Uber Toddlers

A coworker sent me a neat video today during work hours – an Evian commercial featuring freakishly coordinated, athletic, and rhythmic toddlers. (Watch the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcVllWpwGs) Even with dementia stalking me, I can still muster enough mental wherewithal to distinguish between reality and fantasy and realize that it was just special effects. But damn it looked real…and let me tell you, the thought of a tribe of physically advanced uber toddlers overrunning our homes and neighborhoods like some unstoppable invasive species of plant sends chills down my spine!

These Mini Mes were dancing and leaping and prancing and breaking dancing and skateboarding and weaving their way through traffic and I could go on and on but you don’t want me to – all around an unwitting metropolis. Yes, they were still cute, much in the same way a pit bull puppy is cute – big, bright eyes, a hint of slobber under the chin, and an adorable little grin to mask the fearsome and deadly jaws, which nicely complement the soft, pink, pinch able baby fat rolled sweetly over the flesh tearing toddler limbs.

I am reminded of the movie trailer for “Surrogates,” a new sci-fi movie about cyborgs taking over the world. I think my pulse rate actually lowered as I yawned through what passed for movie highlights. Cyborgs just don’t frighten me. But then the image of a break dancing cherub who looks just like my know-it-all cousin’s kid popped into my head and I shuddered. Chest thumping, I reminded myself that toddlers cannot do the things they do in this video, but it was no good. There is something existentially disturbing about a chubby little cutie pie flying around like Tony Hawk turned vampire. I keep expecting the little guy to jump out like the white rabbit from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and sink his little baby teeth into my neck!!! Chucky, what are you doing? Chuck…..y? CHU......argghhhh!!!!!!

Still shuddering. OK. I was just walking down the street and passed a fawning mother taking her unsteady toddler for a walk. I gave Uber Boy a firm shove in the small of the back and he fell right over and began to cry. I watched nervously, bracing for a sudden assault…nothing. The wimpy little mench just cried as he waited for his apoplectic mother to pick his punk ass off the pavement after she finished bludgeoning me with her 30 lb. Louie Vuitton knock off. Despite the deep contusions, I’m feeling much better.

Believe The Captain when he says: Never serve your children pure bottled water – always mix it with something, preferably barley and hops.

Yours soothing his swollen face with an ice-filled Louie Vuitton,

The Captain