopher not named Goethe, “Nothing can be subtracted.”
Yours giving thanks for every moment of my life, even those I’m tempted to delete!
The Captain
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Captain's Quiz
By now you all have probably had at least one or two moments while reading this blog when you’ve wondered out loud: where does he get his ideas and how could Nature have gone so terribly wrong?? In true Captainesque fashion, I will answer a question with a question – or, more precisely, a series of questions. While it is true that such an approach to inquiries was in fact made famous by that ancient Greek gadfly Socrates, it is also true that Socrates is long dead and can’t sue me for plagiarism, so I have fashioned a quiz for my Myrmidons to help you understand my unique talent for seeing what others cannot, a talent some mistake for psychosis or heat stroke. So have fun answering each question.
The quiz will be True or False, because that somehow seems fitting. So without further ado, here comes more evidence of my overt narcissism: The Captain’s Autobiographical Pop Quiz!! (The answers to each question are directly below the question in white font so they are magically invisible! To view the answer, simply highlight the space beneath the question.)
TRUE or FALSE
1. The Captain was actually born a black baby who only became white after his mother accidentally left him at the sea shore as a young waif, alone and exposed to the powerful summer sun, bleaching him to the tender pinkish white complexion he currently wears. When pressed, his mother claims it was an accident.
FALSE: The part about being a black baby, at least.
2. The Captain owns a rough woolen Black Watch Kilt from the Boer Wars that chafes his privates when the humidity is high.
TRUE: The Captain did some Scottish drumming for a bagpipe band back in the day and was assigned a musty, moth eaten kilt that was actually used in the second Boer War (I looked it up and it was a real war and it took place from 1899 to 1902).
3. Britney Spears is The Captain’s Love Child, the product of a secret, drunken tryst with Pamela Anderson.
FALSE: Unfortunately.
4. The Captain can translate three, count ‘em, three dead languages: Latin, Koine Greek, and ancient Hebrew.
TRUE: Living languages require that you learn to speak them, which is way too much work.
5. The Captain once studied to become a Lutheran Minster at the Lutheran Theological Seminary, where he studied Koine Greek and ancient Hebrew (hint, hint).
TRUE: For the record, Lutherans do not require their Ministers to be celibate and encourage home brewing, so this one is not as shocking as you’d think. After completing my second year, however, I abruptly ended this pursuit when someone told me I would be required to refrain from profanity and work every Sunday.
6. With a Master’s Degree in Social Work, The Captain is technically qualified to put a shingle on his door and counsel YOU! Chew on that one!!
TRUE: Still qualified and willing to offer a special discounted rate to my Myrmidons. Call 1-800-SUKITUP today!
7. The Captain was the drummer for the one hit wonder garage band called “Garage Band.” Garage Band performed one show at the Torringford Middle School Sock Hop and was hit with a barrage of tomatoes from the audience. No wonder we never got another gig.
TRUE: Sometimes I wonder what might have been, even if no one who ever heard us play ever did.
8. Became the first toddler ever to crawl to the summit of Mount Everest.
FALSE: If you don’t count my imagination.
9. The Captain once served as a member of his town’s Zoning
TRUE: Regrettably. I know Bucket Lists are all the rage these days, but I wish it was possible to have a Deletion List, where you can go back and delete certain things from your past. This would be near the top for me, right up there with my stint at Miss Janet’s School of Dance and that tragic recital at the Warner Theater. I have not tap danced since that day and never will.
10. Had a pet Tarantula in college named Boris (to this day I swear some disgruntled dorm mates kidnapped and killed the gentle spider over Spring Break my junior year).
TRUE: Still have a difficult time talking about it…
11. The Captain once went to Appalachia during his senior year in college to work with poor for a week and got to meet some real life hillbillies.
TRUE: Note to self. Add “Being groped under the table by hillbilly girl” to the Deletion List.
12. The Captain was Suspended his senior year in high school for writing a biting satirical piece on the National Honor Society members.
FALSE: I hated writing back then. I bet you wish the same held true today!!
So what was your score? The first time I took The Captain’s quiz, I scored a 70, which, I would remind you all, is a passing grade! In twelve subsequent attempts, my scores improved. Still shooting for a perfect score – I always answer TRUE for question 3, secretly hoping this explains one of the blackouts from that time in my life.
Believe The Captain when he says: unlike most of my blogs, this one’s more true than false this time!
Yours studiously,
Professor The Captain
The quiz will be True or False, because that somehow seems fitting. So without further ado, here comes more evidence of my overt narcissism: The Captain’s Autobiographical Pop Quiz!! (The answers to each question are directly below the question in white font so they are magically invisible! To view the answer, simply highlight the space beneath the question.)
TRUE or FALSE
1. The Captain was actually born a black baby who only became white after his mother accidentally left him at the sea shore as a young waif, alone and exposed to the powerful summer sun, bleaching him to the tender pinkish white complexion he currently wears. When pressed, his mother claims it was an accident.
FALSE: The part about being a black baby, at least.
2. The Captain owns a rough woolen Black Watch Kilt from the Boer Wars that chafes his privates when the humidity is high.
TRUE: The Captain did some Scottish drumming for a bagpipe band back in the day and was assigned a musty, moth eaten kilt that was actually used in the second Boer War (I looked it up and it was a real war and it took place from 1899 to 1902).
3. Britney Spears is The Captain’s Love Child, the product of a secret, drunken tryst with Pamela Anderson.
FALSE: Unfortunately.
4. The Captain can translate three, count ‘em, three dead languages: Latin, Koine Greek, and ancient Hebrew.
TRUE: Living languages require that you learn to speak them, which is way too much work.
5. The Captain once studied to become a Lutheran Minster at the Lutheran Theological Seminary, where he studied Koine Greek and ancient Hebrew (hint, hint).
TRUE: For the record, Lutherans do not require their Ministers to be celibate and encourage home brewing, so this one is not as shocking as you’d think. After completing my second year, however, I abruptly ended this pursuit when someone told me I would be required to refrain from profanity and work every Sunday.
6. With a Master’s Degree in Social Work, The Captain is technically qualified to put a shingle on his door and counsel YOU! Chew on that one!!
TRUE: Still qualified and willing to offer a special discounted rate to my Myrmidons. Call 1-800-SUKITUP today!
7. The Captain was the drummer for the one hit wonder garage band called “Garage Band.” Garage Band performed one show at the Torringford Middle School Sock Hop and was hit with a barrage of tomatoes from the audience. No wonder we never got another gig.
TRUE: Sometimes I wonder what might have been, even if no one who ever heard us play ever did.
8. Became the first toddler ever to crawl to the summit of Mount Everest.
FALSE: If you don’t count my imagination.
9. The Captain once served as a member of his town’s Zoning
TRUE: Regrettably. I know Bucket Lists are all the rage these days, but I wish it was possible to have a Deletion List, where you can go back and delete certain things from your past. This would be near the top for me, right up there with my stint at Miss Janet’s School of Dance and that tragic recital at the Warner Theater. I have not tap danced since that day and never will.
10. Had a pet Tarantula in college named Boris (to this day I swear some disgruntled dorm mates kidnapped and killed the gentle spider over Spring Break my junior year).
TRUE: Still have a difficult time talking about it…
11. The Captain once went to Appalachia during his senior year in college to work with poor for a week and got to meet some real life hillbillies.
TRUE: Note to self. Add “Being groped under the table by hillbilly girl” to the Deletion List.
12. The Captain was Suspended his senior year in high school for writing a biting satirical piece on the National Honor Society members.
FALSE: I hated writing back then. I bet you wish the same held true today!!
So what was your score? The first time I took The Captain’s quiz, I scored a 70, which, I would remind you all, is a passing grade! In twelve subsequent attempts, my scores improved. Still shooting for a perfect score – I always answer TRUE for question 3, secretly hoping this explains one of the blackouts from that time in my life.
Believe The Captain when he says: unlike most of my blogs, this one’s more true than false this time!
Yours studiously,
Professor The Captain
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