Were you ever mandated to attend one of those hokey HR interventions just because you offended a few hypersensitive coworkers? Invariably, whether the topic is wild monkey sex or sensitivity, the instructor leads with one of those lame ice breaking activities they recycled from some paramilitary Bible camp they attended as a kid. (Non sequitur – it has been suggested that The Captain is obsessed with monkeys; I suppose that all depends on what your definition of “obsessed” is. Lest any reader take this in the wrong direction, as I KNOW some will, I want to set the record straight. To echo the public declaration of a famous politician: “I did not have sexual relations with that primate!!”) My favorite is always the one where you secretly write down personal qualities and pick an animal that best represents those qualities. It’s my favorite because, in the hands of a true imaginative (for you grammar know-it-alls who are snickering right about now, I know that “imaginative” is an adjective and not a noun. It’s called poetic license. Get over your anal self already!) as yours truly, this exercise can be good, dirty fun!
Let’s play. OK. I’m the one writing this, so you really can’t play along, so I’ll play with myself. This last sentence is an example of how words can unintentionally offend the thin-skinned. I love language!!!!!
There are no rules. I function better that way. I will pick as many animals as I like until I can’t think of anymore or get bored. So here we go. If The Captain was an animal, he’d be…
Otter: Spends the day playing around in the water, stopping only to eat and perform necessary and pleasurable bodily functions. Loves to taunt other animals for no apparent reason. Sound like anyone you know?
Pig: Is reportedly intelligent but you can’t tell by looking at it, especially when it is rolling around in the muck and eating slop at the same time. How many animals do you know who use “muck” and “slop” metaphorically in the same sentence??
Capuchin Monkey: The Captain has referred to this monkey as “God-like” – that is, if you are able to suspend belief and consider a hyperactive creature who makes agitated noises to be divine. Please forgive…………the PUN!
Badger: Fiercely independent, with razor sharp wit, er, I mean teeth, foul breath and a cool racing stripe down the middle of its hairy back. Or maybe just what the bullies in high school called me because they couldn’t pronounce my last name but yet somehow managed to shave a racing stripe right down the middle of my hairy back after I passed out after an afternoon of drinking a case of Kronenbourg beer with my geek friends playing Dagorhir while pretending to be Vikings. Remember Kronenbourg beer? Not me.
Ass: No explanation necessary!!
Believe The Captain when he says: Bray, Bray, Bray!
Yours performing a bodily function (take your best guess),
The Captain
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