What's In a Name?

Riding in a car loaded with teenagers is always fun, no matter your age. Take me for example (I always do – take me for an example, that is; someone once told me I was Narcissistic and I replied that he was a pessimistic spastic. I don’t know what the heck either thing is but my response sounded cool and rhymed), when I was teenager myself, in the dim and distant past, I took to heart the expression, “Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings.” Whenever I found myself in the back seat of a Ford Pinto with several other teenagers, I would always keep both hands busy. One had a beer can grafted to it and the other, like a snake hidden in the tall grass, would slither stealthily toward the teenage girls’ secret hiding places. So much for that expression. It appears that old Satan has all the bases covered (pardon the pun) as busy hands are also his playthings.

Today, the father of a teenage girl, I keep both hands on the steering wheel and one eye permanently on the rear view mirror spying the backseat ceiling, which is where I insist all male teen passengers keep their hands affixed. “Glue! That’s right Mister Guitar Hero, I’ve seen your hands in action. Keep ‘em glued to that ceiling or your band mates will be posting an ad on Craig’s List for a new guitar player!” If you are looking for a new and creative way to embarrass your teenage daughter, apart from having a pulse, I recommend this.

Thusly forced to engage their minds on intellectual pursuits, my daughter and her friends discussed the merits of band names. We started with the name for Guitar Hero’s band, The McLovins. I asked my young passenger (who is actually a very nice, very bright, and very talented guitar player – just in case his parents find out about this blog) if the name was a tribute to the Teen Movie cult classic “Super Bad”? Only indirectly, he explained. You see, his band’s You Tube Video was seen by a couple of stoned blokes on a Phish Fan site. One was like, “Dude, the guitar player looks like McLovin!” And the other was like, “Dude, the bass player looks like McLovin!” And then together, “Dude, it’s the McLovins!!” The video went viral and the band had its name. Check out the amazing jam band “The McLovins” here. http://www.themclovins.com/fr_home.cfm

We (I made them include me since they were in my car) all agreed that the topic of band names might prove fun.

We identified some as clever; some inexplicably cool; some stupid funny; and some clearly the brainchild of minds violently unhinged by drugs or reality Television. Here are just a few examples (feel free to submit your own names and editorial comments).


· Menace II Sobriety: A play on words with an alcohol reference, right up my alley.

· The Smith’s: Understated parody of other band names suggesting a need for anonymity due to a closet full of skeletons, such as ambivalent sexual behavior, designer drug use, or being a member of an ideal suburban family that spawned a serial killer.

· I Set My Friends On Fire: Enough said…until my oh so clever daughter said that it doesn’t have to be read literally but could also be a metaphor. I was gonna come back with, “that’s what my “girl” friends used to say about me back in the day, but then I remembered that I was in a car full of raging hormones and thought better of it, filing this thought in the back of my mind under the category: Share someday during Thanksgiving dinner when the kids are all grown up and out of the house.

· Gogol Bordello: A Gypsy Punk band name with a reference to a Russian novelist and a brothel. Esoteric literary allusion coupled with gutter talk – remind you of anyone??!

· Thrift Store Catastrophe: Reminds me of Daughter of The Captain (DOTC), who was born with style and a taste for fine clothing. Forcing her to shop for second hand clothes in order to save money results in a Thrift Store Catastrophe.

· Deuce Bag: This one is pure Shakespeare. A crude idiom with a nod to illegal drugs wrapped in a pun. I’m getting way too excited over this.

· Private Event: My imagination was off and running with impure thoughts about private events of a certain ilk when I realized that this was not the name of a band after all but simply a notice for a…er…private event.

· Goon Squad: This one makes the cut because of its breathtaking lack of wit and originality, no doubt the work of a bunch of high school burnouts with no future prospects.

· Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams: Drugs. Lots and lots of them. You know I looked up Slambovia to see if it’s a real place (hey, many folks still think Slovakia is a made up country, even some who actually live there). The question of the existence of Slambovia depends on your state of mind, with those in state of sobriety generally agreeing that it’s fantasy while those in altered states insisting they visit frequently. You choose. I already know how the Goon Squad will answer.

· Us Against the Archers: I don’t really know why I like this name; I just do. Let’s go shoot some arrows at something!

· Justin Bieber: Who the fuck names a band Justin Bieber? Must be a Disney band.

Eventually the teens grew tired of conversing with an adult – or maybe just this particular adult – and started texting each other and giggling. But I had done my good deed for the day and reconnected with the youth of America, extortion notwithstanding.

Believe The Captain when he says: All Hail Slambovia!

Yours sneaking off to see the Slambovian Circus ringmaster formerly known as my dealer,

The Captain

Gogol Bordello